Friday, January 16, 2009

Tips for Surviving the Cold

Boston, prepare your massholes for the coldest, most frigid weekend you've experienced since 2004 (not counting that one night stand with your ex-girlfriend).

Winter is here and about to bitch slap us in the face with staggering SINGLE DIGIT DEGREES! Wait, single digits? Only? Excuse me for tooting my own Minnesotant horn, but I'm from the streets of murderapolis and although I'm not saying it's quite summer weather, single digits is nothing to be locking yourself in your house for. When I was back home, it was -14 degrees. If I were a dude, I would have been choking on my own balls it was so cold. Not that I would know anything about choking on....anyway, my point is that, Boston, you need to take a chill pill and let me guide you through some sure fire ways to keep warm in the coming days. Let's talk fashion:

When the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, your dog is still going to need to take a shit. So dress them in this...thing. It seems to be a rain coat/winter gear/floatation device. It doesn't matter how they look really, you'll still be seen as a nutcase who dresses their animals in clothes and probably takes pictures to use on holiday cards.

Long Johns, skivvies, thermals, happy pants, I don't care what you call them, you're gonna need them. Layers is key to surviving the cold. You'll be instantly warm wearing these little secrets. And instantly attractive. Get in me!

The wonderful thing about winter is that you can dress in so many different layers and styles of clothing. It also lets people dress like fucking nightmarish creatures from the deep woods of hell.

The news is saying that you should keep the elderly and the young inside to shield them from the blistering cold. Mayor Menino also issued a statement about space heater safety. These are not to be joked about. The combination of old people and space heaters is as volatile as vinegar and baking soda. Heed my warnings.

I know it's going to be tough. Getting your starbucks in the morning will be even harder since your gas guzzling car won't start and your CK leather gloves are as effective as expired condoms (67% effective), but you can get through this cold. Before you know it, spring will come dancing up the mountain, fat and jolly, full of flowers and candy while the smell of frozen vegetation and dead animals defrosting will fill the air.
Use my tips, Boston, and understand that this nasty weather is temporary, just like life, money, and your hair.
Oh, and be happy you're not this guy.

Thanks Owen Beattie.

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