Monday, April 27, 2009

And you thought swine flu was bad

College campuses are facing a much worse problem:

Zombie Attacks

Remember that time when Brockton was awesome?

Today at 2:00 p.m., the lovely town of Brockton decided to pay tribute, again, to its one shining moment by naming a post office after the fabled Brockton-based World Champ, Rocky Marciano.

We at BNN find this a little sad, Brockton. Brocktown was not hurting for tribute to Marciano, nor is this the year of a momentus anniversary (53 years since his retirement as the only undefeated heavyweight champ).

This is just Brockton reminding you that it once mattered. Get over it, Brockton.

Professor Genius Reviews: Cigarettes

Editor's Note: This week, Professor Genius reviews cigarettes. He had never smoked previously, but for the sake of the experiment, he seems to have fallen in love. Thankfully, he leaves his work at the office, which is now filthy. - Mindy

5. Camels: these (and American Spirits) are the only smokes with biodegradable filterations. If you're going to start smoking, Camel is the way to go. It's a smooth light taste that will stick around for eternity. Do you remember your first Camel? Ah, the nausea was stirring.

Addiction Rate: 85%
Bad Breath Meter: 7
Burn Time: 5 min

4. Candy: these smokes are not even smokes! But they really create a solid bonding experience for father and son. A great stocking stuffer for a young lad! Another stocking stuffer might be dental candy!

Addiction Rate: 4%
Bad Breath Meter: 1
Burn Time: 37 min

3. Benson & Hedges: these cigarettes come from the British. Unfortunately, the B&H's sold in the US are not imported. This disappoints several of my foreign friends. Still, an elegant cigarette for a night of getting pregnant.

Addiction Rate: 67%
Bad Breath meter: 8
Burn Time: 6 min

2. Lucky Strike: a fine cigarette (best non-filtered). The best thing about these smokes are the packaging. If you have any friends that have quit smoking, one way to get them to start again to flash a pack of these babies! Kurt Cobain smoked them and he was quite successful in his career.

Addiction Rate: 89%
Bad Breath Meter: 9
Burn Time: 5 min

1. Kool: this brand brings a wonderful tingly sensation. I'm not sure what it is, but it reminds me of my blue shampoo! Somehow I can just breath deeper. It's a Christmas miracle!

Addiction Rate: 95%
Bad Breath Meter: 4
Burn Time: 6.5 min

Monday, April 20, 2009

Geek Week News -

ImprovBoston is celebrating Geek Week and so I will only be blogging the geekiest of news this week.

A 17 year-old Worcester teen was sentenced today for engaging in computer hacking. Between 2005 and 2008 the teen committed a series of acts including hijacking several computer.

No one has confirmed whether or not the teen was inspired by DVDs of terrible hacker movies of the late 90s. We at BNN believe that the makers of such movie shoudl be tracked down and shamed regardless.

Weekly Podcast is Up

Go here to watch this week's episode.
April 18
Harry Gordon
shares his thoughts on the Boston Marathon
Raj Sivaramen
reports on anti-government protesters in Thailand
Billy Bob Neck
goes Teabaggin'
Ryan Douglass
attempts to report on anti-government protesters in Boston
Sean Sullivan
gives a round up of the week in sports
Camilo Aladro & Ricky Santino
celebrate Puerto Rico's new commemorative quarter

Professor Genius Reviews Democracies

I, Professor Genius, have decided to review the various forms of democracy in honor of your Patriot's Day. Listed are his top 5 democratic countries, ranked based upon three categories, freedom, happiness, and democratic efficiency (as life, liberty and pursuit of happiness were ideas only applicable to the 18th century according to Professor Genius).

5. United States - while the US government is becoming larger, and has a president that was not technically born in the US, that gives them bonus points for open-mindedness. Even attempts in Italy to elect Sandokan as president has failed. The efforts being made by Obama to communicate with his South American presidential counterparts is part of what we call "Diplomacy" (not to be confused with duplomancy*) and it can be quite an asset in the case of an alien or Australian invasion. High marks for freedom, though happiness and DE indeces are low.

Freedom: 80%
Happiness: 26%
Democratic Efficiency: 34%

4. Cuba - while this wonderful nation has a significant amount of refugees, it has always been welcoming to anyone but the United States. Most likely due to the anti-tobacco campaigns promoted in America. The best indicator of a democracy is a good relationship with most neighbors. I rank Cuba at 4, primarily due to their lack of amusement parks.

Freedom: 50%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 45%

3. Borneo - this is the third largest island in the world, and coincidentally, it is the third best democracy on the planet! It is the only island with three countries, and therefore, the combined democracies make it more democratic. Unfortunately, they do not have a strong population score, and increases in pollution lead to decreases in happiness.

Freedom: 100%
Happiness: 18%
Democratic Efficiency: 53%

2. Canada - this nation has such nice people, so surely it must be a sign of a functioning democracy. They also have beautiful summers, which are full of non-ice. Canada doesn't even have protests. There, they call protests "A Century of Unlocked Doors". Inferior scores are generated primarily due to the presence of Quebec within its territories. I would recommend they lose the dead weight, to surpass to the No. 1 position.

Freedom: 75%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 66%

1. Zimbabwe - technically this is a dictatorship, but as Mugabe is still technically human (or at least humanoid based upon recent studies), he is a person. Therefore, rule by one person constitutes a democracy (as evidenced by the continual usage of the term democracy when applied to the United States. Mugabe's attempted assassinations of the opposing party lend credibility to the opposition without actually giving it any authority. For this, full marks must be given!

Freedom: 10%
Happiness: 29%
Democratic Efficiency: 100%

*duplomancy - the art of deceiving others.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

This Saturday's Show

This Saturday, April 18th
Boston News Net Celebrates the 191st Anniversary of the End of the Seminole War. A loss for Native American rights or a victory for citrus lovers and trailer park dwellers? You be the judge.

This Week's Show

Billy Bob Neck
goes Teabaggin'
Harry Gordon
shares his thoughts on the Boston Marathon
Raj Sivaramen
reports on anti-government protesters in Thailand
Ryan Douglass
attempts to report on anti-government protesters in Boston
Sean Sullivan
gives a round-up of the week in sports
Ricky Santino and Camilo Aladro
celebrate Puerto Rico's new commemorative quarter

Friday, April 10, 2009

Crappy Cage/Travolta Movie Creepily One Step Closer To Reality

Brigham and Women's Hospital has performed the nation's second partial face transplant today. Dr. Bodhman Pomahac and his team of surgeons replaced the face of a man with part of the face of a dead donor.

The hospital did not comment on whether or not this procedure was really fucking creepy.