A promising Harvard Law School standout told cops during a bizarre drunken
tirade that he would “lie and cheat” to ruin them if - as a future attorney - he
ever calls them to a witness stand, police said.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I don't think you can see any people in the street in great details," said [Cambridge Fire Chief Gerald] Reardon. "If we were being graded on surveillance [with these cameras], we would get an 'F.'"
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
USA to CitiBank: Let Us Help You Save the Economy By Giving You Billions We Don't Really Have! CitiBank to USA: Hahahaha
CNN reports that 71,400 people lost their jobs yesterday and that 200,000 job cuts have been announced so far this year.
Monday, January 26, 2009 will forever be known as "Prison Butt-Rape Monday"
Monday, January 26, 2009
The Quincy Police are persecuting a sadly dwindling portion of our population, people willing to give the hook up. Remember growing up. It was always pretty easy to get hooked up with something, whether it be some underage booze, Pearl Jam tickets, or off the record forgiveness for illegal, but yet adorably reckless, juvenile behavior.
Sadly, the days of the hook up are over, not even Sal DiMasi can hook it up anymore.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
In a three page self-congratulatory letter to colleagues who will probably not read it because, really, why should they bother listening to DiMasi tell them how great he is if they don't actually have to any longer, DiMasi mentions that he is "...excited...to move on to other challenges and new opportunities" which is a better euphemism than "...anticipating a move to Walpole."
In a related story, Howie Carr's next column just wrote itself.
The headline on CNN.com reads "Hoosier Takes Home Miss America Crown". First thing I thought after I told everyone within 30ft of me the good news (my cat Rocky), is that I had no idea what a Hoosier was. I thought maybe it was Native American tribe. That would be worth mentioning. Or the Hoosier's are a religious sect of people that bathe in wine and eat dirt cakes as a sign of their faith to god on Mondays and select Tuesdays during the summer solstice. That would be worth mentioning. But no. A Hoosier is someone from Indiana. To be fair, I don't think I was too far off with the whole dirt cake thing....
I was disappointed. Miss America pageants tend to do that to young, impressionable girls. But I must give the pageant credit where credit is due: I did learn a new word.
And that's really what Miss America is about. It's not about reaching an impossible expectation of beauty and poisoning the minds of all those watching. It's about learning. What are a few lessons we've learned from beauty pageants over the years?
From Miss 2003, we learned that it really isn't what you say or how you say it, it's your enthusiasm that gets them going! Not only did she win $50,000 but she also won the Home Alone box Set!
Child beauty pageants get a lot of guff. But I saw phooey! They are stepping stones in learning valuable lessons like teamwork, poise, and that you'll never be skinny enough.
The swimsuit competition is a treasure trove of life lessons. From this winner, I've learned that food shouldn't be in your body but ON your body. Man, that swimsuit looks delicious! It looks so good, she could eat it (or wishes she could).
I would look up more photos and lessons for your viewing pleasure, but I'm at work and I already feel weird googling swimsuit clad Miss Americas. As if I'm not confused about my sexuality enough! HA! There is no confusion. My sexuality is zero.
So what are some of the lessons you've learned from Miss America? Was it that most people still don't know where Iraq is? Is it that the more your dress sparkles, the more it distracts you from finding love within? Perhaps you've learned the old lesson of "it's not what's on the outside that counts"...and that lesson is a load of bullshit.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
P.S. Good news! Fever has gone down to 39 degrees! The SARS is subsuming.
Varney should have stuck to the time-honored, less successful (but also less prosecuted) swap of "dinner and pretending to care about your day for sex".
The Patriot Ledger [Marshfield coach pleads innocent in "sex for drugs" sting]
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I arrived at the mall at the crack of dawn to witness a highly disappointing turnout. Only around 2 million arrived, slightly lower than a Wednesday at Pondi Bazaar. We stood in the sub-frigid temperature for over 5 hours to hear Barack Obama order us that we need to do more work. Also, it was interesting to hear 2 million people boo President Bush and Vice President Cheney. I haven't heard anyone receive such a poor reception since Ricky Ponting during the 3rd Test against India early last year in Delhi. I enjoyed overhearing the conversations amongst Congresspersons, where I am certain that Senator John McCain asked another person, "Have you ever heard of fight club?" This was independently verified by three people around me in the audience, as well as my cameraman Walt. I have yet to confirm if this Upper House Fight Club had anything to do with the seizures occuring today in Sen. Kennedy and Sen. Byrd. I will try to get tickets to the Inauguration Ball, and upon approval of my parents, a date!
Apparently, a #7 is beef, broccoli, and drugs. Quincy Police busted Chun Yeung Tang on Friday with 51 pills believed to be ecstacy.
