Saturday, October 25, 2008

We've Pissed Off The GOP

Yes! Finally, the press has noticed us. The press in Attleboro, MA!

GOP says this joke no laughing matter

Who cares that our show doesn't get broadcast out of Cambridge? I've been assured that several families in the area have internet connectivity, and on weekends they invite the townsfolk to gather in their barn for an old fashion neighborhood email check. I understand they also enjoy watching YouTubes.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Live Election Night Show Is Only Two Weeks Away

Friends, we've got two weeks left until our five hour long Election Night show and Harpoon Brewery, the best, most refreshingly American brewer on Earth, gave us what our auditor is calling "a shit ton" of beerz. Please come on the 4th and drink it with us. We cannot promise that you'll get layed, but have you ever been to an election night where the possibility even existed?

Friday, September 26, 2008

Blog Has Been Down - Blame CNN

We at Boston News Net have been hard at work producing our weekly broadcast, but as you can see from this blog, we've not been very good about updating this very page. Why? This is why -

CNN News Muse Kate Bolduan (pronounced "Baldwin" - can you believe it???). We love her, and have been trying desperately to do something newsworthy enough for her to come by the studio and interview us. So we can make her marry us! All of us! Kate B. BNN. It's going to be great.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Headlines of History, Unite

The big story thisa weeka involves two stories, so, lies already.

The first is the whuh, huh, whoaa, ohhh, waaaahhh, huhhh, awwww of Hurricane Gustav, who snootily stormed into the Gulf of Mexico and is on his way back to the mists without
so much as a Spike Lee short. But that has barely overshadowed the waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh of Governor Sarah Palin (AIP - AK) and her gosh darn inspirin can-do pilgrimage to all those fatcats in Waaaashington, dontchaknow. Senator McCain chose her essay above the 22,000 others and has brought her on his ticket, presumably a ticket with "Andrea Doria" written proudly upon it.

Both of these stories have been huge because of their unintended consequences: Gustav pushed thousands of residents out of New Orleans for (apparently) no apparent reason, since the hurricane didn't destroy the world, and Palin's almost impossibly checkered past is causing a wee bit of trouble in John McCain's campaign to not be a nation-wide laughingstock of incompetent planning, research, decision-making, and general unshittiness. Also, she had a baby and now her baby havin a baby and mmhmm it on now girl!

Yet led by the important news outlets of our time, CNN and Fox News (both high-powered by the electric generator connected to the spinning drybones of Ed Murrow), most media outlets choose not to look at the issues on their face value. But why would they? For example in the Gustav story, New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, in conjunction with governor Bobby Jindal and FEMA Administrator R. David Paulson, decided to order a mandatory evacuation on Sunday in anticipation of the Monday morning hurricane strike, thus ordering over 200,000 NOLA residents out of the city and jamming the Louisiana and Mississippi state highways with over 1.9 million people over the weekend and despite the inflated estimate of $10 billion in oil damages the strength of the reinforced levees combined with the weakness and trajectory of the storm's landfall means thousands of families are stranded outside the state waiting for a slow-coming ok to come back into the blah blah blah you stopped reading this a fucking hour ago. That was just the abstract! THE ABSTRACT!

So instead, the next best thing is to look at the news the way the news was meant to be We're gonna look at it like sports. Winners and losers, baby.

"McCain Turns Gustav Into an Asset"

"Gustav Could Be Boon To GOP"

"Palin Pioneer, Maverick, and now a Game Changer"

"Did The Media Take Swipes At Sarah Palin?"

The latter being, of course, a special report by the media. These are just an example of the fantastic journalistic activity in the nation right now. And boy oh boy do they pay tribute to the past standards of excellence, following in line with famous headlines of years past:

"Big Fat Gain For Big Fat Taft: Our Vessels Don't Sink And Drown 1,500"

"Japan Attacks Pearl Harbor, Apparent Benefit For Japan War Machine"

"Reagan's State Of Union Buoyed By Emotional Prayer For Lost Challenger; Oh, No One Told You? Yeah, They Exploded"

"LBJ To Stay In Play With JFK's Brains All Astray"

"Royal Family Stands To Lose After Antoinette, Louis Beheadings"

Facts are boring. Scores are not! 1-0, scores!

