Boston News Net

Crowley/Gates

2009-07-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

Our legal correspondent's non-funny, barely informed views on the Crowley/Gates affair.

Professor Genius Reviews: Weddings

2009-07-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

This week I have decided to review various types of weddings. If you are interested in getting married, or have some friends who are getting married, perhaps you can learn something from this survey. Enjoy! - Walt

1. Gay Weddings - Gay weddings are exactly as their name suggests - quite enjoyable. Unfortunately, very few states in the union allow gay weddings, primarily because frivolity is frowned upon in modern society. I have attended several gay weddings, and they were beautiful experiences. I suggest that if you live in states that tolerate gay weddings, you should attempt to have a gay wedding. Just be warned, the decorations will be fantastic, and often costly.

2. Hindu Weddings - Hindu weddings are to normal weddings as cricket is to baseball. These weddings are very flashy and exotic, but if you have witnessed enough of them, you will understand how interminable they are. Roughly five days in duration, Hindus put the wedding process at a premium, perhaps that is why most Hindus stay married. They have spent so much time trying to get married, that they decide to avoid having to go through the process once more. That is why I have only had one colonoscopy.

3. Dog Weddings - Dog weddings are like human weddings, but cheaper, and often end in heartbreak. Dogs are naturally unfaithful creatures, but by learning from them how to maintain a dog marriage, one can perfect one's own marriage. If you desire to attend a dog marriage, I would recommend golden retrievers. They are quite beautiful, and often give the best gifts to guests. Avoid pugs, as they are disgusting creatures.

4. Second Weddings - Many people enjoy the process of divorce and remarrying, but do not wish to surrender half of their income. This is why second weddings were created by Scott Johansson of Burbank, CA in 1961. This is ideal for married couples who forgot what their wedding day was like (usually because they lost daguerrotypes or could not afford a wedding daguerrotypographer).

5. Military Wedding - Sometimes confused for a shotgun wedding. However, traditional shotgun weddings normally do not involve instruments of torture often associated with the military. But I am told both involve much lubrication by alcohol. The armed forces always have festive occasions, and if you are marrying someone not in the armed forces, I suggest you offer them up for enlistment, as America is always looking for good men (and sometimes women), and you can then enjoy a superior wedding.

Professor Genius Reviews: Tanning Methods

2009-06-22T21:29:00.001-07:00

For some reason, I have received many requests on how to tan properly. I have listed the five most popular methods of tanning for your perusal. While I abhor the process of tanning in general, I do understand it is a necessary part of preservation. Enjoy! - Walt.

1. The Sun - Until my colleagues at CERN can complete their cold fusion generator, the sun maintains its monopoly on providing thermal energy to the Earth. Ideal places to absorb the preponderance of solar energy to activate epidermal melanin would be beaches, parks, deserts, and observatories. Beware of potential overexposure to radiation, as mutagenesis is not as ideal as one would think. Also, not recommended for victims of albinism.

2. Curing - One can easily tan by using various combinations of salts, acids, and lyes. It permanently alters the protein coat of the epidermis thereby preserving it for extended duration. It provides a lustrous sheen and pleasant smell not provided by other forms of tanning. Highly recommended (though not for humans).

3. Bronzing Cream - While not actually made of real bronze, it usually costs as much as the bronzing process would generally. I once had my son Oeddie's shoes bronzed, but he was still using them, so he was displeased. Bronzing cream retains the luster of bronzing without the petrification commonly associated with it. If one desires the statuesque look, it is highly recommended. However if one desires a more realistic look, I would avoid this, lest you desire to impersonate a tangelo. Avoid, unless essential.

4. UV Lamps - Since the discovery of UV radiation by Johann Ritter in 1801, mankind has had a long desire to replicate the sun. Since the development of the "tanning bed" by Richard Dotson in 1950, the sun has become all but obsolete in the realm of tanning. Now, individuals may tan year round without waiting for the fickle star to show its face. Highly recommended.

5. Spanking - My preferred method of tanning, not because of the autoeroticism, but primarily because it provides a longer lasting tan (if done properly). I once spanked my daughter Sappho for wanting to go to the beach. I gave her such a tan, that she didn't even need to go to the beach anymore. Which was fortuitous, as I am light sensitive, and cannot afford to spend too much time in the sun. Recommended.

New Hampshire is Totally Gay

2009-06-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Communist -Not-Real-America Club, New Hampshire.

Boston Globe [N.H. Becomes Sixth State Where Gays Can Marry]

North End Residents Shocked by Dimasi Indictment

2009-06-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!

Unlike Captain Renault in Casablanca, the Boston Globe reports that the residents of the North End are shocked and dismayed after they learned of the federal indictment against former Massachusetts Speaker of the House Sal DiMasi.

We at BNN have conducted an investigation and have discovered other revelations that have shocked the North End residents.

Professional wrestling is staged.

Residents were saddened and disheartened to learn that the Ultimate Warrior is neither ultimate nor a warrior, unless you coount his new career as a crazy fringe activist. They also lamented at the fact that the only death involved in a Death Match occurs 15 years later as a result of steroids and hard living. Shocked.

Liberace was gay

Many North End residents were big fans of the flamboyant pianist and always imagined that he would settle down and meet the right girl. Residents interviewed often made statements to the effect of "I just thought he was using the flamboyant costumes to meet girls."

Professor Genius Reviews: Seasons

2009-06-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

Summer - forget what Christians say, summer is the season to be jolly! There's free heat, plenty of exposed epiderma, and if you have a job - vacations (If you don't have a job, this season is immaterial, as all year is your vacation)! I have always thought that Christmas was scheduled for the winter only because songwriters only wrote in the winter (for they were having far too much fun outdoors in the summer)!

Old Bay - this wonderful blend of seasons can be added to seafood, poultry, and salads with enough punch for all three at the same time! I usually get the standard amount of 2.6 oz, but if you are an avid cooker or an actual chef, you might get the bucket. Same great taste for over 60 years! It does not ever spoil!

Cleveland Cavaliers - I have much of a furore over this LeBron James. I have witnessed him personally fail on several occasions, and have not been impressed. He is an adequate performer, but his colleagues require superior conditioning. Perhaps if the team could incorporate another player such as my favorite, Tom Chambers, they will improve remarkably. Another attractive option is Dan Majerle, or any other player acquired by my good friend Cotton Fitzsimmons (a man whose knowledge of basketball is without parallel).

Hurricane - it's always a safe bet to predict a terrible hurricane season, and then be satisfied when your prediction is incorrect. This season will be particularly awful, though we should wait and see what happens though. That's what FEMA does, and they know how to grab a hurricane by the African horn. If you do not care for hurricane season, move to Hindustan and try Monsoon season. It's far more pleasant.

Professor Genius Reviews: US Military Battles

2009-05-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

Today, in honor of Memorial Day, I wish to remind Americans of the greatest military battles of all time. I have listed five battles within the top 10 (scores are based upon the Krieger Scale*).

May 26, 1637 - Mystic Massacre of the Pequot War. John Mason led a force of colonists along with Niantic warriors against the Pequot. During an extended siege of the palisade of the Pequots, observing much struggle between Mason's men and the Pequot amazonian and youth warriors, he instructed his troops to set the enclosure on fire, killing all 600 soldiers therein. He later commented on this military success by saying that it was an act of God who "laughed his Enemies and the Enemies of his People to scorn making [the Pequot] as a fiery Oven . . . Thus did the Lord judge among the Heathen, filling [Mystic] with dead Bodies."

Score - 9.79

October 3-4, 1993 - Battle of Mogadishu. This is better known for the skirmish of where the helicopter Black Hawk was lost. Despite this, allied forces were successfully able to extricate all but eighteen soldiers, killing over 700 Somali militants. US Black Hawk helicopters fell victim to the superior technological might of the Somali militants, but were able to bounce back with sheer heroism and win the day (thanks to the aid of Pakistani and Malaysian forces).

