Thursday, July 30, 2009

Crowley/Gates

Our legal correspondent's non-funny, barely informed views on the Crowley/Gates affair.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Weddings

This week I have decided to review various types of weddings. If you are interested in getting married, or have some friends who are getting married, perhaps you can learn something from this survey. Enjoy! - Walt

1. Gay Weddings - Gay weddings are exactly as their name suggests - quite enjoyable. Unfortunately, very few states in the union allow gay weddings, primarily because frivolity is frowned upon in modern society. I have attended several gay weddings, and they were beautiful experiences. I suggest that if you live in states that tolerate gay weddings, you should attempt to have a gay wedding. Just be warned, the decorations will be fantastic, and often costly.


2. Hindu Weddings - Hindu weddings are to normal weddings as cricket is to baseball. These weddings are very flashy and exotic, but if you have witnessed enough of them, you will understand how interminable they are. Roughly five days in duration, Hindus put the wedding process at a premium, perhaps that is why most Hindus stay married. They have spent so much time trying to get married, that they decide to avoid having to go through the process once more. That is why I have only had one colonoscopy.


3. Dog Weddings - Dog weddings are like human weddings, but cheaper, and often end in heartbreak. Dogs are naturally unfaithful creatures, but by learning from them how to maintain a dog marriage, one can perfect one's own marriage. If you desire to attend a dog marriage, I would recommend golden retrievers. They are quite beautiful, and often give the best gifts to guests. Avoid pugs, as they are disgusting creatures.


4. Second Weddings - Many people enjoy the process of divorce and remarrying, but do not wish to surrender half of their income. This is why second weddings were created by Scott Johansson of Burbank, CA in 1961. This is ideal for married couples who forgot what their wedding day was like (usually because they lost daguerrotypes or could not afford a wedding daguerrotypographer).


5. Military Wedding - Sometimes confused for a shotgun wedding. However, traditional shotgun weddings normally do not involve instruments of torture often associated with the military. But I am told both involve much lubrication by alcohol. The armed forces always have festive occasions, and if you are marrying someone not in the armed forces, I suggest you offer them up for enlistment, as America is always looking for good men (and sometimes women), and you can then enjoy a superior wedding.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Tanning Methods

For some reason, I have received many requests on how to tan properly. I have listed the five most popular methods of tanning for your perusal. While I abhor the process of tanning in general, I do understand it is a necessary part of preservation. Enjoy! - Walt.


1. The Sun - Until my colleagues at CERN can complete their cold fusion generator, the sun maintains its monopoly on providing thermal energy to the Earth. Ideal places to absorb the preponderance of solar energy to activate epidermal melanin would be beaches, parks, deserts, and observatories. Beware of potential overexposure to radiation, as mutagenesis is not as ideal as one would think. Also, not recommended for victims of albinism.


2. Curing - One can easily tan by using various combinations of salts, acids, and lyes. It permanently alters the protein coat of the epidermis thereby preserving it for extended duration. It provides a lustrous sheen and pleasant smell not provided by other forms of tanning. Highly recommended (though not for humans).


3. Bronzing Cream - While not actually made of real bronze, it usually costs as much as the bronzing process would generally. I once had my son Oeddie's shoes bronzed, but he was still using them, so he was displeased. Bronzing cream retains the luster of bronzing without the petrification commonly associated with it. If one desires the statuesque look, it is highly recommended. However if one desires a more realistic look, I would avoid this, lest you desire to impersonate a tangelo. Avoid, unless essential.


4. UV Lamps - Since the discovery of UV radiation by Johann Ritter in 1801, mankind has had a long desire to replicate the sun. Since the development of the "tanning bed" by Richard Dotson in 1950, the sun has become all but obsolete in the realm of tanning. Now, individuals may tan year round without waiting for the fickle star to show its face. Highly recommended.


5. Spanking - My preferred method of tanning, not because of the autoeroticism, but primarily because it provides a longer lasting tan (if done properly). I once spanked my daughter Sappho for wanting to go to the beach. I gave her such a tan, that she didn't even need to go to the beach anymore. Which was fortuitous, as I am light sensitive, and cannot afford to spend too much time in the sun. Recommended.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Hampshire is Totally Gay

Welcome to the Communist -Not-Real-America Club, New Hampshire.





