Friday, April 18, 2008

The Order of St. Gino the Contractor

Ladies and Gentlemen, Red Sox Nation has many heroes. Now, however, it enters the national stage with a credential so powerful that it could, if it so desired, apply for tax-exempt status with the Internal Revenue Service as a bona-fide religion:

We have a martyr.

I speak to you, naturally, of St. Gino the Contractor, who risked life, limb, and the utter destruction of his credit rating to bury a holy relic (to wit, a Big Papi jersey) within the foundations of the Devil's temple (the new Yankee Stadium). Sadly, the forces of evil found the relic and exhumed it. Minions of the Dark One (Yankee officials) referred to the burial as "...a very bad, bad act..."

Seriously? Burying a shirt is a "very bad, bad act"? The Yankees are going to sue this guy for putting fabric in concrete? New York City prosecutors are considering criminal charges? Medford native-turned-quisling Mayor Bloomberg is outraged? C'mon. You didn't have to shell out $50K to dig up the shirt. You could have left it there. Maybe brought in a hippie to go over the concrete with a smudge stick, or used a voodoo doll, or some other legitimate ritual stolen from another culture. But no. Well, Yankee officials, you have fucked with entirely the wrong people. Because The Order of St. Gino the Contractor will not stand for this.

Yes, the Order of St. Gino the Contractor-- a movement that rivals Opus Dei for devotion and mortification of the flesh, though the Order's interpretation of "mortification of the flesh" has more to do with sausages sold from street carts than self-flagellation.

In every great movement, there are moments that define the movement. The 2004 destruction of the Curse of the Bambino. The redemption of Bill Buckner. And now, the martyrdom of St. Gino the Contractor. We-- you, me, the Red Sox Organization-- owe St. Gino. Big time. I say to the Red Sox: will you meet the call? Will you recognize the sacrifice of this fine man, this faithful fan, this pourer of concrete, and will you come to his aid in this, his time of need? Embrace him. Sanctify him. Find a benefactor to buy the shirt so the Jimmy Fund gets a few thousand bucks, and use it to set up a shrine to his holy deed. Should he be sued, find him an attorney. Pay his legal fees. The next Red Sox-Yankees matchup at Fenway is in late July. Get St. Gino up here and have him throw out the first pitch at that game. Give him luxury seats.

Ladies and Gentlemen, like many saints throughout history, St. Gino the Contractor suffered for his faith. Do not let that suffering be in vain.


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