Thursday, January 29, 2009

Harvard Law student turns out to be a D-bag

Add this to the No Effing Way column with the recent revelation that WEEI Sports Fans can be crazy losers: a promising Harvard Law Student got drunk and ended up getting arrested after accosting the police.

A joke won't do this justice, I will just quote the Boston Herald article:

A promising Harvard Law School standout told cops during a bizarre drunken
tirade that he would “lie and cheat” to ruin them if - as a future attorney - he
ever calls them to a witness stand, police said.
So, as a member of Mass. Bar, I still would not mout off to police, let alone threaten them. Also this guy was apprently the next Obama. This should show everyone how hard it actually is to become Obama.

Big Brother soon to be watching hippies, commies, and hobos

The people of the Republic of Cambridge, the most freedom loving city in the country (unless you are a smoker or a republican), are in a tizzy over plans to install 8 city surveillance cameras. Residents are concerned that the cameras will be used to spy on citizens as opposed to as a tool for emergency responders.

Cambridge police and fire representatives responded to those fears by assuring everyone that the cameras suck.

I don't think you can see any people in the street in great details," said [Cambridge Fire Chief Gerald] Reardon. "If we were being graded on surveillance [with these cameras], we would get an 'F.'"

I for one hope that the cameras do not suck. I hope they have high resolution cameras and post them in Central and Inman Squares. I think the hobo-cam could replace the void in my life present ever since work blocked the puppy cam.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

USA to CitiBank: Let Us Help You Save the Economy By Giving You Billions We Don't Really Have! CitiBank to USA: Hahahaha

If Tim Geithner has to pay his taxes, then apparently CitiBank can't have a plane that only 12 dickhead executives are allowed to fly in.

ECON 911 - 2009 Living Up to Suckfest Expectations

Does anyone have a job left?

CNN reports that 71,400 people lost their jobs yesterday and that 200,000 job cuts have been announced so far this year.

Monday, January 26, 2009 will forever be known as "Prison Butt-Rape Monday"

Monday, January 26, 2009

Quincy Police Are a Buzzkill

The Patriot Ledger is reporting that the Quincy police are conducting an alcohol sting operation to determine if liquor stores are delivering alcohol to minors without carding them.

The Quincy Police are persecuting a sadly dwindling portion of our population, people willing to give the hook up. Remember growing up. It was always pretty easy to get hooked up with something, whether it be some underage booze, Pearl Jam tickets, or off the record forgiveness for illegal, but yet adorably reckless, juvenile behavior.

Sadly, the days of the hook up are over, not even Sal DiMasi can hook it up anymore.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

It's official- DiMasi is resigning

According to the Boston Globe, Massachusetts Speaker of the House Salvatore DiMasi confirmed today what many have suspected for the past several days- he is resigning from his House seat and his position as Speaker of the House effective 5pm this coming Tuesday, January 27.

In a three page self-congratulatory letter to colleagues who will probably not read it because, really, why should they bother listening to DiMasi tell them how great he is if they don't actually have to any longer, DiMasi mentions that he is " move on to other challenges and new opportunities" which is a better euphemism than "...anticipating a move to Walpole."

In a related story, Howie Carr's next column just wrote itself.

Miss America Crowned, Self Esteem at an All Time Low!

On Saturday night, while America was out partying, drinking, and in my case sitting in their bedroom alone watching Love Actually (Hugh Grant, what a prostitute soliciting babe), a NEW MISS AMERICA was crowned!

The headline on reads "Hoosier Takes Home Miss America Crown". First thing I thought after I told everyone within 30ft of me the good news (my cat Rocky), is that I had no idea what a Hoosier was. I thought maybe it was Native American tribe. That would be worth mentioning. Or the Hoosier's are a religious sect of people that bathe in wine and eat dirt cakes as a sign of their faith to god on Mondays and select Tuesdays during the summer solstice. That would be worth mentioning. But no. A Hoosier is someone from Indiana. To be fair, I don't think I was too far off with the whole dirt cake thing....

I was disappointed. Miss America pageants tend to do that to young, impressionable girls. But I must give the pageant credit where credit is due: I did learn a new word.