(crossposted at Too Much Ice Cream)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Feel Better About You

So the Globe asked readers to send in pictures that apparently have something to do with Heath Ledger's suicide. This one right here is one of my favorites for a variety of reasons. The guy is wearing black eye make-up under the mask, and the older lady is dressed as one of the caped crusader's oldest foes: some kind of winged prostitute. Analysis suggests that the little girl is smiling because Mr "Never-too-old-for-Halloween-or-pretending-I'm-a-superhero" is pinching one of her facial nerves.

Here is a Graph

The Boston Globe is the best paper on the globe. That's why they're named as such. Today they give us a graph to enjoy, complete with lines and colors and numbers. Those who went to math school will instantly notice that the globe has just informed us that the Big Dig cost, in the words of Mr Webster "a fucking shitload." Thank you, Boston Globe. We knew you would get to that one eventually.

Globe: Big Dig's Red Ink Engulfs State

Kevin Cullen, Local Genius, Knows Many Things!

Just who is this silver fox who bears such a striking resemblance to Niles Crane's father? It's Kevin Cullen, that's who! And he loves his prematurely gray hair! And golf shirts under blazers! And writing rambling editorials for the Globe that are supposed to seem kind of brash and fun (he uses slang and such things!), but actually make you feel bad because it's not fun. Not at all! Make sure you read his work every chance you get, because he needs the support of his readers! And help moving into the Residence in in Taunton!

Cullen: If you don't like homosexuals, don't marry one

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

China Prepares For Olympics By Renforcing Stereotypes

BEIJING - Ahead of the August 8th opening ceremony for the Summer Olympics (XXIX for those counting and are Roman), China has been screwing around with fireworks, because apparently that's their thing. They will also be making tea, skittering around in dragon costumes, and mercilessly suppressing dissidents.

Jesus Saves

“I couldn’t have done it without my mother,” said a smiling Jesus. “And I learned to be calm from my dad.”

Eight Year Old Jesus a Savior

Oil Prices Drop, Waiting For Things to Get Okay Again Before Spiking

Oil prices dropped $4.50 to $134.24 a barrel today, continuing a slide in prices that started on Tuesday morning. While experts believe that the cause is attributable to increased supply coupled with a slackening demand due to decreased consumption, we at BNN are anticipating that it will shoot up to $200/barrel shortly, just as soon as the fallout from the FannieMae/FreddieMac bail-out passes and Americans start to feel hopeful about the economy.

JD Drew is King of Baseball!

JD Drew, who has spent the last 32 years desperately overcompensating for being a dirty ginger nutz, has been named King of Baseball after his 2-run homer during last night's All-Star game hit a blind kid in the stands and miraculously gave him sight. And cancer. In baseball, that's scored as a .500 and gets you a star shaped candle stick from Filenes Basement. It was marked down because it used to be part of a pair whose mate was destroyed in 1997 after Wil Cordero knocked it over while looking for something shiny to beat his wife with.

News Flash: The Red Line is Terrible

The Boston Globe is reporting what everyone already knows - that riding the T is like getting waterboarded, except instead of water the MBTA uses smells, late trains, and bums who apparently speak a lost twin language. Read all about it while you're waiting 20 minutes for the train that the conductor of the last packed-to-the-rafters-car-you-couldn't-shoehorn-into promised was "directly behind this train". Ha.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Why Should I Believe Larry Sinclair?


With Larry Sinclair’s press conference coming up on 6/18/08, there’s not only a lot of dumbocrats shaking in their Birkenstocks that the man the put their faith in instead of Jesus is about to get exposed for the drug-taking, murderous, lying, Muslim, left-handed, homo, negro voodoo priest that he most certainly is. Still, Americans are a fair people and they wanna have all the information they can get before making the decision they know in their hearts to be true – that “President HUSSEIN Obama” will destroy America’s value and Christian heritage by selling us out to the towelheads or worse.

I was talking with some fella name xjblib over at Big Head DC, one of the best places to find out just how guilty Barack Osama Homo Bin Laden is and not have to listen to a bunch of morons and homos trying to defend him. While I was talking with him, it occurred to me that there ain’t a single document, like the voter’s guide that Dr. Dobson hands out, that’ll really let you look at the facts real quick and make up your on mind based on the information that’s given to you.

So I went ahead and made one.