North End Residents Shocked by Dimasi Indictment

I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!


Unlike Captain Renault in Casablanca, the Boston Globe reports that the residents of the North End are shocked and dismayed after they learned of the federal indictment against former Massachusetts Speaker of the House Sal DiMasi.

We at BNN have conducted an investigation and have discovered other revelations that have shocked the North End residents.

Professional wrestling is staged.



Residents were saddened and disheartened to learn that the Ultimate Warrior is neither ultimate nor a warrior, unless you coount his new career as a crazy fringe activist. They also lamented at the fact that the only death involved in a Death Match occurs 15 years later as a result of steroids and hard living. Shocked.





Liberace was gay

Many North End residents were big fans of the flamboyant pianist and always imagined that he would settle down and meet the right girl. Residents interviewed often made statements to the effect of "I just thought he was using the flamboyant costumes to meet girls."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Seasons

Summer - forget what Christians say, summer is the season to be jolly! There's free heat, plenty of exposed epiderma, and if you have a job - vacations (If you don't have a job, this season is immaterial, as all year is your vacation)! I have always thought that Christmas was scheduled for the winter only because songwriters only wrote in the winter (for they were having far too much fun outdoors in the summer)!



Old Bay - this wonderful blend of seasons can be added to seafood, poultry, and salads with enough punch for all three at the same time! I usually get the standard amount of 2.6 oz, but if you are an avid cooker or an actual chef, you might get the bucket. Same great taste for over 60 years! It does not ever spoil!




Cleveland Cavaliers - I have much of a furore over this LeBron James. I have witnessed him personally fail on several occasions, and have not been impressed. He is an adequate performer, but his colleagues require superior conditioning. Perhaps if the team could incorporate another player such as my favorite, Tom Chambers, they will improve remarkably. Another attractive option is Dan Majerle, or any other player acquired by my good friend Cotton Fitzsimmons (a man whose knowledge of basketball is without parallel).



Hurricane - it's always a safe bet to predict a terrible hurricane season, and then be satisfied when your prediction is incorrect. This season will be particularly awful, though we should wait and see what happens though. That's what FEMA does, and they know how to grab a hurricane by the African horn. If you do not care for hurricane season, move to Hindustan and try Monsoon season. It's far more pleasant.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: US Military Battles

Today, in honor of Memorial Day, I wish to remind Americans of the greatest military battles of all time. I have listed five battles within the top 10 (scores are based upon the Krieger Scale*).

May 26, 1637 - Mystic Massacre of the Pequot War. John Mason led a force of colonists along with Niantic warriors against the Pequot. During an extended siege of the palisade of the Pequots, observing much struggle between Mason's men and the Pequot amazonian and youth warriors, he instructed his troops to set the enclosure on fire, killing all 600 soldiers therein. He later commented on this military success by saying that it was an act of God who "laughed his Enemies and the Enemies of his People to scorn making [the Pequot] as a fiery Oven . . . Thus did the Lord judge among the Heathen, filling [Mystic] with dead Bodies."

Score - 9.79


October 3-4, 1993 - Battle of Mogadishu. This is better known for the skirmish of where the helicopter Black Hawk was lost. Despite this, allied forces were successfully able to extricate all but eighteen soldiers, killing over 700 Somali militants. US Black Hawk helicopters fell victim to the superior technological might of the Somali militants, but were able to bounce back with sheer heroism and win the day (thanks to the aid of Pakistani and Malaysian forces).

Score 9.28


March 8-9, 1962: Battle of Hampton Roads. Better remembered as the battle between the "Monitor" and the "Merrimack", as US warfare entered the technological age. Racist Confederate forces resurrected the destroyed USS Merrimack and reforged them using the fires of Mount Doom into an ironclad ship called the CSS Virginia. This technological monstrosity wreaked havoc on the Union forces until they unveiled their doppelganger of righteousness - USS Monitor. In a tense battle where several Union ships were destroyed or heavily damaged, but the lines were held, both sides were forced to accept a draw. Questions still linger on the European involvement in this battle, as Americans do not accept draws as a result.