And that's really what Miss America is about. It's not about reaching an impossible expectation of beauty and poisoning the minds of all those watching. It's about learning. What are a few lessons we've learned from beauty pageants over the years?

From Miss 2003, we learned that it really isn't what you say or how you say it, it's your enthusiasm that gets them going! Not only did she win $50,000 but she also won the Home Alone box Set!

Child beauty pageants get a lot of guff. But I saw phooey! They are stepping stones in learning valuable lessons like teamwork, poise, and that you'll never be skinny enough.

The swimsuit competition is a treasure trove of life lessons. From this winner, I've learned that food shouldn't be in your body but ON your body. Man, that swimsuit looks delicious! It looks so good, she could eat it (or wishes she could).

I would look up more photos and lessons for your viewing pleasure, but I'm at work and I already feel weird googling swimsuit clad Miss Americas. As if I'm not confused about my sexuality enough! HA! There is no confusion. My sexuality is zero.

So what are some of the lessons you've learned from Miss America? Was it that most people still don't know where Iraq is? Is it that the more your dress sparkles, the more it distracts you from finding love within? Perhaps you've learned the old lesson of "it's not what's on the outside that counts"...and that lesson is a load of bullshit.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Gossip Report: Christian Bale's secret life

Right now everyone and their drunk aunt is going on about the Dark Knight getting the shaft by Oscar. The real scoop though is that Christian Bale has been secretly living a double life for over twenty years. Photographic evidence here.


Raj Leaves DC

Well, I am finally going back. Just in time for Barack Obama to open up Guantanemo Bay and end the CIA secret prisons. My timing could not be better. I hope you enjoyed my updates on my trip to DC, and if you would like to see a video version of this trip, check out this Saturday's Boston News Net!


P.S. Good news! Fever has gone down to 39 degrees! The SARS is subsuming.

ECON 911 - 2009 Officially to Suck Big Time

The Boston Business Journal is reporting on a new study which predicts that Boston will have the fifth biggest job losses in the country. The study estimates that the Hub will lose 58,500 jobs, which would be a 2.4 percent reduction and would raise the unemployment.
We at BNN plan to be ahead of the curve and will soon form a pitchfork and torch company to arm the angry unemployed mobs that will be meting out justice in the streets of Boston later this year.

Marshfield Man Discovers That the Police Also Have the Internet

William T. Varney, Jr, a 42 year old baseball coach allegedly came to know the one flaw in his brilliant plan to post "sex for pot" ads on the Internet, the fact that the police have the Internet as well.

Varney should have stuck to the time-honored, less successful (but also less prosecuted) swap of "dinner and pretending to care about your day for sex".

The Patriot Ledger [Marshfield coach pleads innocent in "sex for drugs" sting]

Obama Ain't President

Since when did wingnuts start caring about things like "procedure" and "legality"? And when did they start using The Princess Bride as a basis for a system of government?

Most importantly - when will they go away?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Raj in DC, Day 3

Today is my last day in DC. I realized that I spent the last two days with a dead mike. I told Walt to listen to the audio, but he refused. Fortunately we were able to film more. Interestingly, most people have left DC, so it feels as empty as the Western Ghats. More intriguingly, I think sleeping on the mall has started taking its toll on me, as I am getting sick. Fortunately, it is only a mild fever of 41˚ C. I am vomiting somewhat, but I am living in a port-a-potty, which makes it quite convenient. I discovered today that Obama had a heated platform to watch yesterday’s parade, which in hindsight would have been a more convenient place to sleep. Nevertheless, I persevere. Looking forward to returning to Boston…

Love, Raj.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Raj Inaugurates

I arrived at the mall at the crack of dawn to witness a highly disappointing turnout. Only around 2 million arrived, slightly lower than a Wednesday at Pondi Bazaar. We stood in the sub-frigid temperature for over 5 hours to hear Barack Obama order us that we need to do more work. Also, it was interesting to hear 2 million people boo President Bush and Vice President Cheney. I haven't heard anyone receive such a poor reception since Ricky Ponting during the 3rd Test against India early last year in Delhi. I enjoyed overhearing the conversations amongst Congresspersons, where I am certain that Senator John McCain asked another person, "Have you ever heard of fight club?" This was independently verified by three people around me in the audience, as well as my cameraman Walt. I have yet to confirm if this Upper House Fight Club had anything to do with the seizures occuring today in Sen. Kennedy and Sen. Byrd. I will try to get tickets to the Inauguration Ball, and upon approval of my parents, a date!