Score 9.28

March 8-9, 1962: Battle of Hampton Roads. Better remembered as the battle between the "Monitor" and the "Merrimack", as US warfare entered the technological age. Racist Confederate forces resurrected the destroyed USS Merrimack and reforged them using the fires of Mount Doom into an ironclad ship called the CSS Virginia. This technological monstrosity wreaked havoc on the Union forces until they unveiled their doppelganger of righteousness - USS Monitor. In a tense battle where several Union ships were destroyed or heavily damaged, but the lines were held, both sides were forced to accept a draw. Questions still linger on the European involvement in this battle, as Americans do not accept draws as a result.

Score 8.87

February 23-March 6, 1836 - Battle of the Alamo. Remember the Alamo? It is not only a popular tourist trap in Texas, but was also the site of a historic battle in the US-Mexican War. Outnumbered fifty to one (my estimate may be higher than that previously reported), US forces outlasted superior Mexican forces in a major front to lead to independence for Texas. In hindsight, if we knew what Texas would give us, we probably should not have fought so hard. Nevertheless, American forces fought valiantly in a well deserved bittersweet victory. Why bittersweet? All women and children were released despite the deaths of every American soldier at the Alamo.

Score 8.85

September 1918-July1919 - Polar Bear Expedition. Part of the Allied intervention into Northern Russia to prevent acquisition of war stockpiles in Archangelsk from falling into the hands of the Kaiser or the Bolsheviks. Though no official battle was fought in Archangelsk, the bravery of US soldiers to protect the supply must not be ever forgotten. Over 110 soldiers died in battle, 30 went M.I.A., and 70 died from Spanish flu. Possibly the first example of biological warfare?

Score 8.06

*The Krieger Scale of Justified Militarism is based upon a complex equation using the Kohlberg scale of morality, the pentatonic scale, the Goddard scale, and the Aarhus diplomacy constant. Scores range from 1-10, with 10 being the highest.

Porno Pitch Idea: Al-Queefa

2009-05-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hello, after reviewing pornograms for a week, I have begun to develop a fondness for these cinematographs. While they are not the most enjoyable, I feel that they are often directed and mismanaged by imbeciles. This is why I am proposing this week a few ideas for new pornograms, and all I require is independent funding to create them, and you can look forward to their presence on your local cinema bazaars. - Walt

Al-Queefa

Starring Hafa Yaseen, as Al-Queefa, a dancer (in Arabia, all dancers are exotic relative to America) joins Al-Qaeda to revenge the death of her brother who became a martyr. She infiltrates by sleeping her way to the top with members of one of the organization's cells (proving that Al-Qaeda is not that different from Fox News). This documentary lets us into the sexual minds of terrorists and that an explosion in a market is not as fun as one in your pants. Set in the early 2000's, Al-Queefa displays an era of free love heretofore undescribed in cinema in Arabia. If only the real Al-Qaeda had been aware that the love of one good dancer is equal to 70 virgins in heaven, then there would be less martyrdom. The desert is hot and so is she! The doner kebab is not the only meat on a stick, as the males prove that praying is not the only thing they are capable of five times a day! Unfortunately, the desert is much like the beach, as we find that sand gets stuck in all sorts of strange locations (and by sand I am referring to the euphemism). In the end, this pornogram could tell us more about the mind of a terrorist than Dennis Miller, which is why it must be made.

Very Good Clip from Cinematographic Trailer (that I have made with my own fiduciary):

Boston Police Incredibly Honest

2009-05-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

How would the Boston Police inform the population in the case of a Zombie Attack?

Read this Conusmerist Post and find out.

Movie Reviews by Professor Genius

2009-05-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Hello, this week I have been invited to review "pornograms" on behalf of reviewporn.com. I do not care for pornograms in general, as they generally lack the cinematographic aesthetic that I prefer. Nevertheless, I was offered a large stipend, and my roofing needed repair, so I was obliged to review these films. This week, I will review my five favourite pornograms (none of which feature my wife, as I would like to avoid conflicts of interest). - Walt

Das Mädchen Internat

In the MMV drama, "Das Mädchen Internat", director Ferdinand Hillman enters the post-Berlin Wall era with a bang. In the setting of a female community college, the dean decides to bring a small number of male student/helpers. Physics professor, Frau Doktor Jansen (played by the enchanting Kelly Trump) shows her dedication to physics in a unique manner after school. When she discovers one student has special needs, she decides to spend twenty minutes a day in order to keep him from getting behind her female students. Class participation goes down, but in a good way. Her unique methods defy formal educational techniques, but I found them to be quite pleasurable. Her pedagogical devices were not the only devices being used, but I would recommend them for future instruction. A must see for any educator!

4 out of 5 stars

And you thought swine flu was bad

2009-04-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

College campuses are facing a much worse problem:

Zombie Attacks

Remember that time when Brockton was awesome?

2009-04-27T11:18:00.003-07:00

Today at 2:00 p.m., the lovely town of Brockton decided to pay tribute, again, to its one shining moment by naming a post office after the fabled Brockton-based World Champ, Rocky Marciano.

We at BNN find this a little sad, Brockton. Brocktown was not hurting for tribute to Marciano, nor is this the year of a momentus anniversary (53 years since his retirement as the only undefeated heavyweight champ).

This is just Brockton reminding you that it once mattered. Get over it, Brockton.

Patriot Ledger - [With naming of city post office, Rocky Marciano gets another title]

Professor Genius Reviews: Cigarettes

2009-04-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: This week, Professor Genius reviews cigarettes. He had never smoked previously, but for the sake of the experiment, he seems to have fallen in love. Thankfully, he leaves his work at the office, which is now filthy. - Mindy

5. Camels: these (and American Spirits) are the only smokes with biodegradable filterations. If you're going to start smoking, Camel is the way to go. It's a smooth light taste that will stick around for eternity. Do you remember your first Camel? Ah, the nausea was stirring.

Addiction Rate: 85%

Bad Breath Meter: 7

Burn Time: 5 min

4. Candy: these smokes are not even smokes! But they really create a solid bonding experience for father and son. A great stocking stuffer for a young lad! Another stocking stuffer might be dental candy!

Addiction Rate: 4%

Bad Breath Meter: 1
Burn Time: 37 min

3. Benson & Hedges: these cigarettes come from the British. Unfortunately, the B&H's sold in the US are not imported. This disappoints several of my foreign friends. Still, an elegant cigarette for a night of getting pregnant.

Addiction Rate: 67%

Bad Breath meter: 8

Burn Time: 6 min

2. Lucky Strike: a fine cigarette (best non-filtered). The best thing about these smokes are the packaging. If you have any friends that have quit smoking, one way to get them to start again to flash a pack of these babies! Kurt Cobain smoked them and he was quite successful in his career.

Addiction Rate: 89%

Bad Breath Meter: 9

Burn Time: 5 min

1. Kool: this brand brings a wonderful tingly sensation. I'm not sure what it is, but it reminds me of my blue shampoo! Somehow I can just breath deeper. It's a Christmas miracle!

Addiction Rate: 95%

Bad Breath Meter: 4

Burn Time: 6.5 min

Geek Week News -

2009-04-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

ImprovBoston is celebrating Geek Week and so I will only be blogging the geekiest of news this week.

A 17 year-old Worcester teen was sentenced today for engaging in computer hacking. Between 2005 and 2008 the teen committed a series of acts including hijacking several computer.

No one has confirmed whether or not the teen was inspired by DVDs of terrible hacker movies of the late 90s. We at BNN believe that the makers of such movie shoudl be tracked down and shamed regardless.

Weekly Podcast is Up

2009-04-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

Go here to watch this week's episode.
April 18

Harry Gordon

shares his thoughts on the Boston Marathon

Raj Sivaramen

reports on anti-government protesters in Thailand

Billy Bob Neck

goes Teabaggin'

Ryan Douglass

attempts to report on anti-government protesters in Boston

Sean Sullivan

gives a round up of the week in sports

and

Camilo Aladro & Ricky Santino

celebrate Puerto Rico's new commemorative quarter

Professor Genius Reviews Democracies

2009-04-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

I, Professor Genius, have decided to review the various forms of democracy in honor of your Patriot's Day. Listed are his top 5 democratic countries, ranked based upon three categories, freedom, happiness, and democratic efficiency (as life, liberty and pursuit of happiness were ideas only applicable to the 18th century according to Professor Genius).

