Saturday, May 31, 2008

Boston News Net Producer Ian Brownell Hit By Truck!

Well, almost. A car that was hit by the truck hit him. He's okay, otherwise this post would be waaaay longer.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

CN8 Miffed by Nolan Calling O'Reilly a Douchebag, Essentially Reporting the News.

As smart as he is handsome, Mensa member and well groomed gadfly Barry Nolan just got fired from CN8 for hating him some Bill O'Reilly - and not only hating like a true player would hate, but hating like he invented the game. Which means he's either another self-loathing Irish, or he's got a legitimate gripe.

Just what did he do? He handed out "O’Reilly’s own words and quotes from his sexual harassment lawsuit." Read Barry's full account of what it's like to carry those big balls of his around.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dorchester, Killing High Housing Costs has set up a Google Map that pin-points all the homicides that have taken place in Boston thus far in 2008. The pins are appropriately blood-red, and though I am not certain about this, I'm fairly sure that the viewer has the ability to zoom all the way into these points and see the grizzly murder scene and the corpse at street level.

Below the interactive map, the viewer will see the complete list of homicides, and the discerning individual will notice that the city of Dorchester accounts for over half of the homicides to date with 12, notable since the next city with the highest tally is Roxbury, with a paltry 3. Some of you may view this in abject horror. But residents of Dorchester take a different stance on the alarming statistics plaguing their fine city: it's all good in the hood.

First, a bit of context. Dorchester, historically, is a city of firsts. The very first public elementary school in America, the Mather School, was established in Dorchester in 1639 and still stands today as a testament to their stalwart dedication to education. Of course, I probably need not delve into the quality of the public education system we have in Massachusetts, so this tidbit clearly speaks for itself and for the residents of Dorchester. Furthermore, the Walter Baker Chocolate Factory, the first chocolate factory in America, was built in Dorchester in 1765. And maybe most impressive, the first community health center in America, the Columbia Point Health Center, was birthed in Dorchester in 1965.

So what does this all point to? Well, you have education, health care, and chocolate, which are obviously the 3 main features a family looks for when it plans to settle down in a chosen city. Those three things alone are enough to sway people to do just about anything, and the 3 things that ultimately make the world go round. It is then no wonder that Dorchester is the hot-spot in Boston to buy a home and so attractive to the populace. This means that housing, especially in a down market, will be going like hot-cakes in D-town, and coupled with the weak dollar, makes for nearly untenable cost-of-living situations that the residents can't stand for, even while having their tempers tempered with delicious, delicious chocolate.

And so, what does an educated town do? You guessed it: homicide. Much like in the short story "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson, a select few are chosen to sacrifice themselves (perhaps unwittingly) to combat the tide of rising housing costs. A homicide here and there sprinkled throughout the year will tend to keep undiscerning families away, keep costs down, and generally provide a sense of security for the residents of Dorchester knowing that they won't have to live in fear of their lives being taken over by an influx of bad economy and new faces. Rather, they merely have to live with the relatively mild fear of being killed as an example of the city's core values. Also, don't forget the excellent health care. The map doesn't show the vast number of citizen-examples there were close to death.

Yes, Dorchester is a city of firsts. It only makes sense that they would look to their saving grace as being murder in the first degree.


Monday, May 19, 2008

Regarding Senator Kennedy

As you have probably heard by now, Senator Ted Kennedy was taken to Massachusetts General Hospital the other day after experiencing seizures. Initial reports described "stroke-like symptoms" though that appears to not have been the case. Nonetheless, it does raise the interesting intellectual question of what happens when the senior Senator does shed the mortal coil. He is, after all, four years older than John McCain-- and judging from recent media discussion, McCain's birth only barely post-dates the Paleozoic Era which means that Ted Kennedy is approximately four years older than the first appearance of vertebrates. 

We should add that we have nothing against Ted Kennedy and wish him only the best; nonetheless, the orderly procession of the affairs of state are our paramount concern. To that end, here is a timeline of what would happen should Senator Kennedy die. For our purposes, let's say that the Senator passes at 4:50pm on a Thursday.

4:50pm: Senator Edward M. Kennedy dies. Family mourns; collectively shudders in fear as they realize that means the most powerful member of the Kennedy family is now California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.  

4:51pm (1:51pm Pacific): Having realized same, Gov. Schwarzengger lights up a cigar & toasts the late Senator. And laughs like Vincent Price at the end of "Thriller". 

5:00pm: Massachusetts General Hospital holds a press conference. 

5:00pm: Somewhere, Howie Carr dances. 

5:15pm: President George Bush is informed.

5:16pm:  Howie Carr pulls out a column he has written and rewritten 400 times since 1978, throws in another reference to Chappaquiddick, and sends it to his editors at the Herald.

5:20pm: Senator John Kerry is informed.

5:30pm: President George Bush finally remembers what a Senator is. 

5:32pm: President George Bush has already forgotten what a Senator is. 

5:47pm: Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick releases statement praising Kennedy's contribution to public service; in response to a question, reminds press that under Massachusetts law, he is responsible for naming somebody to fill Kennedy's seat for the remainder of the Senator's term of office. 