Love, Raj

Cheyney Enfeebled by Lack of (Official) Torturing Power

Here's the old man himself, shortly before the inaguration, playing possum before he gets shipped to The Hague. Or, to quote those wiser on such cubjects: Don't believe it: Let me tell you something else. I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a fake. A fucking goldbricker. Indeed.
The MSM would have you believe he hurt his back while moving things, but everyone knows Cheyney had Bush do all the dirty work! Ho ho, ha ha! Seriously, he was probably shredding his waterboarding snuff porn collection.

Obama blah blah

There's really nothing we can say about the inauguration that hasn't already been said. BNN is just happy that it's over and no one got shot. Now we're going to join the Conservation Corps or the Hobo Lumberjack Squad or whatever it is we're supposed to do now that H has committed us to life of bartering and volunteering to not do whatever it was that we did to make the economy so mad at us.

Driver delivers General Tso Chicken and X

Apparently, a #7 is beef, broccoli, and drugs. Quincy Police busted Chun Yeung Tang on Friday with 51 pills believed to be ecstacy.

Oh, those Chinese, even their deliverymen are more industrious.

[Patriot Ledger: Deliveryman for Chinese restaurant faces drug charges ]

Finnernan Should Have Shot a Drug Dealer Instead

The Boston Herald reports that Tom Finnernan failed in his attempt to receive a pardon from George Bush. Instead of pardoning the former House Speaker, the departing president opted to pardon two border guards who shot a Mexican drug dealer.
Remarkably, Finnernan thought it was a good idea to enlist the aid of four former Massachusetts governors in his quest to win a pardon: William Weld, Paul Cellucci and Jane Swift, and Michael Dukakis. You got that right, Finnernan tried to win something by getting the help of four of the biggest losers ever. Way to go, Tommy!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Raj Goes to DC

Today is my first full day in Washington DC. Today was the National Day of Service as decreed by his majesty Barack Obama. I have dutifully served my masters at Boston News Net and begin acquiring insightful interviews. I met one man who lost his investment banking job, and several beautiful young women. One group actually was staying with my former roommate from IIT (Kumar from White Castle). I did not witness much other service outside of the police who were quite jovial. I asked one if I may film the Supreme Court, and he told me "Move Along, Sir". Such a gentleman! We had lunch at a place called Nando's which had a delicious cheese and mushroom wrap. I highly recommend it! And for dinner, we went to a Subway and had their Vegetarian Sandwich. Delicious! Don't worry, JR, I've saved the receipts.

Raj Sivaraman

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Raj Goes to DC (Day 3)

SNOW! New York City is covered with a blanket of this filthy grey fluff. I am told that it is supposed to be white, but in Boston and New York, it is always grey. Perhaps I am colourblind (much like the Americans who voted for Obama)? Nevertheless, I made it to the correct Sbarro, and jumped onto the bus (not literally, for if I did, I would likely fall as my shoes were so slippery). The bus ride was quite pleasant, despite the fact that I stopped several times due to the bathroom locking itself. We had lunch at a Burger King, which had a Veggie Burger which was quite delicious, proving that nobody makes food quite like royalty. I arrived into DC late in the afternoon after missing a very big concert and Barack Obama’s speech. Apparently he will be giving 124 speeches over the week. He likes to talk more than JR likes to lick himself. More importantly, I missed Josh Groban! He sings comparable to Abu Malik, but more pleasant and less Muslim. Looking forward to spending Martin Luther King Day in DC!

It's been eight years. Count 'em, eight. I know I've been counting them - backwards, actually, and by the slow, wretched second. And now the George W. Bush presidency is in its last moments, which means there's only one thing left to do: cruelly remind the world that it ever happened. That's right, it's time to build W.'s presidential library.