5. United States - while the US government is becoming larger, and has a president that was not technically born in the US, that gives them bonus points for open-mindedness. Even attempts in Italy to elect Sandokan as president has failed. The efforts being made by Obama to communicate with his South American presidential counterparts is part of what we call "Diplomacy" (not to be confused with duplomancy*) and it can be quite an asset in the case of an alien or Australian invasion. High marks for freedom, though happiness and DE indeces are low.

Freedom: 80%
Happiness: 26%
Democratic Efficiency: 34%

4. Cuba - while this wonderful nation has a significant amount of refugees, it has always been welcoming to anyone but the United States. Most likely due to the anti-tobacco campaigns promoted in America. The best indicator of a democracy is a good relationship with most neighbors. I rank Cuba at 4, primarily due to their lack of amusement parks.

Freedom: 50%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 45%

3. Borneo - this is the third largest island in the world, and coincidentally, it is the third best democracy on the planet! It is the only island with three countries, and therefore, the combined democracies make it more democratic. Unfortunately, they do not have a strong population score, and increases in pollution lead to decreases in happiness.

Freedom: 100%
Happiness: 18%
Democratic Efficiency: 53%

2. Canada - this nation has such nice people, so surely it must be a sign of a functioning democracy. They also have beautiful summers, which are full of non-ice. Canada doesn't even have protests. There, they call protests "A Century of Unlocked Doors". Inferior scores are generated primarily due to the presence of Quebec within its territories. I would recommend they lose the dead weight, to surpass to the No. 1 position.

Freedom: 75%
Happiness: 62%
Democratic Efficiency: 66%

1. Zimbabwe - technically this is a dictatorship, but as Mugabe is still technically human (or at least humanoid based upon recent studies), he is a person. Therefore, rule by one person constitutes a democracy (as evidenced by the continual usage of the term democracy when applied to the United States. Mugabe's attempted assassinations of the opposing party lend credibility to the opposition without actually giving it any authority. For this, full marks must be given!

Freedom: 10%
Happiness: 29%
Democratic Efficiency: 100%

*duplomancy - the art of deceiving others.

This Saturday's Show

2009-04-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

This Saturday, April 18th
Boston News Net Celebrates the 191st Anniversary of the End of the Seminole War. A loss for Native American rights or a victory for citrus lovers and trailer park dwellers? You be the judge.

This Week's Show

Billy Bob Neck
goes Teabaggin'
Harry Gordon
shares his thoughts on the Boston Marathon
Raj Sivaramen
reports on anti-government protesters in Thailand
Ryan Douglass
attempts to report on anti-government protesters in Boston
Sean Sullivan
gives a round-up of the week in sports
and
Ricky Santino and Camilo Aladro
celebrate Puerto Rico's new commemorative quarter

Crappy Cage/Travolta Movie Creepily One Step Closer To Reality

2009-04-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

Brigham and Women's Hospital has performed the nation's second partial face transplant today. Dr. Bodhman Pomahac and his team of surgeons replaced the face of a man with part of the face of a dead donor.

The hospital did not comment on whether or not this procedure was really fucking creepy.

Patriot Ledger[Boston hospital performs face transplant]

Jerks and the Women Who "Love" Them, Part II

2009-03-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

Edward Okun, holder of trophy wife Simone Bolasi (both pictured right), was convicted by a federal jury in Miami of stealing $132 million in a modest Ponzi scheme. One of Okun's victims is local Braintree auto dealer Daniel Quirk, owner of Quirk Auto Inc, Quirk Ford, and, oddly, the Fore River Shipyard.

A few thoughts

You know the saying, "you can't shit a shitter"? Must not be true. A car magnate got scammed.
Is there a place where one gets trophy brides, and, if so, where is it and how much do i need to make in order to get one? Do I need a million dollars? Is it the horrible place on that Bravo show?
What is the over/under on how many times Simone Bolasi visits Mr. Okun in prison? Is it 0.5? If so, TAKE THE UNDER.
I also think there is a direct correlation between the quality of a trophy wife and the quality of the business man who holds the trophy wife on his arm. If the trophy wife looks like she was previously a stripper or the daughter of Hulk Hogan or has fake breasts the size of water melons, the dude is probably not on the up and up. The Miami jury could have convicted based on that alone.

Tewksbury Terror

2009-03-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

A man from Tewksbury has been arrested for beating his girlfriend and pointing an unloaded gun at her mother.

BNN wonders aloud what everyone else is thinking:

This guy has a girlfriend?

Shocking.

Stimulus This

2009-03-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

This just in. Massachusetts to fix economy by building houses and then paying companies to dispose of them in the ocean.

Holier Than Now

2009-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

A nationwide study has found that more Americans than ever do not identify themselves as members of any organized religious group.

The decline in godfearing may spell disaster for already-hurting small businesses. Like the ones that trick out yarmulkes, or the few butchers who really know how to cut the finest Jesus flank around. But mostly, these changing demographics are having an impact in Rhode Island.

It doesn't take much to impact Rhode Island, we know. It's a miracle that the state even managed to repopulate itself after the Station fire. Still, this is a big deal too. As the local press has noted, the state has moved from a 62 percent Catholic population in 1990 to only 46 percent now. It's like the entire Kickemuit Klose Condominium Complex stopped going to church!

What have the local Dioceses said to this devastating news? In a word, "Nahhh."

According to the Providence Journal, the Catholic Diocese of Providence, "acknowledges only a slight decline in the percentage of Catholics." Church officials note that they still see large crowds of people in church, and have refuted the findings of the national report. A separate study by the Association of Statisticians of American Religious Bodies has found a similar decrease in American religion. But it's like, still. Come on. Nahhh.

One Narragansett Reverend says that he finds the numbers hard to believe, and actually, maybe we should just take him at his word. We've read the Old Testament, and have decided that the Reverend's standards of hard-to-believe must be pretty fucking high.

The Weekly Podcast Posted

2009-03-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

Last week's show was BNN's first anniversary show.

You can watch the full episode HERE

Happy Birthday, BNN.

Uhoh It's Magic . . . sort of . . . not really

2009-03-11T07:28:00.001-07:00

In Syracuse N.Y., the birthplace of magic, Wade Whitcomb aka Wade Live is claiming that he ducessfully shipped himself in a crate from NY to Vegas. We at BNN admire Wade Live's amazing magical acumen to sit in a crate for a week while videotaping himself.

We look forward to some of his future magical feats:

The perfect Tivo recording
Spending a week in Atlantic City without losing all his money or contracting a VD
Saving the economy

Boston Herald via AP [Magician says he shipped himself from NY to Vegas]

Criminal Genius - Mattapan Edition

2009-03-09T10:57:00.001-07:00

Everyone knows that the New England area has some of the most brilliant minds around. Our institutions of higher learner are without peer. Our intellectual history includes such giants as Holmes, Emerson, and the rest of the Dante Club.

What is less well known is that we also have some of the smartest law breakers around. Take, for examine, Mattapan resident Maxwell O. Thomas. This weekend the police arrested him for allegedly running an illegal after-hours bar in the basement of his house. The Herald reports that after the police arrested Thomas, brought him to the police station and began the process of booking him, Thomas made a brilliant move.

While being booked and making his one allowed phone call, Thomas was overheard saying he had stashed additional money under a brick near the house, cops said. Officers at the scene located $450 in the hiding spot, according to a police report.

While in the police station he tipped the police off on where the cash from his illegal bar was stashed.

True Genius.

Boston Herald [Cops uncover illegal bar in Boston basement]

Econ 911 - MBTA Bake Sale

2009-03-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

I shit you not. The Boston Globe is reporting that MBTA supporters are taking the authority's budget woes ($ 8 billion deficit) into their own hands by having a Bake Sale on the statehouse steps today.

Sure, it may just a publicity stunt to shame an agency which has several employees making 6 figures, horrible productivity, and drivers who may or may not be high, but I hear the lemon sqaures or to die for.

Doesn't anyone steal money anymore?

2009-03-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

Has the dollar lost so much value that it is not worth stealing?

Possibly. Yesterday a Randolph man was arrested after he was pulled over for speeding. Turns out that he had 150 lottery tickets and cigarettes stolen from a nearby store.