The biggest thing about this whole dust-up is that fence-sitters say, “why should I believe Larry Sinclair when I don’t know him from Adam?” If you’re stupid enough to ask those kinds of questions, then this chart is gonna show you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Larry Sinclair is a whole lot more trustworthy than Barack Osama Homo Bin Laden.

A dumbocrat thinks he can find truth anywhere when, in fact,
truth only comes from the common sense that God gave you.

The way works is like this – I identified 12 important things that are key to figuring out whether to trust someone or not. For each thing would make you not trust someone, I gave the person a point. It’s really pretty simple. When you add everything up you’re gonna see that Larry Sinclair scores a 2 and Barack Osama Homo Bin Laden scores an 11! So who do you think is the more trustworthy person?


no_america.jpg Illegal Citizen – There’s real good proof coming out that Homobama ain’t even a American!! Hawaii might be a state but Rick Warren calls himself a Christian, too.

name.jpg Foreign Name – Ronald. George . Herbert. Those are names that sound America and that means that you can trust them. They ain’t the names of someone’s who’s gonna kill you in your sleep. Osama. Achmed. Barack. Them’s the names that terrorists have. I ain’t even sure why I gotta point this out but there’s plenty of drug-addled dumbocrats that don’t seem to get it.

jailbird.jpg Felon – You can’t trust a criminal but people make mistakes sometimes. Larry Sinclair came right out and admitted the dozens and dozens of crimes he committed right out of the gate. Homobama ain’t confessed to ONE of his. If it’s between a criminal that went to jail and one that ain’t, I’m gonna go with the one that has.

drugs.gif Drug user – Larry Sinclair says he ain’t done drugs for a long time and I got no reason to doubt him. Homobama said he stopped doing drugs along time ago and yet he smoked crack cocaine with Sinclair AFTER he said that he hadn’t done drugs for awhile. How do we know that he still don’t smoke crack or heroin or something worse? We don’t!

bloody_knife.jpg Murderer – Larry Sinclair ain’t killed one single person. Homobama has killed three homo negros who thought they’d squeal on him. I guess that’s like self-hating Jews or something. One of the first things I teach my kids – DON’T TRUST A MURDERER!

clinton.jpg Liar – Larry Sinclair’s been 100% honest about everything he done. Homabama can’t even talk about the weather without lying about it. And he ain’t a good liar, neither.

terrorist.jpg Muslim – You only have to look at his name to know that Homobama is a muslim. There’s even pictures of him with a towel on his head! Remember when he talked about the 57 states he been to? He weren’t talking about the United States – he was talking about ARAB states! I’m currently talking to a couple of people that claim that he prays to Mecca seven times a day like the devout towelhead he is. Larry Sinclair is NOT a Muslim. He’s white.

mixed-handed-left.png Left-handed – It’s a proven fact that left-handed people are lazy, shiftless and wanna live off the government without doing a stitch of work. They buy homes they can’t pay for but still somehow manage to drive around in Cadillacs. Watch Larry’s videos. He’s right-handed and that says a lot about a man’s character.

rainbow.png Gay – My song, The Sodomite’s Lament, is a pretty factual representation of the way homos live. All they care about is sex, drugs and butt sex. When you think about the lying and deviousness it takes to spend your life lusting after sinfulness it oughta be pretty clear that you’d be better off putting a gun to your head than trusting a homo. Now some people are gonna say it takes two to have gay sex. But according to his website, Larry Sinclair say that “he is single, never married.” If he was a faggot, wouldn’t he say that?

question.gif Metrosexual – I ain’t sure what this is but I know that Homobama is one, Larry Sinclair ain’t and that you can’t trust someone who is.

voodoo.gif Voodoo Priest – Larry Sinclair is a white man. Voodoo priests are negros. Homobama has never allowed anyone to verify that he has a voodoo altar in the basement of his house. Why wouldn’t he want to clear this up? Why would you trust him if he doesn’t?

jockey_sm.gif Negro – Again, Larry Sinclair is a white man. xjblib at BHDC makes the valid point that Homobama may be a Oreo but he ain’t a negro. I had a hard time figuring out how to score this. Originally, I was gonna give him a 2 on this because if you can’t say what race somebody is it makes it twice as hard to know if you can trust them or not. Someone suggested that I split the difference and give him a half point but that made the math a little hard. In the end, my pastor told me it kind cancels itself out so I oughta give him a 0 on it. After praying, Jesus said the same thing.

