Sunday, January 25, 2009

Miss America Crowned, Self Esteem at an All Time Low!

On Saturday night, while America was out partying, drinking, and in my case sitting in their bedroom alone watching Love Actually (Hugh Grant, what a prostitute soliciting babe), a NEW MISS AMERICA was crowned!

The headline on reads "Hoosier Takes Home Miss America Crown". First thing I thought after I told everyone within 30ft of me the good news (my cat Rocky), is that I had no idea what a Hoosier was. I thought maybe it was Native American tribe. That would be worth mentioning. Or the Hoosier's are a religious sect of people that bathe in wine and eat dirt cakes as a sign of their faith to god on Mondays and select Tuesdays during the summer solstice. That would be worth mentioning. But no. A Hoosier is someone from Indiana. To be fair, I don't think I was too far off with the whole dirt cake thing....

I was disappointed. Miss America pageants tend to do that to young, impressionable girls. But I must give the pageant credit where credit is due: I did learn a new word.

And that's really what Miss America is about. It's not about reaching an impossible expectation of beauty and poisoning the minds of all those watching. It's about learning. What are a few lessons we've learned from beauty pageants over the years?

From Miss 2003, we learned that it really isn't what you say or how you say it, it's your enthusiasm that gets them going! Not only did she win $50,000 but she also won the Home Alone box Set!

Child beauty pageants get a lot of guff. But I saw phooey! They are stepping stones in learning valuable lessons like teamwork, poise, and that you'll never be skinny enough.

The swimsuit competition is a treasure trove of life lessons. From this winner, I've learned that food shouldn't be in your body but ON your body. Man, that swimsuit looks delicious! It looks so good, she could eat it (or wishes she could).

I would look up more photos and lessons for your viewing pleasure, but I'm at work and I already feel weird googling swimsuit clad Miss Americas. As if I'm not confused about my sexuality enough! HA! There is no confusion. My sexuality is zero.

So what are some of the lessons you've learned from Miss America? Was it that most people still don't know where Iraq is? Is it that the more your dress sparkles, the more it distracts you from finding love within? Perhaps you've learned the old lesson of "it's not what's on the outside that counts"...and that lesson is a load of bullshit.

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