Score 8.87


February 23-March 6, 1836 - Battle of the Alamo. Remember the Alamo? It is not only a popular tourist trap in Texas, but was also the site of a historic battle in the US-Mexican War. Outnumbered fifty to one (my estimate may be higher than that previously reported), US forces outlasted superior Mexican forces in a major front to lead to independence for Texas. In hindsight, if we knew what Texas would give us, we probably should not have fought so hard. Nevertheless, American forces fought valiantly in a well deserved bittersweet victory. Why bittersweet? All women and children were released despite the deaths of every American soldier at the Alamo.

Score 8.85


September 1918-July1919 - Polar Bear Expedition. Part of the Allied intervention into Northern Russia to prevent acquisition of war stockpiles in Archangelsk from falling into the hands of the Kaiser or the Bolsheviks. Though no official battle was fought in Archangelsk, the bravery of US soldiers to protect the supply must not be ever forgotten. Over 110 soldiers died in battle, 30 went M.I.A., and 70 died from Spanish flu. Possibly the first example of biological warfare?

Score 8.06

*The Krieger Scale of Justified Militarism is based upon a complex equation using the Kohlberg scale of morality, the pentatonic scale, the Goddard scale, and the Aarhus diplomacy constant. Scores range from 1-10, with 10 being the highest.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Porno Pitch Idea: Al-Queefa

Hello, after reviewing pornograms for a week, I have begun to develop a fondness for these cinematographs. While they are not the most enjoyable, I feel that they are often directed and mismanaged by imbeciles. This is why I am proposing this week a few ideas for new pornograms, and all I require is independent funding to create them, and you can look forward to their presence on your local cinema bazaars. - Walt

Starring Hafa Yaseen, as Al-Queefa, a dancer (in Arabia, all dancers are exotic relative to America) joins Al-Qaeda to revenge the death of her brother who became a martyr. She infiltrates by sleeping her way to the top with members of one of the organization's cells (proving that Al-Qaeda is not that different from Fox News). This documentary lets us into the sexual minds of terrorists and that an explosion in a market is not as fun as one in your pants. Set in the early 2000's, Al-Queefa displays an era of free love heretofore undescribed in cinema in Arabia. If only the real Al-Qaeda had been aware that the love of one good dancer is equal to 70 virgins in heaven, then there would be less martyrdom. The desert is hot and so is she! The doner kebab is not the only meat on a stick, as the males prove that praying is not the only thing they are capable of five times a day! Unfortunately, the desert is much like the beach, as we find that sand gets stuck in all sorts of strange locations (and by sand I am referring to the euphemism). In the end, this pornogram could tell us more about the mind of a terrorist than Dennis Miller, which is why it must be made.

Very Good Clip from Cinematographic Trailer (that I have made with my own fiduciary):

Boston Police Incredibly Honest

How would the Boston Police inform the population in the case of a Zombie Attack?

Read this Conusmerist Post and find out.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Movie Reviews by Professor Genius

Hello, this week I have been invited to review "pornograms" on behalf of reviewporn.com. I do not care for pornograms in general, as they generally lack the cinematographic aesthetic that I prefer. Nevertheless, I was offered a large stipend, and my roofing needed repair, so I was obliged to review these films. This week, I will review my five favourite pornograms (none of which feature my wife, as I would like to avoid conflicts of interest). - Walt


Das Mädchen Internat

In the MMV drama, "Das Mädchen Internat", director Ferdinand Hillman enters the post-Berlin Wall era with a bang. In the setting of a female community college, the dean decides to bring a small number of male student/helpers. Physics professor, Frau Doktor Jansen (played by the enchanting Kelly Trump) shows her dedication to physics in a unique manner after school. When she discovers one student has special needs, she decides to spend twenty minutes a day in order to keep him from getting behind her female students. Class participation goes down, but in a good way. Her unique methods defy formal educational techniques, but I found them to be quite pleasurable. Her pedagogical devices were not the only devices being used, but I would recommend them for future instruction. A must see for any educator!