Additionally, and more absurdly, two men allegedly tried to steal $400 of Oil of Olay products from a Dorchester CVS. I guess they were worried about smooth skin. I hope their skin isn't that smooth, because they would become a hot commodity in prison.

Boston Herald[Boston Police Blotter]

The Hidden Victim of the Economic Downturn: Your teeth

2009-03-02T05:33:00.000-08:00

We at BNN love the Boston Herald. They are committed to covering every nook and cranny a story possesses. Their ace reporting has revealed a heretofore unheralded victim in the economic crisis.

You see, when times are tough, people get stressed. And when people get stressed it has a physical effect on their body. One of these effects is teeth clenching which leads to jaw pain and headaches.

Not only does the Herald show you the problem, they take a step further and show you the solution that every unemployed and otherwise financially stressed member of the Hub: a $395 headband:

Problem solved. Thanks, Herald.

Boston Herald [Dentists: Stress leads to teeth clenching]

Monkey Cartoon

2009-02-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago there was quite an amusing cartoon in the New York Post about a monkey getting shot. As I traditionally enjoy the murdering of animals in pictorial form, my colleague, Guillame de Villejuif posted this humorous image on his blog:

profdevillejuif.blogspot.com

You see, it is quite amusing as it is a blatant parody of how elephants are killed.

News Haiku

2009-02-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

The Gas Tax

Mass. Hates The Hummers.
A Solution to fix it
You and I get Screwed

The Oscars

Kate Winslet, Hot Nazi
Mumbai, Old Man. Play. The Gays
Mickey mourns Loki

Mayor

Flaherty or Woo
Globe, Herald force a horse race
Mumbles runs and wins

Live Free or Die?

2009-02-17T06:48:00.000-08:00

New Hampshire, formerly known as the land of the free, is considering imposing new measures to curb drunken driving in the state. Eddie Edwards, New Hampshire's to liquor enforcer suggested that bars and restaurants should limit their patrons to one alcoholic drink per hour. That is right, the Granite State is considering imposing mandatory nursing in it watering holes.

If New Hampshire is really serious about curbing drinking and driving it might want to consider taking a few alternative measures.

It should mandate either that the people of New Hampshire become more attractive or, in the alternative, become more easy. This would cut down on the need for alcohol on dates at restaurants.
The state could also mandate that the state itself be way less depressing. Have you ever driven through New Hampshire? I get "thirsty" the second I hit the border.
Also, if he is really interested in curbing drunken driving, Eddie Edwards might want to consider the state run liquor stores accessible from major highways. Just a thought.

Boston Herald [New Hampshire liquor idea dries up in New Hampshire]

The Most Dangerous Place in Cambridge

2009-02-12T07:39:00.001-08:00

The most dangerous place in Cambridge is not near the methadone clinic or late night by the Charles river, but in a Central Square fast food establishment.

In the past week, the rash of fast food related crimes included:

A man being followed out of a 7-Eleven only to be robbed of his rent money outside of the McDonald's
An allegedly intoxicated man was arrested for starting a disturbance inside the Central Square Wendy's
A hispanic male had a knife pulled on him while in a McDonald's bathroom and was told to go back to his country.

What is it about McDonald's and Wendy's that gets the inhabitants of Central Square so pissed off? Is it trans fats? Is it the fact that people are disappointed that the fast food establishments aren't the multi-racial utopia of hotness as they are portrayed in the advertising? Are people still looking for a proper outlet for their grief at Dave Thomas's passing from a heart attack likely caused by eating the very food he sold?

We at BNN won't rest until we find out. Until then, we are going deep undercover by ordering off the dollar menus.

Middle Schoolers Are Totally Pedophiles

2009-02-11T16:09:00.000-08:00

Is this really a thing?

The Boston Herald is reporting the outbreak of a phenomena known as "sexting." Six middle school boys, between the ages of 12-14, will soon face child pornogrophy charges in Falmouth District Court. The charges stem from one of the boys taking a nude photo of his 13 year old girlfriend and sending it to his friends.

Columbia University Professor Sari Locker said surveys suggest one in five teens has sent or received nude or semi-nude pictures. “When boys receive a nude picture of a girl, they think the next time they see her they can go further with her in a sexual way than before,” she said. “It becomes an invitation to advance a sexual relationship.” But Locker said she believes criminal charges are excessive: “Clearly these boys are not sexual predators or pedophiles."

These children need to be punished. If not, they will grow up spoiled as hell. It took until my senior year of college for me to get a cell phone, let alone a consensually attained naked picture of a woman i knew.

Kids these days.

Boston Herald [Six middle-schoolers may face kid porn rap]

Portland Oregon is Scandalously Gay

2009-02-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

Portland, Oregon (or, as I like to call it, Northwest New England) is currently embroiled in a doozy of a political sex scandal involving Sam Adams, the openly gay mayor, an under aged intern named Beau Breedlove. Slate has the full story here.

If Cambridge's mayor was involved in a similar scandal It would be totally hot. If Mayor Menino was involved in any sort of sex scandal, people would be openly vomiting in the streets every time they pictured Menino in any sort of intimate entanglement.

Seriously, that's gross.

Byron Russel Is Awesome

2009-02-10T14:22:00.000-08:00

Every Boston and Cambridge blog has addressed this, but State Representative Byron Russel is continuing his quixotic quest to repeal archaic Massachusetts laws that remain on the book.

Russel plans to introduce legislation to repeal bans tattoo artists, Communism, and fornication.

That sound you hear is everyone in Cambridge high-fiving each other.

Boston Daily [ Change We Can Believe In]

Econ 911: Economy hurting infidelity

2009-02-09T10:37:00.001-08:00

The Boston Herald is reporting that the economy is really killing infidelity.

With the economy on the downswing, the cottage industry related to lust and infidelity is badly in need of a stimulus. The first sign of the lust-pocalypse was Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler, calling for a pornography bailout.

This report by the Herald shows that teh economy is not only hurting erotic fantasies, but are affecting the real deal. Private investigators report 50% less business tracking adulterers. And those cases they do get are no longer the subject of interesting Mike Hammer stories:

DiNatale explained he used to make a killing tailing “people where daddy has a
girlfriend and the girlfriend is living in a condo that daddy bought.” But
now, he says, “I’ll see a guy and a woman jump into a guy’s pickup truck and go
parking.”

So the economy is hurting several industries

Condo sales and motel rentals
Presents and financial support for mistresses, which in turn creates an uptick in unemployment
the adultery hospitality industry: there is no need to go to rpicy secluded restaurants now that the only people going out are non-adulterers
Couples therapy guys only go into couples tehrapy when tehy have been caught cheating

This is just a short list of the economic havoc wreaked by the lust-pocalypse. Gentlemen, please heed the call of BNN's own Cynthia Lyster and go out and have affairs:

You are probably like 2 degrees from Madoff

2009-02-05T06:53:00.000-08:00

Because Bernie is only 1 degree from Kevin Bacon

Pope is all like whoa.

2009-02-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

The Pope enjoys Catholics, beach parties, and fancy hats.

The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, met with the Pope Benedict XVI and was all like "Yo, you gotta clarify n'shit that the Holocaust was fo realzies and you totally reject that biznass."

And the pope was like "Yo bitch, I know it was for real and I'm all like sorry n'shit. The jews and me are like, mad tight."

But then this bishop was like " What, ho! The Holocaust never happened! You crazy!"

But the pope was all like "dude, shut up."

*these are not direct quotes, but if you read between the lines, it's totally there. Subtext, baby.*

http://www.boston.com/news/world/europe/articles/2009/02/03/german_leader_pope_must_reject_holocaust_denial/

ECON - 911 : Macy's slashing jobs

2009-02-02T19:57:00.000-08:00

Macy's is cutting 4 percent of its staff. I don't have a joke, but I just wanted to show of our boss new ECON-911 logo.

Juvie Judges: Show me the money.

2009-02-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

Two Judges are accused of receiving kick backs for sending kids to jail.

Because clearly if you're going to have to send kids to jail, you might as well get paid for it... and help boost your local detention center's economic health.

Sample Offense: "[parodying] a school administrator online".