Those are the facts. Y'all go and do your research and you're gonna find out the exact same thing if you're doing it right.

So make sure you're paying attention on Wednesday, June 18, 2008 from 1-5:00 PM. The press conference will be in the Holman Lounge at the National Press Club. I'm told it's a pretty upscale place, too!

God is Love!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The Pelosi Premium - How Dumbo-crats Plan To Kill Democracy

The Pelosi Premium

If you couldn't have seen $4/gallon gas coming the moment that Nancy "Mafia Princess" Pelosi got "elected" Speaker of the House then you don't read the Bible. I wonder just how much of the money good, hard working Christians pay at the pump goes right into the purse made of the skin of dead pre-borns that Pelosi carries around with her? $2? $3? The straight out fact is that gas went up 70% since the dumbo-crats took over Congress. 70%! That buys a lot of crack, don't it, "Senator" Obama? It's all part of the lie-beral plan to destroy the American economy and set up a Communist dictatorship in the US headed by a murderous, left-handed, gay, negro, crackhed voodoo priest whose name I ain't gonna mention.

See, by driving up the price of gas, they're hoping to start what Pelosi calls "the grand and glorious revolution of the proletariat". They think the American people are so stupid that they won't see through their evil plan, blame the Republican party and vote for a murderous, left-handed, gay, negro, crackhed voodoo priest who'll then declare himself Supreme Commissar for Life, opening the door for Obama bin Laden to waltz right in and make it illegal to have bacon with your eggs in the morning.

If Homobama gets elected, ham, bacon and sausage will
no longer be allowed on the family breakfast table because
we will be forced to be muslims

Americans ain't that stupid, though, and when God appoints the new president, gas prices are gonna fall faster than Michelle Obama fell for the line that her "husband" was a heterosexual.

"How's that gonna happen, Billy Bob," all the drugged out lie-beral zombies are gonna cry, "Lord Obama says it's impossible to bring down gas prices and we believe him cuz he's so handsome!" Well, he's lying! Simple as that! We got oil lying all over the United States of America, just wanting to be drilled and dug up but the dumbo-crats won't let us! They'd rather see Americans suffer and wilt rather than lift a finger to help them After all, John Kerry don't give a fig about ordinary Americans. He justs wants to laugh at their pain!

This is the vision of the American family put forth by the dumbo-crats
for the 2008 election. You think this is why God created America?

And Americans are suffering under the iron thumb of La Cosa Pelosi

  • A family in Texas had to cancel their cable to pay for gasoline
  • A family in Maine had to cancel their summer vacation plans just to send their son to Eagle Scout camp in Colorado
  • A family of twelve in Oklahoma has to get by on a quarter can of beans per person just to be able to afford to drive their Escalade to get the kids to school.
  • A grandmother in Mississippi died because her son couldn't afford the gas to drive her to the emergency room when she had a stroke.

The number of tragedies wrought by the dumb0-crats numbers into the millions! And all of it could be avoided if they'd step out of the way and let us get the oil God gave us. It's like this spokesman said on Fox News Sunday a couple of weeks ago -

The Creator didn’t leave oil and gas on every plot of land

But he did tell us how to find it and we owe it to both ourselves AND God to use what he gave us.


Can you find ANWAR? If it's so big, then how come you can't see it?

Now, unless you're home schooled, you probably don't know that this is a map of the world. If you look at the purple part in the upper left hand side - that's Alaska. There's a whole ton of oil in Alaska that the Dumbo-crats wanna tell us we can't use. Why? Because we might kill a couple of snow fleas. Oh, boo hoo! Let all the grandmother's in America die from strokes but please, oh, please save the snow fleas! Y'all can call me anything you want but I would personally hunt down every gol-darned snow flea in the world to save my grandmother.

Save the snow flea or save Grandma? The only possible reason to
spend any kind of time thinking about this question is if you're a drug

Another reason the commies say we can't take God's oil outta there is that it's so "pristine". That's a bunch of crap because I bet they never been to Alaska since most homos don't like the cold. Can you see Barney Frank up there in ANWAR trying to have butt sex with an Eskimo. I bet they'd be feasting on his blubber in no time flat! I might be able to understand not drilling around the Creation Science musem because there's people there to enjoy it. But ANWAR?! No, sir.