4 out of 5 stars

Monday, April 27, 2009

And you thought swine flu was bad

College campuses are facing a much worse problem:

Zombie Attacks

Remember that time when Brockton was awesome?





Today at 2:00 p.m., the lovely town of Brockton decided to pay tribute, again, to its one shining moment by naming a post office after the fabled Brockton-based World Champ, Rocky Marciano.

We at BNN find this a little sad, Brockton. Brocktown was not hurting for tribute to Marciano, nor is this the year of a momentus anniversary (53 years since his retirement as the only undefeated heavyweight champ).


This is just Brockton reminding you that it once mattered. Get over it, Brockton.

Professor Genius Reviews: Cigarettes


Editor's Note: This week, Professor Genius reviews cigarettes. He had never smoked previously, but for the sake of the experiment, he seems to have fallen in love. Thankfully, he leaves his work at the office, which is now filthy. - Mindy

5. Camels: these (and American Spirits) are the only smokes with biodegradable filterations. If you're going to start smoking, Camel is the way to go. It's a smooth light taste that will stick around for eternity. Do you remember your first Camel? Ah, the nausea was stirring.



Addiction Rate: 85%
Bad Breath Meter: 7
Burn Time: 5 min


4. Candy: these smokes are not even smokes! But they really create a solid bonding experience for father and son. A great stocking stuffer for a young lad! Another stocking stuffer might be dental candy!



Addiction Rate: 4%
Bad Breath Meter: 1
Burn Time: 37 min


3. Benson & Hedges: these cigarettes come from the British. Unfortunately, the B&H's sold in the US are not imported. This disappoints several of my foreign friends. Still, an elegant cigarette for a night of getting pregnant.



Addiction Rate: 67%
Bad Breath meter: 8
Burn Time: 6 min


2. Lucky Strike: a fine cigarette (best non-filtered). The best thing about these smokes are the packaging. If you have any friends that have quit smoking, one way to get them to start again to flash a pack of these babies! Kurt Cobain smoked them and he was quite successful in his career.


Addiction Rate: 89%
Bad Breath Meter: 9
Burn Time: 5 min


1. Kool: this brand brings a wonderful tingly sensation. I'm not sure what it is, but it reminds me of my blue shampoo! Somehow I can just breath deeper. It's a Christmas miracle!



Addiction Rate: 95%
Bad Breath Meter: 4
Burn Time: 6.5 min

Monday, April 20, 2009

Geek Week News -







ImprovBoston is celebrating Geek Week and so I will only be blogging the geekiest of news this week.


A 17 year-old Worcester teen was sentenced today for engaging in computer hacking. Between 2005 and 2008 the teen committed a series of acts including hijacking several computer.


No one has confirmed whether or not the teen was inspired by DVDs of terrible hacker movies of the late 90s. We at BNN believe that the makers of such movie shoudl be tracked down and shamed regardless.


Weekly Podcast is Up

Go here to watch this week's episode.
April 18
Harry Gordon
shares his thoughts on the Boston Marathon
Raj Sivaramen
reports on anti-government protesters in Thailand
Billy Bob Neck
goes Teabaggin'
Ryan Douglass
attempts to report on anti-government protesters in Boston
Sean Sullivan
gives a round up of the week in sports
and
Camilo Aladro & Ricky Santino
celebrate Puerto Rico's new commemorative quarter

Professor Genius Reviews Democracies

I, Professor Genius, have decided to review the various forms of democracy in honor of your Patriot's Day. Listed are his top 5 democratic countries, ranked based upon three categories, freedom, happiness, and democratic efficiency (as life, liberty and pursuit of happiness were ideas only applicable to the 18th century according to Professor Genius).

5. United States - while the US government is becoming larger, and has a president that was not technically born in the US, that gives them bonus points for open-mindedness. Even attempts in Italy to elect Sandokan as president has failed. The efforts being made by Obama to communicate with his South American presidential counterparts is part of what we call "Diplomacy" (not to be confused with duplomancy*) and it can be quite an asset in the case of an alien or Australian invasion. High marks for freedom, though happiness and DE indeces are low.