Harvard Law student turns out to be a D-bag

2009-01-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

Add this to the No Effing Way column with the recent revelation that WEEI Sports Fans can be crazy losers: a promising Harvard Law Student got drunk and ended up getting arrested after accosting the police.

A joke won't do this justice, I will just quote the Boston Herald article:

A promising Harvard Law School standout told cops during a bizarre drunken
tirade that he would “lie and cheat” to ruin them if - as a future attorney - he
ever calls them to a witness stand, police said.

So, as a member of Mass. Bar, I still would not mout off to police, let alone threaten them. Also this guy was apprently the next Obama. This should show everyone how hard it actually is to become Obama.

Big Brother soon to be watching hippies, commies, and hobos

2009-01-29T07:10:00.001-08:00

The people of the Republic of Cambridge, the most freedom loving city in the country (unless you are a smoker or a republican), are in a tizzy over plans to install 8 city surveillance cameras. Residents are concerned that the cameras will be used to spy on citizens as opposed to as a tool for emergency responders.

Cambridge police and fire representatives responded to those fears by assuring everyone that the cameras suck.

I don't think you can see any people in the street in great details," said [Cambridge Fire Chief Gerald] Reardon. "If we were being graded on surveillance [with these cameras], we would get an 'F.'"

I for one hope that the cameras do not suck. I hope they have high resolution cameras and post them in Central and Inman Squares. I think the hobo-cam could replace the void in my life present ever since work blocked the puppy cam.

USA to CitiBank: Let Us Help You Save the Economy By Giving You Billions We Don't Really Have! CitiBank to USA: Hahahaha

2009-01-27T09:49:00.000-08:00

If Tim Geithner has to pay his taxes, then apparently CitiBank can't have a plane that only 12 dickhead executives are allowed to fly in.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/01262009/news/nationalnews/just_plane_despicable_152033.htm

ECON 911 - 2009 Living Up to Suckfest Expectations

2009-01-27T08:26:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have a job left?

CNN reports that 71,400 people lost their jobs yesterday and that 200,000 job cuts have been announced so far this year.

Monday, January 26, 2009 will forever be known as "Prison Butt-Rape Monday"

Quincy Police Are a Buzzkill

2009-01-26T06:53:00.000-08:00

The Patriot Ledger is reporting that the Quincy police are conducting an alcohol sting operation to determine if liquor stores are delivering alcohol to minors without carding them.

The Quincy Police are persecuting a sadly dwindling portion of our population, people willing to give the hook up. Remember growing up. It was always pretty easy to get hooked up with something, whether it be some underage booze, Pearl Jam tickets, or off the record forgiveness for illegal, but yet adorably reckless, juvenile behavior.

Sadly, the days of the hook up are over, not even Sal DiMasi can hook it up anymore.

It's official- DiMasi is resigning

2009-01-25T18:08:00.000-08:00

According to the Boston Globe, Massachusetts Speaker of the House Salvatore DiMasi confirmed today what many have suspected for the past several days- he is resigning from his House seat and his position as Speaker of the House effective 5pm this coming Tuesday, January 27.

In a three page self-congratulatory letter to colleagues who will probably not read it because, really, why should they bother listening to DiMasi tell them how great he is if they don't actually have to any longer, DiMasi mentions that he is "...excited...to move on to other challenges and new opportunities" which is a better euphemism than "...anticipating a move to Walpole."

In a related story, Howie Carr's next column just wrote itself.

Miss America Crowned, Self Esteem at an All Time Low!

2009-01-25T08:22:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night, while America was out partying, drinking, and in my case sitting in their bedroom alone watching Love Actually (Hugh Grant, what a prostitute soliciting babe), a NEW MISS AMERICA was crowned!

The headline on CNN.com reads "Hoosier Takes Home Miss America Crown". First thing I thought after I told everyone within 30ft of me the good news (my cat Rocky), is that I had no idea what a Hoosier was. I thought maybe it was Native American tribe. That would be worth mentioning. Or the Hoosier's are a religious sect of people that bathe in wine and eat dirt cakes as a sign of their faith to god on Mondays and select Tuesdays during the summer solstice. That would be worth mentioning. But no. A Hoosier is someone from Indiana. To be fair, I don't think I was too far off with the whole dirt cake thing....

I was disappointed. Miss America pageants tend to do that to young, impressionable girls. But I must give the pageant credit where credit is due: I did learn a new word.

And that's really what Miss America is about. It's not about reaching an impossible expectation of beauty and poisoning the minds of all those watching. It's about learning. What are a few lessons we've learned from beauty pageants over the years?

From Miss 2003, we learned that it really isn't what you say or how you say it, it's your enthusiasm that gets them going! Not only did she win $50,000 but she also won the Home Alone box Set!

Child beauty pageants get a lot of guff. But I saw phooey! They are stepping stones in learning valuable lessons like teamwork, poise, and that you'll never be skinny enough.

The swimsuit competition is a treasure trove of life lessons. From this winner, I've learned that food shouldn't be in your body but ON your body. Man, that swimsuit looks delicious! It looks so good, she could eat it (or wishes she could).

I would look up more photos and lessons for your viewing pleasure, but I'm at work and I already feel weird googling swimsuit clad Miss Americas. As if I'm not confused about my sexuality enough! HA! There is no confusion. My sexuality is zero.

So what are some of the lessons you've learned from Miss America? Was it that most people still don't know where Iraq is? Is it that the more your dress sparkles, the more it distracts you from finding love within? Perhaps you've learned the old lesson of "it's not what's on the outside that counts"...and that lesson is a load of bullshit.

Gossip Report: Christian Bale's secret life

2009-01-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

Right now everyone and their drunk aunt is going on about the Dark Knight getting the shaft by Oscar. The real scoop though is that Christian Bale has been secretly living a double life for over twenty years. Photographic evidence here.

Scan-dal!

Raj Leaves DC

2009-01-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I am finally going back. Just in time for Barack Obama to open up Guantanemo Bay and end the CIA secret prisons. My timing could not be better. I hope you enjoyed my updates on my trip to DC, and if you would like to see a video version of this trip, check out this Saturday's Boston News Net!

Love,
Raj

P.S. Good news! Fever has gone down to 39 degrees! The SARS is subsuming.

ECON 911 - 2009 Officially to Suck Big Time

2009-01-22T07:30:00.000-08:00

The Boston Business Journal is reporting on a new study which predicts that Boston will have the fifth biggest job losses in the country. The study estimates that the Hub will lose 58,500 jobs, which would be a 2.4 percent reduction and would raise the unemployment.

We at BNN plan to be ahead of the curve and will soon form a pitchfork and torch company to arm the angry unemployed mobs that will be meting out justice in the streets of Boston later this year.

BBJ by way of Beantown Bloggery [Forecast:Boston near top in job losses]

Marshfield Man Discovers That the Police Also Have the Internet

2009-01-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

William T. Varney, Jr, a 42 year old baseball coach allegedly came to know the one flaw in his brilliant plan to post "sex for pot" ads on the Internet, the fact that the police have the Internet as well.

Varney should have stuck to the time-honored, less successful (but also less prosecuted) swap of "dinner and pretending to care about your day for sex".

The Patriot Ledger [Marshfield coach pleads innocent in "sex for drugs" sting]

Obama Ain't President

2009-01-22T06:19:00.000-08:00

Since when did wingnuts start caring about things like "procedure" and "legality"? And when did they start using The Princess Bride as a basis for a system of government?

Most importantly - when will they go away?

Raj in DC, Day 3

2009-01-21T19:34:00.000-08:00

Today is my last day in DC. I realized that I spent the last two days with a dead mike. I told Walt to listen to the audio, but he refused. Fortunately we were able to film more. Interestingly, most people have left DC, so it feels as empty as the Western Ghats. More intriguingly, I think sleeping on the mall has started taking its toll on me, as I am getting sick. Fortunately, it is only a mild fever of 41˚ C. I am vomiting somewhat, but I am living in a port-a-potty, which makes it quite convenient. I discovered today that Obama had a heated platform to watch yesterday’s parade, which in hindsight would have been a more convenient place to sleep. Nevertheless, I persevere. Looking forward to returning to Boston…

Love, Raj.