There are some lie-berals that say it'll take 30 years to start getting oil outta ANWAR and it don't help with the short term solution. They're stupid. If we'd started drilling there 30 years ago we wouldn't be where we are now!


What would you say to 3 trillion barrels of oil? Think that'd bring down the price of gas? Lie-berals say no thank you. This is the only country in the world where we hold a wake when we find new oild supplies! Shale oil extraction could solve our gas crisis overnight. But the dumbo-crats won't even let you dig a hole in the ground. "We have to respect Mother Goddess Earth", they blaspheme. Let's just remember that God told us that we held DOMINION over the earth! The only thing that we ain't supposed to touch is the forbidden fruit and that dumb broad already messed that one up. So just like the female of the species always does, Pelosi don't do what God wants and does do what He don't want. We are the Saudi Arabia of coal and shale AND we don't wear towels on our heads. That's a win-win in everybody's book except the lie-berals. You see, it don't advance the revolution.

What's wrong with digging holes? Beats me! I bet that
lie-beral parents don't even let kids dig in a sandbox now!


What do you care about more - having the God-given right to drive around the corner to the store or taking a ride on a dolphin? That's one of them questions that you don't really answer. It's more to make the point that defeato-crats are so stupid that they don't realize that we are part of the environment too! It ain't the plants and animals that made America the greatest country on earth. It's people! And progress takes energy. Them Greenpeace terrorists don't never think about the fact that it takes gas for to drive their boats to stop Americans from having a nice tuna fish sandwich for lunch. If they was honest then they'd swim. But they ain't. Instead, they wanna let 85% of the oil that that Creator put under the ocean just rot like milk left out on the counter. Why? Because they hate America.

If Greenpeace really cared about the environment like they
claim they do, they'd stop using boats to rob Americans of
the gas that belongs to them and swim instead.

So to sum it all up, if you don't wanna turn this country into a land of commie mulisms sitting around reading the koran by candlelight call your congressman TODAY and tell him that you want every single drop of oil we can get our hands on!

God is Love!

Friday, June 27, 2008

We couldn't make this up.

From the International Herald Tribune ( 

"...a group going by the regal-sounding name of the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco is planning to ask voters here to change the name of a prize-winning water-treatment plant on the shoreline to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant."

We suspect this means that it'll only be a matter of time before Deer Island is renamed Bulger Island. Which, not coincidentally, would make a great title and concept for a reality show-- at the end of the show, two contestants are left standing. One contestant becomes the president of U. Mass, and the other goes on the run. Forever. 

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I don't know where ye been, but you won first place

Larry Sinclair's attorney Montgomery Sibley showed up at his client's National Press Club conference wearing a kilt today, claiming that his unusually large endowment (read: HUGE COCK/BALLS) made wearing trousers uncomfortable. BNN operatives have been trolling the Internet for pics, and all we can find are photos of Sibley wearing trousers, sans bulge. What gives? Of all the days to go crazy.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Weymouth to Sex Offenders: Stay 1500 Feet From Kids!

Sex Offenders to Weymouth: We'll Buy Binoculars!

The Boston Globe reports that level 3 sex offenders in Weymouth (as well as other towns in MA) are being required to stay even further from schools, parks, and pools than previously required. Readers should note that level 3 sex offenders are considered to be at a high risk to re-offend. Which, when one considers that they were arrested, convicted, and released, is almost too idiotic to comment on.

Almost! Move them to France, where they can enjoy a life of wine, cheese, and a retrospective produced by HBO. Everyone wins! Or is that no one?

DiMasi Takes the "F" Out of Casual Fridays

...and puts it right back into "Go fuck yourself", at least if you're one of the few State House employees who toil the week away, waiting for the one day a week when you can celebrate the sense of bad taste and poor decision making that got you that job in the first place.

Yes - the truth hurts. No more Casual Fridays at the State House. Good news is that it looks like Nepotism Tuesday and Unbelievable Are You Kidding Me Bullshit Thursday are in not in danger. Hail to thee, il Padrone.

Friday, June 13, 2008

And Bill O'Reilly still lives...