5:48pm-8pm: Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick tells all callers that no, really, it's too early for them to be offering themselves up for Kennedy's Senate seat.  

5:49pm: Reminds Senator John Kerry that the call was not necessary as he's already a United States Senator. 

8:00pm: President George Bush remembers who Senator Ted Kennedy is but can't recall why this is important right now.

8:03pm: Howie Carr suddenly realizes that if the Feds catch Whitey Bulger, he has no more material. Howie weeps. 

Monday, 9:00am: Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick has narrowed his list of potential Senators to three people with a long history of service to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts:  This Old House carpenter Norm Abram, former television anchor Liz Walker, and 70's childrens' television personality Willie Whistle.

Two weeks later: Senator Willie Whistle is sworn into office. 

Friday, May 16, 2008

Summing up today's political news...

You shouldn't vote for Obama because he wants to let Hamas annex the Sudetenland. I think that's the gist of it. 

Billy Bob Neck - The Fruits of Homo Appeasement


Knock Knock
Who there?
Satan who?
Satan, your evil lord and master, come to destroy American values by allowing virus of homo marriage to spread to California

My pastor told that one to me yesterday and I said, “well, that ain’t too funny,” and he said “no, it ain’t”. This is the kinda thing you get from appeasement. Instead of sending the National Guard into Massachusetts to enforce the rule of God’s Law, we sat by saying that it was just one state. Well, now it’s two states and it’s probably only a matter of weeks before the pink, jackbooted thugs of the homo agenda come breaking down your door to force you to get a divorce and marry a man just like the dumbo-crats planned all along.

Briefly Patriotic - The Fruits of Homo Appeasement

Billy Bob Neck - Homobama Loves Nazis


President Bush is right. Barack Osama Homo bin Laden loves Nazis and any group that wants to destroy America. In his Happy Birthday speech in front of the Jews, President Bush showed just what a moron Homo bin Laden is. The left-handed negro would rather sell America out for thirty pieces of pita bread than displease his Muslim masters. The United States ain’t gonna negotiate with terrorists and thugs. We never done it before and we ain’t gonna start now. President Bush has always stood on the side of doing good things and protecting them that needs it. That’s the whole reason that we’re in Iraq to begin with – to stop the hurting. And if the Iranians is hurting under the iron, Jew-hating first of Akmadinejerk then we’re gonna help them out, too.

Briefly Patriotic - Homobama Loves Nazis

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Oh Yeah, And It Rained in Bryn Mar or Something.

Youngsters wile away the days ina tropical paradise while America courageously tries to figure out what to a call a country it doesn't really want to send aid to. Tree houses are fun!

Yes We Can! Says Some of North Carolina.

Followed by "y'all aint s'posed to drink out that fountain" by the rest.

Obama takes North Carolina, CNN projects.

Yokel-Off 2008: Which Stereo-Typical Group of Hillbillys Will Win?

In another dramatic, potentially pointless "winner-take-all-or-probably-nothing" set of Democratic primaries, America will see just how poorly informed their countrymen are when it comes to the 2nd Amendment, simple economics, and the ability to distinguish colors from numbers.

Indiana on one side, North Carolina on t'other. In the middle? A brandy new huge effing sub-prime related mess. I hope you like shit sandwich, because that's all that's on the menu for ever and ever. And please, don't ask about the soup.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Breaking news: Status quo preserved at the VA!

If you haven't heard, the Boston Globe is reporting that the US Department of Veterans Affairs has dropped plans to consolidate the four medical centers in the Greater Boston area into one medical center. This is great news, because four poorly located and difficult to get to facilities are certainly better than one-- I mean, really: Bedford, Brockton, West Roxbury and Jamaica Plain. Those are the locations? Have you ever tried to get to any of those places during daylight hours? The only possible way they could have made it more difficult to get to a VA Hospital would be to have centralized operations on Georges Island and set the ferry boats on fire. And Fort Warren is certainly a lot more charming than the West Roxbury facility, a place with all the architectural distinction of a Soviet department store. 

Celtics Put Their Hands all Over Atlanta's Balls

The Boston Celtics continued their march towards glory when they defeated the Atlanta Hawks yesterday, 99-64. Well known stabbing-victim Paul Pierce scored 22 points in a rout over a Southern team that most Bostonians haven't enjoyed so much since Richmond was burned.

Giant, Ugly Dog Shot

The Kentucky Derby claims another life, and this time it's not a fat handicapper with a shot liver and four failed marriages. Eight Belles, only the 4th filly to run the famed "Run for the Roses", broke down during the race and was later euthanized.

For those who enjoy metaphors, Eight Belles was Senator Hillary Clinton's pick to take the race. Quaff a refreshing julep and ponder the possibility of the great political glue factor that is the appointment to the NY governorship awaiting Sen Clinton.

ImprovBoston Successful With Gloriously Resurrected Slave Trade

And by "slave", I mean "date". 18 gents and ladies were put on the block and sold to strangers or strategically placed friends. The theater raised $7500, which will presumably go into buying more mime telephones and an invisible steering wheel.