Monday, June 22, 2009

Professor Genius Reviews: Tanning Methods

For some reason, I have received many requests on how to tan properly. I have listed the five most popular methods of tanning for your perusal. While I abhor the process of tanning in general, I do understand it is a necessary part of preservation. Enjoy! - Walt.

1. The Sun - Until my colleagues at CERN can complete their cold fusion generator, the sun maintains its monopoly on providing thermal energy to the Earth. Ideal places to absorb the preponderance of solar energy to activate epidermal melanin would be beaches, parks, deserts, and observatories. Beware of potential overexposure to radiation, as mutagenesis is not as ideal as one would think. Also, not recommended for victims of albinism.

2. Curing - One can easily tan by using various combinations of salts, acids, and lyes. It permanently alters the protein coat of the epidermis thereby preserving it for extended duration. It provides a lustrous sheen and pleasant smell not provided by other forms of tanning. Highly recommended (though not for humans).

3. Bronzing Cream - While not actually made of real bronze, it usually costs as much as the bronzing process would generally. I once had my son Oeddie's shoes bronzed, but he was still using them, so he was displeased. Bronzing cream retains the luster of bronzing without the petrification commonly associated with it. If one desires the statuesque look, it is highly recommended. However if one desires a more realistic look, I would avoid this, lest you desire to impersonate a tangelo. Avoid, unless essential.

4. UV Lamps - Since the discovery of UV radiation by Johann Ritter in 1801, mankind has had a long desire to replicate the sun. Since the development of the "tanning bed" by Richard Dotson in 1950, the sun has become all but obsolete in the realm of tanning. Now, individuals may tan year round without waiting for the fickle star to show its face. Highly recommended.

5. Spanking - My preferred method of tanning, not because of the autoeroticism, but primarily because it provides a longer lasting tan (if done properly). I once spanked my daughter Sappho for wanting to go to the beach. I gave her such a tan, that she didn't even need to go to the beach anymore. Which was fortuitous, as I am light sensitive, and cannot afford to spend too much time in the sun. Recommended.

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