Tim Russert, anchor of NBC's Meet The Press and not the asshole that 90% of TV journalists tend to be, died today of a heart attack. He was 58 and a mensch.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Finally the GOP is Embracing the Revolution

From the Old Gray Lady's lobotomized younger sister:

The red T-shirts worn by Bobby Jindal's supporters declared "Louisiana Revolution," with the candidate's features imposed on the famous two-tone visage of Che Guevara.

That unusual profile - a 36-year-old Indian-American religious conservative - has launched a prospective vice presidential candidacy. Jindal is imagined as a possible counterpart to Barack Obama's novelty, the Republicans' own jarringly fresh front man for a party looking to redefine itself.

At long last, the aging boomer white male's brain may wrap around his head and explode into a Reagan-shaped mist. A red shirted mob referencing Che in support of an Indian (no, not those ones) in Louisiana? And he's the good guy? Religious conservative, too, but what religion? Seems here the only logical thing to do is start spreading the Jindal/Muslim meme. Hell, Barry Goldwater was half Jewish and most 60s Republicans thought he'd be taking orders from Moses or Mel Brooks. Appalachians might stone Jindal.

Mitt Romney's looking better every day, for both parties. Free hairspray for everyone; it's on big government's tab.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Obama Clinches! Hot Flash Sufferers Around the Country Saddened, Achy

Delicious Black Man and soon to be Republican Swift Boating Victim Barack H Obama has achieved the requisite # of delegates necessary to make thousands of old ladies and people who didn't go to college so very, very sad. The AP reports.

Celtics are Ready For the Summer!

Monday, June 2, 2008

UPDATE: Ted Kennedy's Brain Tumor Escapes Skull Prison!

Oh, not really. It was removed by doctors, sent to Exeter, and will soon be ready to run for Senate, where it will outperform Patrick Kennedy and provide free health care for all! Hooray.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Boston News Net Producer Ian Brownell Hit By Truck!

Well, almost. A car that was hit by the truck hit him. He's okay, otherwise this post would be waaaay longer.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

CN8 Miffed by Nolan Calling O'Reilly a Douchebag, Essentially Reporting the News.

As smart as he is handsome, Mensa member and well groomed gadfly Barry Nolan just got fired from CN8 for hating him some Bill O'Reilly - and not only hating like a true player would hate, but hating like he invented the game. Which means he's either another self-loathing Irish, or he's got a legitimate gripe.

Just what did he do? He handed out "O’Reilly’s own words and quotes from his sexual harassment lawsuit." Read Barry's full account of what it's like to carry those big balls of his around.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dorchester, Killing High Housing Costs has set up a Google Map that pin-points all the homicides that have taken place in Boston thus far in 2008. The pins are appropriately blood-red, and though I am not certain about this, I'm fairly sure that the viewer has the ability to zoom all the way into these points and see the grizzly murder scene and the corpse at street level.

Below the interactive map, the viewer will see the complete list of homicides, and the discerning individual will notice that the city of Dorchester accounts for over half of the homicides to date with 12, notable since the next city with the highest tally is Roxbury, with a paltry 3. Some of you may view this in abject horror. But residents of Dorchester take a different stance on the alarming statistics plaguing their fine city: it's all good in the hood.

First, a bit of context. Dorchester, historically, is a city of firsts. The very first public elementary school in America, the Mather School, was established in Dorchester in 1639 and still stands today as a testament to their stalwart dedication to education. Of course, I probably need not delve into the quality of the public education system we have in Massachusetts, so this tidbit clearly speaks for itself and for the residents of Dorchester. Furthermore, the Walter Baker Chocolate Factory, the first chocolate factory in America, was built in Dorchester in 1765. And maybe most impressive, the first community health center in America, the Columbia Point Health Center, was birthed in Dorchester in 1965.

So what does this all point to? Well, you have education, health care, and chocolate, which are obviously the 3 main features a family looks for when it plans to settle down in a chosen city. Those three things alone are enough to sway people to do just about anything, and the 3 things that ultimately make the world go round. It is then no wonder that Dorchester is the hot-spot in Boston to buy a home and so attractive to the populace. This means that housing, especially in a down market, will be going like hot-cakes in D-town, and coupled with the weak dollar, makes for nearly untenable cost-of-living situations that the residents can't stand for, even while having their tempers tempered with delicious, delicious chocolate.

