Monday, June 22, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Tanning Methods

For some reason, I have received many requests on how to tan properly. I have listed the five most popular methods of tanning for your perusal. While I abhor the process of tanning in general, I do understand it is a necessary part of preservation. Enjoy! - Walt.

1. The Sun - Until my colleagues at CERN can complete their cold fusion generator, the sun maintains its monopoly on providing thermal energy to the Earth. Ideal places to absorb the preponderance of solar energy to activate epidermal melanin would be beaches, parks, deserts, and observatories. Beware of potential overexposure to radiation, as mutagenesis is not as ideal as one would think. Also, not recommended for victims of albinism.

2. Curing - One can easily tan by using various combinations of salts, acids, and lyes. It permanently alters the protein coat of the epidermis thereby preserving it for extended duration. It provides a lustrous sheen and pleasant smell not provided by other forms of tanning. Highly recommended (though not for humans).

3. Bronzing Cream - While not actually made of real bronze, it usually costs as much as the bronzing process would generally. I once had my son Oeddie's shoes bronzed, but he was still using them, so he was displeased. Bronzing cream retains the luster of bronzing without the petrification commonly associated with it. If one desires the statuesque look, it is highly recommended. However if one desires a more realistic look, I would avoid this, lest you desire to impersonate a tangelo. Avoid, unless essential.

4. UV Lamps - Since the discovery of UV radiation by Johann Ritter in 1801, mankind has had a long desire to replicate the sun. Since the development of the "tanning bed" by Richard Dotson in 1950, the sun has become all but obsolete in the realm of tanning. Now, individuals may tan year round without waiting for the fickle star to show its face. Highly recommended.

5. Spanking - My preferred method of tanning, not because of the autoeroticism, but primarily because it provides a longer lasting tan (if done properly). I once spanked my daughter Sappho for wanting to go to the beach. I gave her such a tan, that she didn't even need to go to the beach anymore. Which was fortuitous, as I am light sensitive, and cannot afford to spend too much time in the sun. Recommended.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Hampshire is Totally Gay

Welcome to the Communist -Not-Real-America Club, New Hampshire.

North End Residents Shocked by Dimasi Indictment

I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!

Unlike Captain Renault in Casablanca, the Boston Globe reports that the residents of the North End are shocked and dismayed after they learned of the federal indictment against former Massachusetts Speaker of the House Sal DiMasi.

We at BNN have conducted an investigation and have discovered other revelations that have shocked the North End residents.

Professional wrestling is staged.

Residents were saddened and disheartened to learn that the Ultimate Warrior is neither ultimate nor a warrior, unless you coount his new career as a crazy fringe activist. They also lamented at the fact that the only death involved in a Death Match occurs 15 years later as a result of steroids and hard living. Shocked.

Liberace was gay

Many North End residents were big fans of the flamboyant pianist and always imagined that he would settle down and meet the right girl. Residents interviewed often made statements to the effect of "I just thought he was using the flamboyant costumes to meet girls."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Seasons

Summer - forget what Christians say, summer is the season to be jolly! There's free heat, plenty of exposed epiderma, and if you have a job - vacations (If you don't have a job, this season is immaterial, as all year is your vacation)! I have always thought that Christmas was scheduled for the winter only because songwriters only wrote in the winter (for they were having far too much fun outdoors in the summer)!

Old Bay - this wonderful blend of seasons can be added to seafood, poultry, and salads with enough punch for all three at the same time! I usually get the standard amount of 2.6 oz, but if you are an avid cooker or an actual chef, you might get the bucket. Same great taste for over 60 years! It does not ever spoil!

Cleveland Cavaliers - I have much of a furore over this LeBron James. I have witnessed him personally fail on several occasions, and have not been impressed. He is an adequate performer, but his colleagues require superior conditioning. Perhaps if the team could incorporate another player such as my favorite, Tom Chambers, they will improve remarkably. Another attractive option is Dan Majerle, or any other player acquired by my good friend Cotton Fitzsimmons (a man whose knowledge of basketball is without parallel).

Hurricane - it's always a safe bet to predict a terrible hurricane season, and then be satisfied when your prediction is incorrect. This season will be particularly awful, though we should wait and see what happens though. That's what FEMA does, and they know how to grab a hurricane by the African horn. If you do not care for hurricane season, move to Hindustan and try Monsoon season. It's far more pleasant.