Oh, those Chinese, even their deliverymen are more industrious.
[Patriot Ledger: Deliveryman for Chinese restaurant faces drug charges ]
Monday, January 19, 2009
Today is my first full day in Washington DC. Today was the National Day of Service as decreed by his majesty Barack Obama. I have dutifully served my masters at Boston News Net and begin acquiring insightful interviews. I met one man who lost his investment banking job, and several beautiful young women. One group actually was staying with my former roommate from IIT (Kumar from White Castle). I did not witness much other service outside of the police who were quite jovial. I asked one if I may film the Supreme Court, and he told me "Move Along, Sir". Such a gentleman! We had lunch at a place called Nando's which had a delicious cheese and mushroom wrap. I highly recommend it! And for dinner, we went to a Subway and had their Vegetarian Sandwich. Delicious! Don't worry, JR, I've saved the receipts.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
will be more of a depository of Bush's presidential
documents and memorabilia. But like in the picture,
most of said documents will be crayon illustrations.
Every president gets one. Since John Adams, at least. I heard that Bush wanted two, one for each term, but eventually ended up settling for one library, and one
Snuggie. What, you didn't get one for Christmas either? It's a blanket with arm-holes! It is so genius.
For the one library that will eventually exist, here are some predictions about what it will feature:
-Penalty for being too loud: waterboarding.
-Tour group meeting point for children left behind
-Display: Bush's flag pin collection
-A GM showroom (fine print in auto industry bailout bill)
-Display: Cheney's human heart collection
-Outdoor fountain illustrating trickle-down economic policy
-Accompanying wishing well, illustrating same policy for low-income visitors
-Gift shop item: George Bush Brand (c) Pretzels (more holes and less pretzel to reduce choking hazard)
-Bush Adult Literacy Center for those who cannot read, have great senses of irony
-A dog park. Yeah, there's that recession business, but everybody likes dogs.
By the way, construction costs for the library are currently estimated at $200 million - $500 million. If we apply the current model of Bush Administration budget planning, that means it will actually end up costing roughly $1 trillion, 300 billion Chinese yuan, and there might be a Draft or something.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
If you are unfamiliar with whom I am, I am Raj Sivaraman. I am the Boston News Net South Asian Head Correspondent. I told previous readers yesterday that I was on a bus going to New York. I spent one night at Grand Central Station (point of order – it is NOT a hotel, JR). I went to the Bolt Bus stop next to Sbarro, but apparently it was the wrong stop (or the wrong Sbarro, I am not sure). So, they said that they will put me on tomorrow’s bus to Washington, DC. So, I have to spend one more night in this wretched city that so desperately wishes to be Mumbai, yet never will be. However, I do like this restaurant called Copper Chimney in “Little India” on 126 E 28th Street. FIRST CLASS! With their delicious appetizers under $10, and entrees under $20, it’s the one place in New York that you get REAL quality for your money! You can call for reservations at (212) 213-5742. I think I may go back to stay at the Grand Central Station anyway. Those wooden pews were quite comfortable.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Most people, including JR, thought the idea was crazy. That birds were our enemy and that we needed to defend ourselves against them. But who’s laughing now? If you walk outside you’ll hear who, the honking goose, the quacking duck, the cawing seagull. Yup, all of bird-dom is celebrating this victory. And this will only be the first. If you’re smart, you’ll listen to me this time. This is why we need guns. Or at least more cats.
My name is Raj Sivaraman. I am the Chief South Asian Political Correspondent for Boston News Net. JR has asked me to blog about my trip down to Washington DC for the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Currently I am on a Bolt Bus heading to New York, where I will spend the night at a lovely hotel called Grand Central Station. Then the next day, I will take the bus down to Washington, where I will go report. Expect more highlights of my trip to come. Hope everyone is enjoying their Pongal celebrations. I'm not. I'm on a bus.
मेरा नाम राज शिवरामन है. मैं बोस्टन समाचार नेट के लिए चीफ दक्षिण एशियाई राजनीतिक संवाददाता हूँ. जे आर राष्ट्रपति ओबामा के उद्घाटन के लिए वाशिंगटन डीसी के लिए मेरी यात्रा नीचे के बारे में ब्लॉग के लिए मुझे कहा है. वर्तमान में मैं एक भागो बस न्यूयॉर्क, जहाँ मैं एक सुंदर होटल में ग्रांड सेंट्रल स्टेशन बुलाया रात बिताना होगा शीर्षक पर हूँ. फिर अगले दिन, मैं जहाँ मैं रिपोर्ट जाएंगे वाशिंगटन, की बस नीचे ले जाएगा. मेरी यात्रा का अधिक डाला अपेक्षा आने के लिए. आशा है कि हर कोई उनकी पोंगल समारोह का आनंद ले रहा है. मैं नहीं हूँ. मैं एक बस में हूँ.