And so, what does an educated town do? You guessed it: homicide. Much like in the short story "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson, a select few are chosen to sacrifice themselves (perhaps unwittingly) to combat the tide of rising housing costs. A homicide here and there sprinkled throughout the year will tend to keep undiscerning families away, keep costs down, and generally provide a sense of security for the residents of Dorchester knowing that they won't have to live in fear of their lives being taken over by an influx of bad economy and new faces. Rather, they merely have to live with the relatively mild fear of being killed as an example of the city's core values. Also, don't forget the excellent health care. The map doesn't show the vast number of citizen-examples there were close to death.

Yes, Dorchester is a city of firsts. It only makes sense that they would look to their saving grace as being murder in the first degree.


Monday, May 19, 2008

Regarding Senator Kennedy

As you have probably heard by now, Senator Ted Kennedy was taken to Massachusetts General Hospital the other day after experiencing seizures. Initial reports described "stroke-like symptoms" though that appears to not have been the case. Nonetheless, it does raise the interesting intellectual question of what happens when the senior Senator does shed the mortal coil. He is, after all, four years older than John McCain-- and judging from recent media discussion, McCain's birth only barely post-dates the Paleozoic Era which means that Ted Kennedy is approximately four years older than the first appearance of vertebrates. 

We should add that we have nothing against Ted Kennedy and wish him only the best; nonetheless, the orderly procession of the affairs of state are our paramount concern. To that end, here is a timeline of what would happen should Senator Kennedy die. For our purposes, let's say that the Senator passes at 4:50pm on a Thursday.

4:50pm: Senator Edward M. Kennedy dies. Family mourns; collectively shudders in fear as they realize that means the most powerful member of the Kennedy family is now California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.  

4:51pm (1:51pm Pacific): Having realized same, Gov. Schwarzengger lights up a cigar & toasts the late Senator. And laughs like Vincent Price at the end of "Thriller". 

5:00pm: Massachusetts General Hospital holds a press conference. 

5:00pm: Somewhere, Howie Carr dances. 

5:15pm: President George Bush is informed.

5:16pm:  Howie Carr pulls out a column he has written and rewritten 400 times since 1978, throws in another reference to Chappaquiddick, and sends it to his editors at the Herald.

5:20pm: Senator John Kerry is informed.

5:30pm: President George Bush finally remembers what a Senator is. 

5:32pm: President George Bush has already forgotten what a Senator is. 

5:47pm: Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick releases statement praising Kennedy's contribution to public service; in response to a question, reminds press that under Massachusetts law, he is responsible for naming somebody to fill Kennedy's seat for the remainder of the Senator's term of office. 

5:48pm-8pm: Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick tells all callers that no, really, it's too early for them to be offering themselves up for Kennedy's Senate seat.  

5:49pm: Reminds Senator John Kerry that the call was not necessary as he's already a United States Senator. 

8:00pm: President George Bush remembers who Senator Ted Kennedy is but can't recall why this is important right now.

8:03pm: Howie Carr suddenly realizes that if the Feds catch Whitey Bulger, he has no more material. Howie weeps. 

Monday, 9:00am: Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick has narrowed his list of potential Senators to three people with a long history of service to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts:  This Old House carpenter Norm Abram, former television anchor Liz Walker, and 70's childrens' television personality Willie Whistle.

Two weeks later: Senator Willie Whistle is sworn into office. 

Friday, May 16, 2008

Summing up today's political news...

You shouldn't vote for Obama because he wants to let Hamas annex the Sudetenland. I think that's the gist of it. 

Billy Bob Neck - The Fruits of Homo Appeasement


Knock Knock
Who there?
Satan who?
Satan, your evil lord and master, come to destroy American values by allowing virus of homo marriage to spread to California

My pastor told that one to me yesterday and I said, “well, that ain’t too funny,” and he said “no, it ain’t”. This is the kinda thing you get from appeasement. Instead of sending the National Guard into Massachusetts to enforce the rule of God’s Law, we sat by saying that it was just one state. Well, now it’s two states and it’s probably only a matter of weeks before the pink, jackbooted thugs of the homo agenda come breaking down your door to force you to get a divorce and marry a man just like the dumbo-crats planned all along.