Raj Inaugurates

2009-01-20T12:31:00.001-08:00

I arrived at the mall at the crack of dawn to witness a highly disappointing turnout. Only around 2 million arrived, slightly lower than a Wednesday at Pondi Bazaar. We stood in the sub-frigid temperature for over 5 hours to hear Barack Obama order us that we need to do more work. Also, it was interesting to hear 2 million people boo President Bush and Vice President Cheney. I haven't heard anyone receive such a poor reception since Ricky Ponting during the 3rd Test against India early last year in Delhi. I enjoyed overhearing the conversations amongst Congresspersons, where I am certain that Senator John McCain asked another person, "Have you ever heard of fight club?" This was independently verified by three people around me in the audience, as well as my cameraman Walt. I have yet to confirm if this Upper House Fight Club had anything to do with the seizures occuring today in Sen. Kennedy and Sen. Byrd. I will try to get tickets to the Inauguration Ball, and upon approval of my parents, a date!

Love, Raj

Cheyney Enfeebled by Lack of (Official) Torturing Power

2009-01-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

Here's the old man himself, shortly before the inaguration, playing possum before he gets shipped to The Hague. Or, to quote those wiser on such cubjects: Don't believe it: Let me tell you something else. I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a fake. A fucking goldbricker. Indeed.

The MSM would have you believe he hurt his back while moving things, but everyone knows Cheyney had Bush do all the dirty work! Ho ho, ha ha! Seriously, he was probably shredding his waterboarding snuff porn collection.

Obama blah blah

2009-01-20T10:31:00.000-08:00

There's really nothing we can say about the inauguration that hasn't already been said. BNN is just happy that it's over and no one got shot. Now we're going to join the Conservation Corps or the Hobo Lumberjack Squad or whatever it is we're supposed to do now that H has committed us to life of bartering and volunteering to not do whatever it was that we did to make the economy so mad at us.

Driver delivers General Tso Chicken and X

2009-01-20T06:49:00.001-08:00

Apparently, a #7 is beef, broccoli, and drugs. Quincy Police busted Chun Yeung Tang on Friday with 51 pills believed to be ecstacy.

Oh, those Chinese, even their deliverymen are more industrious.

[Patriot Ledger: Deliveryman for Chinese restaurant faces drug charges ]

Finnernan Should Have Shot a Drug Dealer Instead

2009-01-20T06:25:00.000-08:00

The Boston Herald reports that Tom Finnernan failed in his attempt to receive a pardon from George Bush. Instead of pardoning the former House Speaker, the departing president opted to pardon two border guards who shot a Mexican drug dealer.

Remarkably, Finnernan thought it was a good idea to enlist the aid of four former Massachusetts governors in his quest to win a pardon: William Weld, Paul Cellucci and Jane Swift, and Michael Dukakis. You got that right, Finnernan tried to win something by getting the help of four of the biggest losers ever. Way to go, Tommy!

[Boston Herald: Thomas Finnernan passed over in pardon lottery]

Raj Goes to DC

2009-01-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

Vannakam,
Today is my first full day in Washington DC. Today was the National Day of Service as decreed by his majesty Barack Obama. I have dutifully served my masters at Boston News Net and begin acquiring insightful interviews. I met one man who lost his investment banking job, and several beautiful young women. One group actually was staying with my former roommate from IIT (Kumar from White Castle). I did not witness much other service outside of the police who were quite jovial. I asked one if I may film the Supreme Court, and he told me "Move Along, Sir". Such a gentleman! We had lunch at a place called Nando's which had a delicious cheese and mushroom wrap. I highly recommend it! And for dinner, we went to a Subway and had their Vegetarian Sandwich. Delicious! Don't worry, JR, I've saved the receipts.

Love,
Raj Sivaraman

Raj Goes to DC (Day 3)

2009-01-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

SNOW! New York City is covered with a blanket of this filthy grey fluff. I am told that it is supposed to be white, but in Boston and New York, it is always grey. Perhaps I am colourblind (much like the Americans who voted for Obama)? Nevertheless, I made it to the correct Sbarro, and jumped onto the bus (not literally, for if I did, I would likely fall as my shoes were so slippery). The bus ride was quite pleasant, despite the fact that I stopped several times due to the bathroom locking itself. We had lunch at a Burger King, which had a Veggie Burger which was quite delicious, proving that nobody makes food quite like royalty. I arrived into DC late in the afternoon after missing a very big concert and Barack Obama’s speech. Apparently he will be giving 124 speeches over the week. He likes to talk more than JR likes to lick himself. More importantly, I missed Josh Groban! He sings comparable to Abu Malik, but more pleasant and less Muslim. Looking forward to spending Martin Luther King Day in DC!

Love,
Raj

2009-01-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

It's been eight years. Count 'em, eight. I know I've been counting them - backwards, actually, and by the slow, wretched second. And now the George W. Bush presidency is in its last moments, which means there's only one thing left to do: cruelly remind the world that it ever happened. That's right, it's time to build W.'s presidential library.

Unlike the one in this photo, the Presidential Library
will be more of a depository of Bush's presidential
documents and memorabilia. But like in the picture,
most of said documents will be crayon illustrations.

Every president gets one. Since John Adams, at least. I heard that Bush wanted two, one for each term, but eventually ended up settling for one library, and one
Snuggie. What, you didn't get one for Christmas either? It's a blanket with arm-holes! It is so genius.

For the one library that will eventually exist, here are some predictions about what it will feature:

-Penalty for being too loud: waterboarding.
-Tour group meeting point for children left behind
-Display: Bush's flag pin collection
-A GM showroom (fine print in auto industry bailout bill)
-Display: Cheney's human heart collection
-Outdoor fountain illustrating trickle-down economic policy
-Accompanying wishing well, illustrating same policy for low-income visitors
-Gift shop item: George Bush Brand (c) Pretzels (more holes and less pretzel to reduce choking hazard)
-Bush Adult Literacy Center for those who cannot read, have great senses of irony
-A dog park. Yeah, there's that recession business, but everybody likes dogs.

By the way, construction costs for the library are currently estimated at $200 million - $500 million. If we apply the current model of Bush Administration budget planning, that means it will actually end up costing roughly $1 trillion, 300 billion Chinese yuan, and there might be a Draft or something.

Raj Goes to DC Day 2

2009-01-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

Day 2

Hello,
If you are unfamiliar with whom I am, I am Raj Sivaraman. I am the Boston News Net South Asian Head Correspondent. I told previous readers yesterday that I was on a bus going to New York. I spent one night at Grand Central Station (point of order – it is NOT a hotel, JR). I went to the Bolt Bus stop next to Sbarro, but apparently it was the wrong stop (or the wrong Sbarro, I am not sure). So, they said that they will put me on tomorrow’s bus to Washington, DC. So, I have to spend one more night in this wretched city that so desperately wishes to be Mumbai, yet never will be. However, I do like this restaurant called Copper Chimney in “Little India” on 126 E 28th Street. FIRST CLASS! With their delicious appetizers under $10, and entrees under $20, it’s the one place in New York that you get REAL quality for your money! You can call for reservations at (212) 213-5742. I think I may go back to stay at the Grand Central Station anyway. Those wooden pews were quite comfortable.

Love, Raj.

I told you I was right

2009-01-16T17:11:00.000-08:00

So I’m sure all seen the news that the Hudson River had to be used as an emergency landing strip. The good news is that everyone seems to be ok. The even better news is that this proves I was right. You see most news outlets are reporting that this was as accident. But it wasn’t. It was a deliberate attack on our sovereignty by a highly organized group. A group that I warned us all about in a Week In Fucked back in April. If you can’t remember here’s the clip.

Most people, including JR, thought the idea was crazy. That birds were our enemy and that we needed to defend ourselves against them. But who’s laughing now? If you walk outside you’ll hear who, the honking goose, the quacking duck, the cawing seagull. Yup, all of bird-dom is celebrating this victory. And this will only be the first. If you’re smart, you’ll listen to me this time. This is why we need guns. Or at least more cats.

Matt

Raj Goes to DC

2009-01-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

This is a repeat of my previous post, as JR has informed me that most of the readers can't read Hindi. I say, what is the point writing a blog for illiterates? Anyway, here is what I said in English.

