Saturday, February 28, 2009

Monkey Cartoon

A few weeks ago there was quite an amusing cartoon in the New York Post about a monkey getting shot. As I traditionally enjoy the murdering of animals in pictorial form, my colleague, Guillame de Villejuif posted this humorous image on his blog:

You see, it is quite amusing as it is a blatant parody of how elephants are killed.

Friday, February 20, 2009

News Haiku

The Gas Tax

Mass. Hates The Hummers.
A Solution to fix it
You and I get Screwed

The Oscars

Kate Winslet, Hot Nazi
Mumbai, Old Man. Play. The Gays
Mickey mourns Loki


Flaherty or Woo
Globe, Herald force a horse race
Mumbles runs and wins

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Live Free or Die?

New Hampshire, formerly known as the land of the free, is considering imposing new measures to curb drunken driving in the state. Eddie Edwards, New Hampshire's to liquor enforcer suggested that bars and restaurants should limit their patrons to one alcoholic drink per hour. That is right, the Granite State is considering imposing mandatory nursing in it watering holes.

If New Hampshire is really serious about curbing drinking and driving it might want to consider taking a few alternative measures.
  • It should mandate either that the people of New Hampshire become more attractive or, in the alternative, become more easy. This would cut down on the need for alcohol on dates at restaurants.
  • The state could also mandate that the state itself be way less depressing. Have you ever driven through New Hampshire? I get "thirsty" the second I hit the border.
  • Also, if he is really interested in curbing drunken driving, Eddie Edwards might want to consider the state run liquor stores accessible from major highways. Just a thought.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Most Dangerous Place in Cambridge

The most dangerous place in Cambridge is not near the methadone clinic or late night by the Charles river, but in a Central Square fast food establishment.

In the past week, the rash of fast food related crimes included:

What is it about McDonald's and Wendy's that gets the inhabitants of Central Square so pissed off? Is it trans fats? Is it the fact that people are disappointed that the fast food establishments aren't the multi-racial utopia of hotness as they are portrayed in the advertising? Are people still looking for a proper outlet for their grief at Dave Thomas's passing from a heart attack likely caused by eating the very food he sold?

We at BNN won't rest until we find out. Until then, we are going deep undercover by ordering off the dollar menus.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Middle Schoolers Are Totally Pedophiles

Is this really a thing?

The Boston Herald is reporting the outbreak of a phenomena known as "sexting." Six middle school boys, between the ages of 12-14, will soon face child pornogrophy charges in Falmouth District Court. The charges stem from one of the boys taking a nude photo of his 13 year old girlfriend and sending it to his friends.
Columbia University Professor Sari Locker said surveys suggest one in five teens has sent or received nude or semi-nude pictures. “When boys receive a nude picture of a girl, they think the next time they see her they can go further with her in a sexual way than before,” she said. “It becomes an invitation to advance a sexual relationship.” But Locker said she believes criminal charges are excessive: “Clearly these boys are not sexual predators or pedophiles."
These children need to be punished. If not, they will grow up spoiled as hell. It took until my senior year of college for me to get a cell phone, let alone a consensually attained naked picture of a woman i knew.

Kids these days.

Portland Oregon is Scandalously Gay

Portland, Oregon (or, as I like to call it, Northwest New England) is currently embroiled in a doozy of a political sex scandal involving Sam Adams, the openly gay mayor, an under aged intern named Beau Breedlove. Slate has the full story here.

If Cambridge's mayor was involved in a similar scandal It would be totally hot. If Mayor Menino was involved in any sort of sex scandal, people would be openly vomiting in the streets every time they pictured Menino in any sort of intimate entanglement.

Seriously, that's gross.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Byron Russel Is Awesome

Every Boston and Cambridge blog has addressed this, but State Representative Byron Russel is continuing his quixotic quest to repeal archaic Massachusetts laws that remain on the book.

Russel plans to introduce legislation to repeal bans tattoo artists, Communism, and fornication.

That sound you hear is everyone in Cambridge high-fiving each other.

Boston Daily [ Change We Can Believe In]

Monday, February 9, 2009

Econ 911: Economy hurting infidelity

The Boston Herald is reporting that the economy is really killing infidelity.

With the economy on the downswing, the cottage industry related to lust and infidelity is badly in need of a stimulus. The first sign of the lust-pocalypse was Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler, calling for a pornography bailout.

This report by the Herald shows that teh economy is not only hurting erotic fantasies, but are affecting the real deal. Private investigators report 50% less business tracking adulterers. And those cases they do get are no longer the subject of interesting Mike Hammer stories:

DiNatale explained he used to make a killing tailing “people where daddy has a
girlfriend and the girlfriend is living in a condo that daddy bought.” But
now, he says, “I’ll see a guy and a woman jump into a guy’s pickup truck and go

So the economy is hurting several industries

  • Condo sales and motel rentals
  • Presents and financial support for mistresses, which in turn creates an uptick in unemployment
  • the adultery hospitality industry: there is no need to go to rpicy secluded restaurants now that the only people going out are non-adulterers
  • Couples therapy guys only go into couples tehrapy when tehy have been caught cheating

This is just a short list of the economic havoc wreaked by the lust-pocalypse. Gentlemen, please heed the call of BNN's own Cynthia Lyster and go out and have affairs:

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Pope is all like whoa.

The Pope enjoys Catholics, beach parties, and fancy hats.

The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, met with the Pope Benedict XVI and was all like "Yo, you gotta clarify n'shit that the Holocaust was fo realzies and you totally reject that biznass."

And the pope was like "Yo bitch, I know it was for real and I'm all like sorry n'shit. The jews and me are like, mad tight."

But then this bishop was like " What, ho! The Holocaust never happened! You crazy!"

But the pope was all like "dude, shut up."

*these are not direct quotes, but if you read between the lines, it's totally there. Subtext, baby.*

Monday, February 2, 2009

ECON - 911 : Macy's slashing jobs

Macy's is cutting 4 percent of its staff. I don't have a joke, but I just wanted to show of our boss new ECON-911 logo.

Juvie Judges: Show me the money.

Two Judges are accused of receiving kick backs for sending kids to jail.

Because clearly if you're going to have to send kids to jail, you might as well get paid for it... and help boost your local detention center's economic health.

Sample Offense: "[parodying] a school administrator online".