Briefly Patriotic - The Fruits of Homo Appeasement

Billy Bob Neck - Homobama Loves Nazis


President Bush is right. Barack Osama Homo bin Laden loves Nazis and any group that wants to destroy America. In his Happy Birthday speech in front of the Jews, President Bush showed just what a moron Homo bin Laden is. The left-handed negro would rather sell America out for thirty pieces of pita bread than displease his Muslim masters. The United States ain’t gonna negotiate with terrorists and thugs. We never done it before and we ain’t gonna start now. President Bush has always stood on the side of doing good things and protecting them that needs it. That’s the whole reason that we’re in Iraq to begin with – to stop the hurting. And if the Iranians is hurting under the iron, Jew-hating first of Akmadinejerk then we’re gonna help them out, too.

Briefly Patriotic - Homobama Loves Nazis

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Oh Yeah, And It Rained in Bryn Mar or Something.

Youngsters wile away the days ina tropical paradise while America courageously tries to figure out what to a call a country it doesn't really want to send aid to. Tree houses are fun!

Yes We Can! Says Some of North Carolina.

Followed by "y'all aint s'posed to drink out that fountain" by the rest.

Obama takes North Carolina, CNN projects.

Yokel-Off 2008: Which Stereo-Typical Group of Hillbillys Will Win?

In another dramatic, potentially pointless "winner-take-all-or-probably-nothing" set of Democratic primaries, America will see just how poorly informed their countrymen are when it comes to the 2nd Amendment, simple economics, and the ability to distinguish colors from numbers.

Indiana on one side, North Carolina on t'other. In the middle? A brandy new huge effing sub-prime related mess. I hope you like shit sandwich, because that's all that's on the menu for ever and ever. And please, don't ask about the soup.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Breaking news: Status quo preserved at the VA!

If you haven't heard, the Boston Globe is reporting that the US Department of Veterans Affairs has dropped plans to consolidate the four medical centers in the Greater Boston area into one medical center. This is great news, because four poorly located and difficult to get to facilities are certainly better than one-- I mean, really: Bedford, Brockton, West Roxbury and Jamaica Plain. Those are the locations? Have you ever tried to get to any of those places during daylight hours? The only possible way they could have made it more difficult to get to a VA Hospital would be to have centralized operations on Georges Island and set the ferry boats on fire. And Fort Warren is certainly a lot more charming than the West Roxbury facility, a place with all the architectural distinction of a Soviet department store. 

Celtics Put Their Hands all Over Atlanta's Balls

The Boston Celtics continued their march towards glory when they defeated the Atlanta Hawks yesterday, 99-64. Well known stabbing-victim Paul Pierce scored 22 points in a rout over a Southern team that most Bostonians haven't enjoyed so much since Richmond was burned.

Giant, Ugly Dog Shot

The Kentucky Derby claims another life, and this time it's not a fat handicapper with a shot liver and four failed marriages. Eight Belles, only the 4th filly to run the famed "Run for the Roses", broke down during the race and was later euthanized.

For those who enjoy metaphors, Eight Belles was Senator Hillary Clinton's pick to take the race. Quaff a refreshing julep and ponder the possibility of the great political glue factor that is the appointment to the NY governorship awaiting Sen Clinton.

ImprovBoston Successful With Gloriously Resurrected Slave Trade

And by "slave", I mean "date". 18 gents and ladies were put on the block and sold to strangers or strategically placed friends. The theater raised $7500, which will presumably go into buying more mime telephones and an invisible steering wheel.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Life in Boston Just Got Less Fun. Again.

Do you like machetes? Like, like like? Well nuts to you pal, because, according to Roxbury City Councilor Chuck Turner:

There’s no legitimate reason for carrying a machete on the street... We’re not in a situation where people are cutting cane in fields and using it for the kinds of the labor that it’s used for in other parts of the world.”

By the way, oil hit an all time high of a billion dollars a barrel today (75 euros), so don't turn your back on the fields just yet. Because you're going to be working in them! Unless you're one of the 1% of the population that controls 21% of the country's wealth. To you I will soon say "Please stop flogging me so much."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Clinton Celebrates Resiliance, Subtle Hatred of Blacks in PA

Hillary Clinton seen here with daughter Chelsea, who will be nailed to a cross and sent to Indiana in the Clinton campaign's newest gambit to attract evangelical voters and idiots.