Hello,
My name is Raj Sivaraman. I am the Chief South Asian Political Correspondent for Boston News Net. JR has asked me to blog about my trip down to Washington DC for the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Currently I am on a Bolt Bus heading to New York, where I will spend the night at a lovely hotel called Grand Central Station. Then the next day, I will take the bus down to Washington, where I will go report. Expect more highlights of my trip to come. Hope everyone is enjoying their Pongal celebrations. I'm not. I'm on a bus.
Love, Raj.

BNN Headline News - Cold Weather Increases Cursing on American Sidewalks

Raj Goes to DC

2009-01-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

हैलो,

मेरा नाम राज शिवरामन है. मैं बोस्टन समाचार नेट के लिए चीफ दक्षिण एशियाई राजनीतिक संवाददाता हूँ. जे आर राष्ट्रपति ओबामा के उद्घाटन के लिए वाशिंगटन डीसी के लिए मेरी यात्रा नीचे के बारे में ब्लॉग के लिए मुझे कहा है. वर्तमान में मैं एक भागो बस न्यूयॉर्क, जहाँ मैं एक सुंदर होटल में ग्रांड सेंट्रल स्टेशन बुलाया रात बिताना होगा शीर्षक पर हूँ. फिर अगले दिन, मैं जहाँ मैं रिपोर्ट जाएंगे वाशिंगटन, की बस नीचे ले जाएगा. मेरी यात्रा का अधिक डाला अपेक्षा आने के लिए. आशा है कि हर कोई उनकी पोंगल समारोह का आनंद ले रहा है. मैं नहीं हूँ. मैं एक बस में हूँ.
प्यार, राज.

Tips for Surviving the Cold

2009-01-16T08:05:00.000-08:00

Boston, prepare your massholes for the coldest, most frigid weekend you've experienced since 2004 (not counting that one night stand with your ex-girlfriend).

Winter is here and about to bitch slap us in the face with staggering SINGLE DIGIT DEGREES! Wait, single digits? Only? Excuse me for tooting my own Minnesotant horn, but I'm from the streets of murderapolis and although I'm not saying it's quite summer weather, single digits is nothing to be locking yourself in your house for. When I was back home, it was -14 degrees. If I were a dude, I would have been choking on my own balls it was so cold. Not that I would know anything about choking on....anyway, my point is that, Boston, you need to take a chill pill and let me guide you through some sure fire ways to keep warm in the coming days. Let's talk fashion:

When the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, your dog is still going to need to take a shit. So dress them in this...thing. It seems to be a rain coat/winter gear/floatation device. It doesn't matter how they look really, you'll still be seen as a nutcase who dresses their animals in clothes and probably takes pictures to use on holiday cards.

Long Johns, skivvies, thermals, happy pants, I don't care what you call them, you're gonna need them. Layers is key to surviving the cold. You'll be instantly warm wearing these little secrets. And instantly attractive. Get in me!

The wonderful thing about winter is that you can dress in so many different layers and styles of clothing. It also lets people dress like fucking nightmarish creatures from the deep woods of hell.

The news is saying that you should keep the elderly and the young inside to shield them from the blistering cold. Mayor Menino also issued a statement about space heater safety. These are not to be joked about. The combination of old people and space heaters is as volatile as vinegar and baking soda. Heed my warnings.

I know it's going to be tough. Getting your starbucks in the morning will be even harder since your gas guzzling car won't start and your CK leather gloves are as effective as expired condoms (67% effective), but you can get through this cold. Before you know it, spring will come dancing up the mountain, fat and jolly, full of flowers and candy while the smell of frozen vegetation and dead animals defrosting will fill the air.
Use my tips, Boston, and understand that this nasty weather is temporary, just like life, money, and your hair.
Oh, and be happy you're not this guy.

Thanks Owen Beattie.

Heroic Pilot Valiantly Tries to Drown Plane Full of New Yorkers

2009-01-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it was actually an emergency water landing and not one man's attempt to kill a few New Yorkers (who were likely responsible for all the bad things that happened on Wall Street; note the business casual being sported by people desperately clinging to the wing). But no one died, so we can make jokes about wanting to drawn yuppie business class air travelers, who are now probably sitting in their lofts in Tribeca contemplating life, death, and thier waterlogged Louis Vuitton luggage.

Ugly Dresses or Racist Ugly Dresses?

2009-01-12T13:24:00.001-08:00

In Alabama, a controversy has arisen over the participation of Mobile’s Azalea Trail Maids as the only representation for Alabama in the inaugural parade.

The Alabama NAACP President Edward Vaughn criticized the Trail Maids participation saying that the dresses reminded him of slavery. The implication of his remarks being that the mode of dress used with hoop skirts and colors usually found on cake icing dates back to the antebellum period of the south and invokes the ugly spectre of slavery.

We at BNN think the controversy poses an interesting question: what aspects of antebellum and southern culture no longer have a place in modern American culture. Here is a handy guide of cultural sensitivity.

The Confederate Flag

Verdict: Seriously not cool.

Although many claim that the flag stands for all of southern culture, there is no getting around the fact that it was the flag flown by a group of people who fought, in part, to protect the institution of slavery. The confederate flag should not be flown anywhere as it is a clear symbol of slavery and only racists or culturally insensitive buffoons would raise it proudly.

Seriously, South Carolina, you guys are jerks.

A Burning Cross

Verdict: Not cool.

Now a burning cross most likely reminds people of Mississippi Burning, a movie that taught us something about something, but I never really saw it so I don't really no what. The image is most associated with post slavery racism and regional terrorism by groups like the KKK. The burning cross evokes feelings of the "badges and incidents" of slavery. Thus it is a piece of Southern culture that should really get the ol' heave-ho.

White People
Verdict: Not cool but necessary.

Although white people in both the North and South played the dominant role in the grueling oppression that was slavery, getting rid of them would be throwing out the baby with the bathwater. The whites are currently needed in American society as a bogeyman for all bad things and also a culture source of comparison for when something has become uncool.

The Back of the Bus
Verdict: Cool.

Forcing someone to sit in the back of the bus is not cool, unless the person is cool, then it is all right because that is where the cool kids are supposed to sit.

Drinking fountains

Verdict: Cool.

These two water fountains are for short people and tall people. Height discrimination is still cool. It is also still cool to make fun of fatties.

A Man on a horse with a bullwhip

Verdict: It depends.

If you are selling the whips for non-slave whipping purposes as part of a rich family history of selling high quality whips like this guy: Cool.

If you are yelling orders amidst a bunch of African-Americans: Not cool.

No Effing Way: WEEI Listener is Crazy, Loser

2009-01-09T10:41:00.001-08:00

Turns out that a listener of WEEI, Boston's #1 source for sports talk and intolerance, was, in the shock of the year, a crazy, unemployed person who became obsessed with sports and the radio personalities in order to mask the inadequacies of his personal life. Go figure.

When I listen to WEEI, especially Dennis and Callahan or the Big Show, I always hear very reasoned discussion. I would never hear, for example, radio personalities and callers lauding less talented white athletes as hard working or a "Boston type of guy" while running one of the greatest hitters in the history of baseball, who happened to also be Latino, out of Boston.

Who knew someone involved in such a discourse would be unstable enough to leave death threats for D&C? Not me.

article: Boston Herald [WEEI caller turns anger on himself]

Redline to be even more awkward this Saturday

2009-01-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

Those of you who prefer fully clothed rides on public transportation, take note. The Boston Societies of Spontaneity will be partaking in the annual ritual known as "no pants day", or as T riders think of it, the annual "gee I wish these people were hotter" day, this Saturday, January 10, 2009.

So, remember this Saturday, if everyone on the T with you is half naked, don't be alarmed. There has not been an uptick in mental illness or a further slide of society into the drain, unless, of course, you are on the Orange line. But if you are on the Orange line you already are aware that you are on a $2 train ride to hell.

Updated:Here are some links to video [via the Cambridge Chronicle] and photos [via The Bosotnist] of the event.

Bay State set to launch anti-obesity campaign

2009-01-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

With the state economy in a shambles, Massachusetts unveiled an ambitious new program to combat…obesity. The program, called Mass In Motion, would require, among other things, that restaurants post nutrition information for their meals.