Unlike the one in this photo, the Presidential Library
will be more of a depository of Bush's presidential
documents and memorabilia. But like in the picture,
most of said documents will be crayon illustrations.

Every president gets one. Since John Adams, at least. I heard that Bush wanted two, one for each term, but eventually ended up settling for one library, and one
Snuggie. What, you didn't get one for Christmas either? It's a blanket with arm-holes! It is so genius.
For the one library that will eventually exist, here are some predictions about what it will feature:

-Penalty for being too loud: waterboarding.
-Tour group meeting point for children left behind
-Display: Bush's flag pin collection
-A GM showroom (fine print in auto industry bailout bill)
-Display: Cheney's human heart collection
-Outdoor fountain illustrating trickle-down economic policy
-Accompanying wishing well, illustrating same policy for low-income visitors
-Gift shop item: George Bush Brand (c) Pretzels (more holes and less pretzel to reduce choking hazard)
-Bush Adult Literacy Center for those who cannot read, have great senses of irony
-A dog park. Yeah, there's that recession business, but everybody likes dogs.

By the way, construction costs for the library are currently estimated at $200 million - $500 million. If we apply the current model of Bush Administration budget planning, that means it will actually end up costing roughly $1 trillion, 300 billion Chinese yuan, and there might be a Draft or something.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Raj Goes to DC Day 2

Day 2

If you are unfamiliar with whom I am, I am Raj Sivaraman. I am the Boston News Net South Asian Head Correspondent. I told previous readers yesterday that I was on a bus going to New York. I spent one night at Grand Central Station (point of order – it is NOT a hotel, JR). I went to the Bolt Bus stop next to Sbarro, but apparently it was the wrong stop (or the wrong Sbarro, I am not sure). So, they said that they will put me on tomorrow’s bus to Washington, DC. So, I have to spend one more night in this wretched city that so desperately wishes to be Mumbai, yet never will be. However, I do like this restaurant called Copper Chimney in “Little India” on 126 E 28th Street. FIRST CLASS! With their delicious appetizers under $10, and entrees under $20, it’s the one place in New York that you get REAL quality for your money! You can call for reservations at (212) 213-5742. I think I may go back to stay at the Grand Central Station anyway. Those wooden pews were quite comfortable.

Love, Raj.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I told you I was right

So I’m sure all seen the news that the Hudson River had to be used as an emergency landing strip. The good news is that everyone seems to be ok. The even better news is that this proves I was right. You see most news outlets are reporting that this was as accident. But it wasn’t. It was a deliberate attack on our sovereignty by a highly organized group. A group that I warned us all about in a Week In Fucked back in April. If you can’t remember here’s the clip.

Most people, including JR, thought the idea was crazy. That birds were our enemy and that we needed to defend ourselves against them. But who’s laughing now? If you walk outside you’ll hear who, the honking goose, the quacking duck, the cawing seagull. Yup, all of bird-dom is celebrating this victory. And this will only be the first. If you’re smart, you’ll listen to me this time. This is why we need guns. Or at least more cats.


Raj Goes to DC

This is a repeat of my previous post, as JR has informed me that most of the readers can't read Hindi. I say, what is the point writing a blog for illiterates? Anyway, here is what I said in English.

My name is Raj Sivaraman. I am the Chief South Asian Political Correspondent for Boston News Net. JR has asked me to blog about my trip down to Washington DC for the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Currently I am on a Bolt Bus heading to New York, where I will spend the night at a lovely hotel called Grand Central Station. Then the next day, I will take the bus down to Washington, where I will go report. Expect more highlights of my trip to come. Hope everyone is enjoying their Pongal celebrations. I'm not. I'm on a bus.
Love, Raj.