Freedom: 80%
Happiness: 26%
Democratic Efficiency: 34%



4. Cuba - while this wonderful nation has a significant amount of refugees, it has always been welcoming to anyone but the United States. Most likely due to the anti-tobacco campaigns promoted in America. The best indicator of a democracy is a good relationship with most neighbors. I rank Cuba at 4, primarily due to their lack of amusement parks.


Freedom: 50%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 45%


3. Borneo - this is the third largest island in the world, and coincidentally, it is the third best democracy on the planet! It is the only island with three countries, and therefore, the combined democracies make it more democratic. Unfortunately, they do not have a strong population score, and increases in pollution lead to decreases in happiness.


Freedom: 100%
Happiness: 18%
Democratic Efficiency: 53%



2. Canada - this nation has such nice people, so surely it must be a sign of a functioning democracy. They also have beautiful summers, which are full of non-ice. Canada doesn't even have protests. There, they call protests "A Century of Unlocked Doors". Inferior scores are generated primarily due to the presence of Quebec within its territories. I would recommend they lose the dead weight, to surpass to the No. 1 position.


Freedom: 75%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 66%



1. Zimbabwe - technically this is a dictatorship, but as Mugabe is still technically human (or at least humanoid based upon recent studies), he is a person. Therefore, rule by one person constitutes a democracy (as evidenced by the continual usage of the term democracy when applied to the United States. Mugabe's attempted assassinations of the opposing party lend credibility to the opposition without actually giving it any authority. For this, full marks must be given!


Freedom: 10%
Happiness: 29%
Democratic Efficiency: 100%

*duplomancy - the art of deceiving others.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

This Saturday's Show

This Saturday, April 18th
Boston News Net Celebrates the 191st Anniversary of the End of the Seminole War. A loss for Native American rights or a victory for citrus lovers and trailer park dwellers? You be the judge.

This Week's Show

Billy Bob Neck
goes Teabaggin'
Harry Gordon
shares his thoughts on the Boston Marathon
Raj Sivaramen
reports on anti-government protesters in Thailand
Ryan Douglass
attempts to report on anti-government protesters in Boston
Sean Sullivan
gives a round-up of the week in sports
and
Ricky Santino and Camilo Aladro
celebrate Puerto Rico's new commemorative quarter

Friday, April 10, 2009

Crappy Cage/Travolta Movie Creepily One Step Closer To Reality



Brigham and Women's Hospital has performed the nation's second partial face transplant today. Dr. Bodhman Pomahac and his team of surgeons replaced the face of a man with part of the face of a dead donor.


The hospital did not comment on whether or not this procedure was really fucking creepy.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Jerks and the Women Who "Love" Them, Part II



Edward Okun, holder of trophy wife Simone Bolasi (both pictured right), was convicted by a federal jury in Miami of stealing $132 million in a modest Ponzi scheme. One of Okun's victims is local Braintree auto dealer Daniel Quirk, owner of Quirk Auto Inc, Quirk Ford, and, oddly, the Fore River Shipyard.

A few thoughts

  • You know the saying, "you can't shit a shitter"? Must not be true. A car magnate got scammed.
  • Is there a place where one gets trophy brides, and, if so, where is it and how much do i need to make in order to get one? Do I need a million dollars? Is it the horrible place on that Bravo show?
  • What is the over/under on how many times Simone Bolasi visits Mr. Okun in prison? Is it 0.5? If so, TAKE THE UNDER.
  • I also think there is a direct correlation between the quality of a trophy wife and the quality of the business man who holds the trophy wife on his arm. If the trophy wife looks like she was previously a stripper or the daughter of Hulk Hogan or has fake breasts the size of water melons, the dude is probably not on the up and up. The Miami jury could have convicted based on that alone.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tewksbury Terror


BNN wonders aloud what everyone else is thinking:
This guy has a girlfriend?
Shocking.

Stimulus This


This just in. Massachusetts to fix economy by building houses and then paying companies to dispose of them in the ocean.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Holier Than Now


A nationwide study has found that more Americans than ever do not identify themselves as members of any organized religious group.