Winter is here and about to bitch slap us in the face with staggering SINGLE DIGIT DEGREES! Wait, single digits? Only? Excuse me for tooting my own Minnesotant horn, but I'm from the streets of murderapolis and although I'm not saying it's quite summer weather, single digits is nothing to be locking yourself in your house for. When I was back home, it was -14 degrees. If I were a dude, I would have been choking on my own balls it was so cold. Not that I would know anything about choking on....anyway, my point is that, Boston, you need to take a chill pill and let me guide you through some sure fire ways to keep warm in the coming days. Let's talk fashion:
When the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, your dog is still going to need to take a shit. So dress them in this...thing. It seems to be a rain coat/winter gear/floatation device. It doesn't matter how they look really, you'll still be seen as a nutcase who dresses their animals in clothes and probably takes pictures to use on holiday cards.
Long Johns, skivvies, thermals, happy pants, I don't care what you call them, you're gonna need them. Layers is key to surviving the cold. You'll be instantly warm wearing these little secrets. And instantly attractive. Get in me!
The wonderful thing about winter is that you can dress in so many different layers and styles of clothing. It also lets people dress like fucking nightmarish creatures from the deep woods of hell.
The news is saying that you should keep the elderly and the young inside to shield them from the blistering cold. Mayor Menino also issued a statement about space heater safety. These are not to be joked about. The combination of old people and space heaters is as volatile as vinegar and baking soda. Heed my warnings.
I know it's going to be tough. Getting your starbucks in the morning will be even harder since your gas guzzling car won't start and your CK leather gloves are as effective as expired condoms (67% effective), but you can get through this cold. Before you know it, spring will come dancing up the mountain, fat and jolly, full of flowers and candy while the smell of frozen vegetation and dead animals defrosting will fill the air.
Use my tips, Boston, and understand that this nasty weather is temporary, just like life, money, and your hair.
Oh, and be happy you're not this guy.
Thanks Owen Beattie.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Verdict: Not cool.
Now a burning cross most likely reminds people of Mississippi Burning, a movie that taught us something about something, but I never really saw it so I don't really no what. The image is most associated with post slavery racism and regional terrorism by groups like the KKK. The burning cross evokes feelings of the "badges and incidents" of slavery. Thus it is a piece of Southern culture that should really get the ol' heave-ho.
Verdict: Not cool but necessary.
Although white people in both the North and South played the dominant role in the grueling oppression that was slavery, getting rid of them would be throwing out the baby with the bathwater. The whites are currently needed in American society as a bogeyman for all bad things and also a culture source of comparison for when something has become uncool.
Forcing someone to sit in the back of the bus is not cool, unless the person is cool, then it is all right because that is where the cool kids are supposed to sit.
These two water fountains are for short people and tall people. Height discrimination is still cool. It is also still cool to make fun of fatties.
Verdict: It depends.
If you are selling the whips for non-slave whipping purposes as part of a rich family history of selling high quality whips like this guy: Cool.
If you are yelling orders amidst a bunch of African-Americans: Not cool.
Friday, January 9, 2009
article: Boston Herald [WEEI caller turns anger on himself]
So, remember this Saturday, if everyone on the T with you is half naked, don't be alarmed. There has not been an uptick in mental illness or a further slide of society into the drain, unless, of course, you are on the Orange line. But if you are on the Orange line you already are aware that you are on a $2 train ride to hell.
Updated:Here are some links to video [via the Cambridge Chronicle] and photos [via The Bosotnist] of the event.
It would also force schools to come up with a method to identify which of their students are fat
so that, in the words of Public Health Commissioner, John Auerbach “we can help a parent understand concerns with obesity ... and help them to do something about it."
While Boston News Net agrees that the obese are unsightly, given the current economy, we would suggest the better plan would be to just wait.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Friends, celebrating the end of the beating with a poo-filled sock that was 2008 is sort of like buying someone a cake for an abortion. We all want to forget what happened, but we can't because fucking USAA calls five times a day demanding payment on their damned credit card device. But Boston News Net is excited to welcome in the New Year anyway, because there's nothing like an arbitrary celebration based on the sweetly inaccurate Julian calendar to wipe the slate clean! Right!? It worked out so well for the Romans! YES WE CAN! Unless we have a mortgage, a credit card, or have in some other way brought about the ire of the great Earth Rattler Poseidon. Hail Atlantis.