Monday, April 20, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews Democracies

I, Professor Genius, have decided to review the various forms of democracy in honor of your Patriot's Day. Listed are his top 5 democratic countries, ranked based upon three categories, freedom, happiness, and democratic efficiency (as life, liberty and pursuit of happiness were ideas only applicable to the 18th century according to Professor Genius).

5. United States - while the US government is becoming larger, and has a president that was not technically born in the US, that gives them bonus points for open-mindedness. Even attempts in Italy to elect Sandokan as president has failed. The efforts being made by Obama to communicate with his South American presidential counterparts is part of what we call "Diplomacy" (not to be confused with duplomancy*) and it can be quite an asset in the case of an alien or Australian invasion. High marks for freedom, though happiness and DE indeces are low.

Freedom: 80%
Happiness: 26%
Democratic Efficiency: 34%

4. Cuba - while this wonderful nation has a significant amount of refugees, it has always been welcoming to anyone but the United States. Most likely due to the anti-tobacco campaigns promoted in America. The best indicator of a democracy is a good relationship with most neighbors. I rank Cuba at 4, primarily due to their lack of amusement parks.

Freedom: 50%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 45%

3. Borneo - this is the third largest island in the world, and coincidentally, it is the third best democracy on the planet! It is the only island with three countries, and therefore, the combined democracies make it more democratic. Unfortunately, they do not have a strong population score, and increases in pollution lead to decreases in happiness.

Freedom: 100%
Happiness: 18%
Democratic Efficiency: 53%

2. Canada - this nation has such nice people, so surely it must be a sign of a functioning democracy. They also have beautiful summers, which are full of non-ice. Canada doesn't even have protests. There, they call protests "A Century of Unlocked Doors". Inferior scores are generated primarily due to the presence of Quebec within its territories. I would recommend they lose the dead weight, to surpass to the No. 1 position.

Freedom: 75%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 66%

1. Zimbabwe - technically this is a dictatorship, but as Mugabe is still technically human (or at least humanoid based upon recent studies), he is a person. Therefore, rule by one person constitutes a democracy (as evidenced by the continual usage of the term democracy when applied to the United States. Mugabe's attempted assassinations of the opposing party lend credibility to the opposition without actually giving it any authority. For this, full marks must be given!

Freedom: 10%
Happiness: 29%
Democratic Efficiency: 100%

*duplomancy - the art of deceiving others.

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