BNN Headline News - Cold Weather Increases Cursing on American Sidewalks

Raj Goes to DC


मेरा नाम राज शिवरामन है. मैं बोस्टन समाचार नेट के लिए चीफ दक्षिण एशियाई राजनीतिक संवाददाता हूँ. जे आर राष्ट्रपति ओबामा के उद्घाटन के लिए वाशिंगटन डीसी के लिए मेरी यात्रा नीचे के बारे में ब्लॉग के लिए मुझे कहा है. वर्तमान में मैं एक भागो बस न्यूयॉर्क, जहाँ मैं एक सुंदर होटल में ग्रांड सेंट्रल स्टेशन बुलाया रात बिताना होगा शीर्षक पर हूँ. फिर अगले दिन, मैं जहाँ मैं रिपोर्ट जाएंगे वाशिंगटन, की बस नीचे ले जाएगा. मेरी यात्रा का अधिक डाला अपेक्षा आने के लिए. आशा है कि हर कोई उनकी पोंगल समारोह का आनंद ले रहा है. मैं नहीं हूँ. मैं एक बस में हूँ.
प्यार, राज.

Tips for Surviving the Cold

Boston, prepare your massholes for the coldest, most frigid weekend you've experienced since 2004 (not counting that one night stand with your ex-girlfriend).

Winter is here and about to bitch slap us in the face with staggering SINGLE DIGIT DEGREES! Wait, single digits? Only? Excuse me for tooting my own Minnesotant horn, but I'm from the streets of murderapolis and although I'm not saying it's quite summer weather, single digits is nothing to be locking yourself in your house for. When I was back home, it was -14 degrees. If I were a dude, I would have been choking on my own balls it was so cold. Not that I would know anything about choking on....anyway, my point is that, Boston, you need to take a chill pill and let me guide you through some sure fire ways to keep warm in the coming days. Let's talk fashion:

When the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, your dog is still going to need to take a shit. So dress them in this...thing. It seems to be a rain coat/winter gear/floatation device. It doesn't matter how they look really, you'll still be seen as a nutcase who dresses their animals in clothes and probably takes pictures to use on holiday cards.

Long Johns, skivvies, thermals, happy pants, I don't care what you call them, you're gonna need them. Layers is key to surviving the cold. You'll be instantly warm wearing these little secrets. And instantly attractive. Get in me!

The wonderful thing about winter is that you can dress in so many different layers and styles of clothing. It also lets people dress like fucking nightmarish creatures from the deep woods of hell.

The news is saying that you should keep the elderly and the young inside to shield them from the blistering cold. Mayor Menino also issued a statement about space heater safety. These are not to be joked about. The combination of old people and space heaters is as volatile as vinegar and baking soda. Heed my warnings.

I know it's going to be tough. Getting your starbucks in the morning will be even harder since your gas guzzling car won't start and your CK leather gloves are as effective as expired condoms (67% effective), but you can get through this cold. Before you know it, spring will come dancing up the mountain, fat and jolly, full of flowers and candy while the smell of frozen vegetation and dead animals defrosting will fill the air.
Use my tips, Boston, and understand that this nasty weather is temporary, just like life, money, and your hair.
Oh, and be happy you're not this guy.

Thanks Owen Beattie.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Heroic Pilot Valiantly Tries to Drown Plane Full of New Yorkers

Okay, so it was actually an emergency water landing and not one man's attempt to kill a few New Yorkers (who were likely responsible for all the bad things that happened on Wall Street; note the business casual being sported by people desperately clinging to the wing). But no one died, so we can make jokes about wanting to drawn yuppie business class air travelers, who are now probably sitting in their lofts in Tribeca contemplating life, death, and thier waterlogged Louis Vuitton luggage.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ugly Dresses or Racist Ugly Dresses?

In Alabama, a controversy has arisen over the participation of Mobile’s Azalea Trail Maids as the only representation for Alabama in the inaugural parade.

The Alabama NAACP President Edward Vaughn criticized the Trail Maids participation saying that the dresses reminded him of slavery. The implication of his remarks being that the mode of dress used with hoop skirts and colors usually found on cake icing dates back to the antebellum period of the south and invokes the ugly spectre of slavery.

We at BNN think the controversy poses an interesting question: what aspects of antebellum and southern culture no longer have a place in modern American culture. Here is a handy guide of cultural sensitivity.

The Confederate Flag

Verdict: Seriously not cool.

