Thursday, July 30, 2009


Our legal correspondent's non-funny, barely informed views on the Crowley/Gates affair.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Weddings

This week I have decided to review various types of weddings. If you are interested in getting married, or have some friends who are getting married, perhaps you can learn something from this survey. Enjoy! - Walt

1. Gay Weddings - Gay weddings are exactly as their name suggests - quite enjoyable. Unfortunately, very few states in the union allow gay weddings, primarily because frivolity is frowned upon in modern society. I have attended several gay weddings, and they were beautiful experiences. I suggest that if you live in states that tolerate gay weddings, you should attempt to have a gay wedding. Just be warned, the decorations will be fantastic, and often costly.

2. Hindu Weddings - Hindu weddings are to normal weddings as cricket is to baseball. These weddings are very flashy and exotic, but if you have witnessed enough of them, you will understand how interminable they are. Roughly five days in duration, Hindus put the wedding process at a premium, perhaps that is why most Hindus stay married. They have spent so much time trying to get married, that they decide to avoid having to go through the process once more. That is why I have only had one colonoscopy.

3. Dog Weddings - Dog weddings are like human weddings, but cheaper, and often end in heartbreak. Dogs are naturally unfaithful creatures, but by learning from them how to maintain a dog marriage, one can perfect one's own marriage. If you desire to attend a dog marriage, I would recommend golden retrievers. They are quite beautiful, and often give the best gifts to guests. Avoid pugs, as they are disgusting creatures.

4. Second Weddings - Many people enjoy the process of divorce and remarrying, but do not wish to surrender half of their income. This is why second weddings were created by Scott Johansson of Burbank, CA in 1961. This is ideal for married couples who forgot what their wedding day was like (usually because they lost daguerrotypes or could not afford a wedding daguerrotypographer).

5. Military Wedding - Sometimes confused for a shotgun wedding. However, traditional shotgun weddings normally do not involve instruments of torture often associated with the military. But I am told both involve much lubrication by alcohol. The armed forces always have festive occasions, and if you are marrying someone not in the armed forces, I suggest you offer them up for enlistment, as America is always looking for good men (and sometimes women), and you can then enjoy a superior wedding.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Tanning Methods

For some reason, I have received many requests on how to tan properly. I have listed the five most popular methods of tanning for your perusal. While I abhor the process of tanning in general, I do understand it is a necessary part of preservation. Enjoy! - Walt.

1. The Sun - Until my colleagues at CERN can complete their cold fusion generator, the sun maintains its monopoly on providing thermal energy to the Earth. Ideal places to absorb the preponderance of solar energy to activate epidermal melanin would be beaches, parks, deserts, and observatories. Beware of potential overexposure to radiation, as mutagenesis is not as ideal as one would think. Also, not recommended for victims of albinism.

2. Curing - One can easily tan by using various combinations of salts, acids, and lyes. It permanently alters the protein coat of the epidermis thereby preserving it for extended duration. It provides a lustrous sheen and pleasant smell not provided by other forms of tanning. Highly recommended (though not for humans).

3. Bronzing Cream - While not actually made of real bronze, it usually costs as much as the bronzing process would generally. I once had my son Oeddie's shoes bronzed, but he was still using them, so he was displeased. Bronzing cream retains the luster of bronzing without the petrification commonly associated with it. If one desires the statuesque look, it is highly recommended. However if one desires a more realistic look, I would avoid this, lest you desire to impersonate a tangelo. Avoid, unless essential.

4. UV Lamps - Since the discovery of UV radiation by Johann Ritter in 1801, mankind has had a long desire to replicate the sun. Since the development of the "tanning bed" by Richard Dotson in 1950, the sun has become all but obsolete in the realm of tanning. Now, individuals may tan year round without waiting for the fickle star to show its face. Highly recommended.

5. Spanking - My preferred method of tanning, not because of the autoeroticism, but primarily because it provides a longer lasting tan (if done properly). I once spanked my daughter Sappho for wanting to go to the beach. I gave her such a tan, that she didn't even need to go to the beach anymore. Which was fortuitous, as I am light sensitive, and cannot afford to spend too much time in the sun. Recommended.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Hampshire is Totally Gay

Welcome to the Communist -Not-Real-America Club, New Hampshire.

North End Residents Shocked by Dimasi Indictment

I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!

Unlike Captain Renault in Casablanca, the Boston Globe reports that the residents of the North End are shocked and dismayed after they learned of the federal indictment against former Massachusetts Speaker of the House Sal DiMasi.

We at BNN have conducted an investigation and have discovered other revelations that have shocked the North End residents.

Professional wrestling is staged.

Residents were saddened and disheartened to learn that the Ultimate Warrior is neither ultimate nor a warrior, unless you coount his new career as a crazy fringe activist. They also lamented at the fact that the only death involved in a Death Match occurs 15 years later as a result of steroids and hard living. Shocked.

