Tips for Surviving the Cold

Boston, prepare your massholes for the coldest, most frigid weekend you've experienced since 2004 (not counting that one night stand with your ex-girlfriend).

Winter is here and about to bitch slap us in the face with staggering SINGLE DIGIT DEGREES! Wait, single digits? Only? Excuse me for tooting my own Minnesotant horn, but I'm from the streets of murderapolis and although I'm not saying it's quite summer weather, single digits is nothing to be locking yourself in your house for. When I was back home, it was -14 degrees. If I were a dude, I would have been choking on my own balls it was so cold. Not that I would know anything about choking on....anyway, my point is that, Boston, you need to take a chill pill and let me guide you through some sure fire ways to keep warm in the coming days. Let's talk fashion:

When the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, your dog is still going to need to take a shit. So dress them in this...thing. It seems to be a rain coat/winter gear/floatation device. It doesn't matter how they look really, you'll still be seen as a nutcase who dresses their animals in clothes and probably takes pictures to use on holiday cards.















Long Johns, skivvies, thermals, happy pants, I don't care what you call them, you're gonna need them. Layers is key to surviving the cold. You'll be instantly warm wearing these little secrets. And instantly attractive. Get in me!
















The wonderful thing about winter is that you can dress in so many different layers and styles of clothing. It also lets people dress like fucking nightmarish creatures from the deep woods of hell.



















The news is saying that you should keep the elderly and the young inside to shield them from the blistering cold. Mayor Menino also issued a statement about space heater safety. These are not to be joked about. The combination of old people and space heaters is as volatile as vinegar and baking soda. Heed my warnings.






















I know it's going to be tough. Getting your starbucks in the morning will be even harder since your gas guzzling car won't start and your CK leather gloves are as effective as expired condoms (67% effective), but you can get through this cold. Before you know it, spring will come dancing up the mountain, fat and jolly, full of flowers and candy while the smell of frozen vegetation and dead animals defrosting will fill the air.
Use my tips, Boston, and understand that this nasty weather is temporary, just like life, money, and your hair.
Oh, and be happy you're not this guy.


Thanks Owen Beattie.

Heroic Pilot Valiantly Tries to Drown Plane Full of New Yorkers

Okay, so it was actually an emergency water landing and not one man's attempt to kill a few New Yorkers (who were likely responsible for all the bad things that happened on Wall Street; note the business casual being sported by people desperately clinging to the wing). But no one died, so we can make jokes about wanting to drawn yuppie business class air travelers, who are now probably sitting in their lofts in Tribeca contemplating life, death, and thier waterlogged Louis Vuitton luggage.

Ugly Dresses or Racist Ugly Dresses?

In Alabama, a controversy has arisen over the participation of Mobile’s Azalea Trail Maids as the only representation for Alabama in the inaugural parade.

The Alabama NAACP President Edward Vaughn criticized the Trail Maids participation saying that the dresses reminded him of slavery. The implication of his remarks being that the mode of dress used with hoop skirts and colors usually found on cake icing dates back to the antebellum period of the south and invokes the ugly spectre of slavery.

We at BNN think the controversy poses an interesting question: what aspects of antebellum and southern culture no longer have a place in modern American culture. Here is a handy guide of cultural sensitivity.

The Confederate Flag

Verdict: Seriously not cool.

Although many claim that the flag stands for all of southern culture, there is no getting around the fact that it was the flag flown by a group of people who fought, in part, to protect the institution of slavery. The confederate flag should not be flown anywhere as it is a clear symbol of slavery and only racists or culturally insensitive buffoons would raise it proudly.

Seriously, South Carolina, you guys are jerks.

A Burning Cross

Verdict: Not cool.

Now a burning cross most likely reminds people of Mississippi Burning, a movie that taught us something about something, but I never really saw it so I don't really no what. The image is most associated with post slavery racism and regional terrorism by groups like the KKK. The burning cross evokes feelings of the "badges and incidents" of slavery. Thus it is a piece of Southern culture that should really get the ol' heave-ho.

White People
Verdict: Not cool but necessary.

Although white people in both the North and South played the dominant role in the grueling oppression that was slavery, getting rid of them would be throwing out the baby with the bathwater. The whites are currently needed in American society as a bogeyman for all bad things and also a culture source of comparison for when something has become uncool.

The Back of the Bus
Verdict: Cool.

Forcing someone to sit in the back of the bus is not cool, unless the person is cool, then it is all right because that is where the cool kids are supposed to sit.

Drinking fountains

Verdict: Cool.

These two water fountains are for short people and tall people. Height discrimination is still cool. It is also still cool to make fun of fatties.

A Man on a horse with a bullwhip

Verdict: It depends.

If you are selling the whips for non-slave whipping purposes as part of a rich family history of selling high quality whips like this guy: Cool.

If you are yelling orders amidst a bunch of African-Americans: Not cool.

No Effing Way: WEEI Listener is Crazy, Loser

Turns out that a listener of WEEI, Boston's #1 source for sports talk and intolerance, was, in the shock of the year, a crazy, unemployed person who became obsessed with sports and the radio personalities in order to mask the inadequacies of his personal life. Go figure.

When I listen to WEEI, especially Dennis and Callahan or the Big Show, I always hear very reasoned discussion. I would never hear, for example, radio personalities and callers lauding less talented white athletes as hard working or a "Boston type of guy" while running one of the greatest hitters in the history of baseball, who happened to also be Latino, out of Boston.

Who knew someone involved in such a discourse would be unstable enough to leave death threats for D&C? Not me.


article: Boston Herald [WEEI caller turns anger on himself]

Redline to be even more awkward this Saturday

Those of you who prefer fully clothed rides on public transportation, take note. The Boston Societies of Spontaneity will be partaking in the annual ritual known as "no pants day", or as T riders think of it, the annual "gee I wish these people were hotter" day, this Saturday, January 10, 2009.

So, remember this Saturday, if everyone on the T with you is half naked, don't be alarmed. There has not been an uptick in mental illness or a further slide of society into the drain, unless, of course, you are on the Orange line. But if you are on the Orange line you already are aware that you are on a $2 train ride to hell.

Updated:Here are some links to video [via the Cambridge Chronicle] and photos [via The Bosotnist] of the event.

Bay State set to launch anti-obesity campaign

With the state economy in a shambles, Massachusetts unveiled an ambitious new program to combat…obesity. The program, called Mass In Motion, would require, among other things, that restaurants post nutrition information for their meals.










It would also force schools to come up with a method to identify which of their students are fat











so that, in the words of Public Health Commissioner, John Auerbach “we can help a parent understand concerns with obesity ... and help them to do something about it."










While Boston News Net agrees that the obese are unsightly, given the current economy, we would suggest the better plan would be to just wait.

Happy 2009! OR "The Year After Flaming Death Impact"

Friends, celebrating the end of the beating with a poo-filled sock that was 2008 is sort of like buying someone a cake for an abortion. We all want to forget what happened, but we can't because fucking USAA calls five times a day demanding payment on their damned credit card device. But Boston News Net is excited to welcome in the New Year anyway, because there's nothing like an arbitrary celebration based on the sweetly inaccurate Julian calendar to wipe the slate clean! Right!? It worked out so well for the Romans! YES WE CAN! Unless we have a mortgage, a credit card, or have in some other way brought about the ire of the great Earth Rattler Poseidon. Hail Atlantis.