Although many claim that the flag stands for all of southern culture, there is no getting around the fact that it was the flag flown by a group of people who fought, in part, to protect the institution of slavery. The confederate flag should not be flown anywhere as it is a clear symbol of slavery and only racists or culturally insensitive buffoons would raise it proudly.
Seriously, South Carolina, you guys are jerks.

A Burning Cross

Verdict: Not cool.

Now a burning cross most likely reminds people of Mississippi Burning, a movie that taught us something about something, but I never really saw it so I don't really no what. The image is most associated with post slavery racism and regional terrorism by groups like the KKK. The burning cross evokes feelings of the "badges and incidents" of slavery. Thus it is a piece of Southern culture that should really get the ol' heave-ho.

White People
Verdict: Not cool but necessary.

Although white people in both the North and South played the dominant role in the grueling oppression that was slavery, getting rid of them would be throwing out the baby with the bathwater. The whites are currently needed in American society as a bogeyman for all bad things and also a culture source of comparison for when something has become uncool.

The Back of the Bus
Verdict: Cool.

Forcing someone to sit in the back of the bus is not cool, unless the person is cool, then it is all right because that is where the cool kids are supposed to sit.

Drinking fountains

: Cool.

These two water fountains are for short people and tall people. Height discrimination is still cool. It is also still cool to make fun of fatties.

A Man on a horse with a bullwhip

Verdict: It depends.

If you are selling the whips for non-slave whipping purposes as part of a rich family history of selling high quality whips like this guy: Cool.

If you are yelling orders amidst a bunch of African-Americans: Not cool.

Friday, January 9, 2009

No Effing Way: WEEI Listener is Crazy, Loser

Turns out that a listener of WEEI, Boston's #1 source for sports talk and intolerance, was, in the shock of the year, a crazy, unemployed person who became obsessed with sports and the radio personalities in order to mask the inadequacies of his personal life. Go figure.
When I listen to WEEI, especially Dennis and Callahan or the Big Show, I always hear very reasoned discussion. I would never hear, for example, radio personalities and callers lauding less talented white athletes as hard working or a "Boston type of guy" while running one of the greatest hitters in the history of baseball, who happened to also be Latino, out of Boston.
Who knew someone involved in such a discourse would be unstable enough to leave death threats for D&C? Not me.

article: Boston Herald [WEEI caller turns anger on himself]

Redline to be even more awkward this Saturday

Those of you who prefer fully clothed rides on public transportation, take note. The Boston Societies of Spontaneity will be partaking in the annual ritual known as "no pants day", or as T riders think of it, the annual "gee I wish these people were hotter" day, this Saturday, January 10, 2009.

So, remember this Saturday, if everyone on the T with you is half naked, don't be alarmed. There has not been an uptick in mental illness or a further slide of society into the drain, unless, of course, you are on the Orange line. But if you are on the Orange line you already are aware that you are on a $2 train ride to hell.

Updated:Here are some links to video [via the Cambridge Chronicle] and photos [via The Bosotnist] of the event.

Bay State set to launch anti-obesity campaign

With the state economy in a shambles, Massachusetts unveiled an ambitious new program to combat…obesity. The program, called Mass In Motion, would require, among other things, that restaurants post nutrition information for their meals.

It would also force schools to come up with a method to identify which of their students are fat

so that, in the words of Public Health Commissioner, John Auerbach “we can help a parent understand concerns with obesity ... and help them to do something about it."

While Boston News Net agrees that the obese are unsightly, given the current economy, we would suggest the better plan would be to just wait.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy 2009! OR "The Year After Flaming Death Impact"

Friends, celebrating the end of the beating with a poo-filled sock that was 2008 is sort of like buying someone a cake for an abortion. We all want to forget what happened, but we can't because fucking USAA calls five times a day demanding payment on their damned credit card device. But Boston News Net is excited to welcome in the New Year anyway, because there's nothing like an arbitrary celebration based on the sweetly inaccurate Julian calendar to wipe the slate clean! Right!? It worked out so well for the Romans! YES WE CAN! Unless we have a mortgage, a credit card, or have in some other way brought about the ire of the great Earth Rattler Poseidon. Hail Atlantis.