The decline in godfearing may spell disaster for already-hurting small businesses. Like the ones that trick out yarmulkes, or the few butchers who really know how to cut the finest Jesus flank around. But mostly, these changing demographics are having an impact in Rhode Island.

It doesn't take much to impact Rhode Island, we know. It's a miracle that the state even managed to repopulate itself after the Station fire. Still, this is a big deal too. As the local press has noted, the state has moved from a 62 percent Catholic population in 1990 to only 46 percent now. It's like the entire Kickemuit Klose Condominium Complex stopped going to church!

What have the local Dioceses said to this devastating news? In a word, "Nahhh."

According to the Providence Journal, the Catholic Diocese of Providence, "acknowledges only a slight decline in the percentage of Catholics." Church officials note that they still see large crowds of people in church, and have refuted the findings of the national report. A separate study by the Association of Statisticians of American Religious Bodies has found a similar decrease in American religion. But it's like, still. Come on. Nahhh.

One Narragansett Reverend says that he finds the numbers hard to believe, and actually, maybe we should just take him at his word. We've read the Old Testament, and have decided that the Reverend's standards of hard-to-believe must be pretty fucking high.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Weekly Podcast Posted

Last week's show was BNN's first anniversary show.

You can watch the full episode HERE

Happy Birthday, BNN.

Uhoh It's Magic . . . sort of . . . not really

In Syracuse N.Y., the birthplace of magic, Wade Whitcomb aka Wade Live is claiming that he ducessfully shipped himself in a crate from NY to Vegas. We at BNN admire Wade Live's amazing magical acumen to sit in a crate for a week while videotaping himself.

We look forward to some of his future magical feats:
  • The perfect Tivo recording
  • Spending a week in Atlantic City without losing all his money or contracting a VD
  • Saving the economy





Monday, March 9, 2009

Criminal Genius - Mattapan Edition


Everyone knows that the New England area has some of the most brilliant minds around. Our institutions of higher learner are without peer. Our intellectual history includes such giants as Holmes, Emerson, and the rest of the Dante Club.
What is less well known is that we also have some of the smartest law breakers around. Take, for examine, Mattapan resident Maxwell O. Thomas. This weekend the police arrested him for allegedly running an illegal after-hours bar in the basement of his house. The Herald reports that after the police arrested Thomas, brought him to the police station and began the process of booking him, Thomas made a brilliant move.
While being booked and making his one allowed phone call, Thomas was overheard saying he had stashed additional money under a brick near the house, cops said. Officers at the scene located $450 in the hiding spot, according to a police report.
While in the police station he tipped the police off on where the cash from his illegal bar was stashed.
True Genius.





Econ 911 - MBTA Bake Sale























I shit you not. The Boston Globe is reporting that MBTA supporters are taking the authority's budget woes ($ 8 billion deficit) into their own hands by having a Bake Sale on the statehouse steps today.



Sure, it may just a publicity stunt to shame an agency which has several employees making 6 figures, horrible productivity, and drivers who may or may not be high, but I hear the lemon sqaures or to die for.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Doesn't anyone steal money anymore?

Has the dollar lost so much value that it is not worth stealing?

Possibly. Yesterday a Randolph man was arrested after he was pulled over for speeding. Turns out that he had 150 lottery tickets and cigarettes stolen from a nearby store.

Additionally, and more absurdly, two men allegedly tried to steal $400 of Oil of Olay products from a Dorchester CVS. I guess they were worried about smooth skin. I hope their skin isn't that smooth, because they would become a hot commodity in prison.

Boston Herald[Boston Police Blotter]

Monday, March 2, 2009

The Hidden Victim of the Economic Downturn: Your teeth

We at BNN love the Boston Herald. They are committed to covering every nook and cranny a story possesses. Their ace reporting has revealed a heretofore unheralded victim in the economic crisis.

You see, when times are tough, people get stressed. And when people get stressed it has a physical effect on their body. One of these effects is teeth clenching which leads to jaw pain and headaches.

Not only does the Herald show you the problem, they take a step further and show you the solution that every unemployed and otherwise financially stressed member of the Hub: a $395 headband:

Problem solved. Thanks, Herald.





Boston Herald [Dentists: Stress leads to teeth clenching]