Liberace was gay

Many North End residents were big fans of the flamboyant pianist and always imagined that he would settle down and meet the right girl. Residents interviewed often made statements to the effect of "I just thought he was using the flamboyant costumes to meet girls."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Seasons

Summer - forget what Christians say, summer is the season to be jolly! There's free heat, plenty of exposed epiderma, and if you have a job - vacations (If you don't have a job, this season is immaterial, as all year is your vacation)! I have always thought that Christmas was scheduled for the winter only because songwriters only wrote in the winter (for they were having far too much fun outdoors in the summer)!

Old Bay - this wonderful blend of seasons can be added to seafood, poultry, and salads with enough punch for all three at the same time! I usually get the standard amount of 2.6 oz, but if you are an avid cooker or an actual chef, you might get the bucket. Same great taste for over 60 years! It does not ever spoil!

Cleveland Cavaliers - I have much of a furore over this LeBron James. I have witnessed him personally fail on several occasions, and have not been impressed. He is an adequate performer, but his colleagues require superior conditioning. Perhaps if the team could incorporate another player such as my favorite, Tom Chambers, they will improve remarkably. Another attractive option is Dan Majerle, or any other player acquired by my good friend Cotton Fitzsimmons (a man whose knowledge of basketball is without parallel).

Hurricane - it's always a safe bet to predict a terrible hurricane season, and then be satisfied when your prediction is incorrect. This season will be particularly awful, though we should wait and see what happens though. That's what FEMA does, and they know how to grab a hurricane by the African horn. If you do not care for hurricane season, move to Hindustan and try Monsoon season. It's far more pleasant.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: US Military Battles

Today, in honor of Memorial Day, I wish to remind Americans of the greatest military battles of all time. I have listed five battles within the top 10 (scores are based upon the Krieger Scale*).

May 26, 1637 - Mystic Massacre of the Pequot War. John Mason led a force of colonists along with Niantic warriors against the Pequot. During an extended siege of the palisade of the Pequots, observing much struggle between Mason's men and the Pequot amazonian and youth warriors, he instructed his troops to set the enclosure on fire, killing all 600 soldiers therein. He later commented on this military success by saying that it was an act of God who "laughed his Enemies and the Enemies of his People to scorn making [the Pequot] as a fiery Oven . . . Thus did the Lord judge among the Heathen, filling [Mystic] with dead Bodies."

Score - 9.79

October 3-4, 1993 - Battle of Mogadishu. This is better known for the skirmish of where the helicopter Black Hawk was lost. Despite this, allied forces were successfully able to extricate all but eighteen soldiers, killing over 700 Somali militants. US Black Hawk helicopters fell victim to the superior technological might of the Somali militants, but were able to bounce back with sheer heroism and win the day (thanks to the aid of Pakistani and Malaysian forces).

Score 9.28

March 8-9, 1962: Battle of Hampton Roads. Better remembered as the battle between the "Monitor" and the "Merrimack", as US warfare entered the technological age. Racist Confederate forces resurrected the destroyed USS Merrimack and reforged them using the fires of Mount Doom into an ironclad ship called the CSS Virginia. This technological monstrosity wreaked havoc on the Union forces until they unveiled their doppelganger of righteousness - USS Monitor. In a tense battle where several Union ships were destroyed or heavily damaged, but the lines were held, both sides were forced to accept a draw. Questions still linger on the European involvement in this battle, as Americans do not accept draws as a result.

Score 8.87

February 23-March 6, 1836 - Battle of the Alamo. Remember the Alamo? It is not only a popular tourist trap in Texas, but was also the site of a historic battle in the US-Mexican War. Outnumbered fifty to one (my estimate may be higher than that previously reported), US forces outlasted superior Mexican forces in a major front to lead to independence for Texas. In hindsight, if we knew what Texas would give us, we probably should not have fought so hard. Nevertheless, American forces fought valiantly in a well deserved bittersweet victory. Why bittersweet? All women and children were released despite the deaths of every American soldier at the Alamo.

Score 8.85

September 1918-July1919 - Polar Bear Expedition. Part of the Allied intervention into Northern Russia to prevent acquisition of war stockpiles in Archangelsk from falling into the hands of the Kaiser or the Bolsheviks. Though no official battle was fought in Archangelsk, the bravery of US soldiers to protect the supply must not be ever forgotten. Over 110 soldiers died in battle, 30 went M.I.A., and 70 died from Spanish flu. Possibly the first example of biological warfare?

Score 8.06

*The Krieger Scale of Justified Militarism is based upon a complex equation using the Kohlberg scale of morality, the pentatonic scale, the Goddard scale, and the Aarhus diplomacy constant. Scores range from 1-10, with 10 being the highest.