It would also force schools to come up with a method to identify which of their students are fat

so that, in the words of Public Health Commissioner, John Auerbach “we can help a parent understand concerns with obesity ... and help them to do something about it."

While Boston News Net agrees that the obese are unsightly, given the current economy, we would suggest the better plan would be to just wait.

Happy 2009! OR "The Year After Flaming Death Impact"

2009-01-02T17:53:00.000-08:00

Friends, celebrating the end of the beating with a poo-filled sock that was 2008 is sort of like buying someone a cake for an abortion. We all want to forget what happened, but we can't because fucking USAA calls five times a day demanding payment on their damned credit card device. But Boston News Net is excited to welcome in the New Year anyway, because there's nothing like an arbitrary celebration based on the sweetly inaccurate Julian calendar to wipe the slate clean! Right!? It worked out so well for the Romans! YES WE CAN! Unless we have a mortgage, a credit card, or have in some other way brought about the ire of the great Earth Rattler Poseidon. Hail Atlantis.

We've Pissed Off The GOP

2008-10-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

Yes! Finally, the press has noticed us. The press in Attleboro, MA!

GOP says this joke no laughing matter

Who cares that our show doesn't get broadcast out of Cambridge? I've been assured that several families in the area have internet connectivity, and on weekends they invite the townsfolk to gather in their barn for an old fashion neighborhood email check. I understand they also enjoy watching YouTubes.

Live Election Night Show Is Only Two Weeks Away

2008-10-21T20:35:00.002-07:00

Friends, we've got two weeks left until our five hour long Election Night show and Harpoon Brewery, the best, most refreshingly American brewer on Earth, gave us what our auditor is calling "a shit ton" of beerz. Please come on the 4th and drink it with us. We cannot promise that you'll get layed, but have you ever been to an election night where the possibility even existed?

Blog Has Been Down - Blame CNN

2008-09-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

We at Boston News Net have been hard at work producing our weekly broadcast, but as you can see from this blog, we've not been very good about updating this very page. Why? This is why -

CNN News Muse Kate Bolduan (pronounced "Baldwin" - can you believe it???). We love her, and have been trying desperately to do something newsworthy enough for her to come by the studio and interview us. So we can make her marry us! All of us! Kate B. BNN. It's going to be great.

Headlines of History, Unite

2008-09-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

The big story thisa weeka involves two stories, so, lies already.

The first is the whuh, huh, whoaa, ohhh, waaaahhh, huhhh, awwww of Hurricane Gustav, who snootily stormed into the Gulf of Mexico and is on his way back to the mists without
so much as a Spike Lee short. But that has barely overshadowed the waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh of Governor Sarah Palin (AIP - AK) and her gosh darn inspirin can-do pilgrimage to all those fatcats in Waaaashington, dontchaknow. Senator McCain chose her essay above the 22,000 others and has brought her on his ticket, presumably a ticket with "Andrea Doria" written proudly upon it.

Both of these stories have been huge because of their unintended consequences: Gustav pushed thousands of residents out of New Orleans for (apparently) no apparent reason, since the hurricane didn't destroy the world, and Palin's almost impossibly checkered past is causing a wee bit of trouble in John McCain's campaign to not be a nation-wide laughingstock of incompetent planning, research, decision-making, and general unshittiness. Also, she had a baby and now her baby havin a baby and mmhmm it on now girl!

Yet led by the important news outlets of our time, CNN and Fox News (both high-powered by the electric generator connected to the spinning drybones of Ed Murrow), most media outlets choose not to look at the issues on their face value. But why would they? For example in the Gustav story, New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, in conjunction with governor Bobby Jindal and FEMA Administrator R. David Paulson, decided to order a mandatory evacuation on Sunday in anticipation of the Monday morning hurricane strike, thus ordering over 200,000 NOLA residents out of the city and jamming the Louisiana and Mississippi state highways with over 1.9 million people over the weekend and despite the inflated estimate of $10 billion in oil damages the strength of the reinforced levees combined with the weakness and trajectory of the storm's landfall means thousands of families are stranded outside the state waiting for a slow-coming ok to come back into the blah blah blah you stopped reading this a fucking hour ago. That was just the abstract! THE ABSTRACT!

So instead, the next best thing is to look at the news the way the news was meant to be looked...at. We're gonna look at it like sports. Winners and losers, baby.

"McCain Turns Gustav Into an Asset"

"Gustav Could Be Boon To GOP"

"Palin Pioneer, Maverick, and now a Game Changer"

"Did The Media Take Swipes At Sarah Palin?"

The latter being, of course, a special report by the media. These are just an example of the fantastic journalistic activity in the nation right now. And boy oh boy do they pay tribute to the past standards of excellence, following in line with famous headlines of years past:

"Big Fat Gain For Big Fat Taft: Our Vessels Don't Sink And Drown 1,500"

"Japan Attacks Pearl Harbor, Apparent Benefit For Japan War Machine"

"Reagan's State Of Union Buoyed By Emotional Prayer For Lost Challenger; Oh, No One Told You? Yeah, They Exploded"

"LBJ To Stay In Play With JFK's Brains All Astray"

"Royal Family Stands To Lose After Antoinette, Louis Beheadings"

Facts are boring. Scores are not! 1-0, scores!

(crossposted at Too Much Ice Cream)

Feel Better About You

2008-07-17T12:11:00.001-07:00

So the Globe asked readers to send in pictures that apparently have something to do with Heath Ledger's suicide. This one right here is one of my favorites for a variety of reasons. The guy is wearing black eye make-up under the mask, and the older lady is dressed as one of the caped crusader's oldest foes: some kind of winged prostitute. Analysis suggests that the little girl is smiling because Mr "Never-too-old-for-Halloween-or-pretending-I'm-a-superhero" is pinching one of her facial nerves.

Here is a Graph

2008-07-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

The Boston Globe is the best paper on the globe. That's why they're named as such. Today they give us a graph to enjoy, complete with lines and colors and numbers. Those who went to math school will instantly notice that the globe has just informed us that the Big Dig cost, in the words of Mr Webster "a fucking shitload." Thank you, Boston Globe. We knew you would get to that one eventually.

Globe: Big Dig's Red Ink Engulfs State

Kevin Cullen, Local Genius, Knows Many Things!

2008-07-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Just who is this silver fox who bears such a striking resemblance to Niles Crane's father? It's Kevin Cullen, that's who! And he loves his prematurely gray hair! And golf shirts under blazers! And writing rambling editorials for the Globe that are supposed to seem kind of brash and fun (he uses slang and such things!), but actually make you feel bad because it's not fun. Not at all! Make sure you read his work every chance you get, because he needs the support of his readers! And help moving into the Residence in in Taunton!

Cullen: If you don't like homosexuals, don't marry one

China Prepares For Olympics By Renforcing Stereotypes

2008-07-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

BEIJING - Ahead of the August 8th opening ceremony for the Summer Olympics (XXIX for those counting and are Roman), China has been screwing around with fireworks, because apparently that's their thing. They will also be making tea, skittering around in dragon costumes, and mercilessly suppressing dissidents.

Jesus Saves

2008-07-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

“I couldn’t have done it without my mother,” said a smiling Jesus. “And I learned to be calm from my dad.”

Eight Year Old Jesus a Savior

Oil Prices Drop, Waiting For Things to Get Okay Again Before Spiking

2008-07-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

Oil prices dropped $4.50 to $134.24 a barrel today, continuing a slide in prices that started on Tuesday morning. While experts believe that the cause is attributable to increased supply coupled with a slackening demand due to decreased consumption, we at BNN are anticipating that it will shoot up to $200/barrel shortly, just as soon as the fallout from the FannieMae/FreddieMac bail-out passes and Americans start to feel hopeful about the economy.

JD Drew is King of Baseball!

2008-07-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

JD Drew, who has spent the last 32 years desperately overcompensating for being a dirty ginger nutz, has been named King of Baseball after his 2-run homer during last night's All-Star game hit a blind kid in the stands and miraculously gave him sight. And cancer. In baseball, that's scored as a .500 and gets you a star shaped candle stick from Filenes Basement. It was marked down because it used to be part of a pair whose mate was destroyed in 1997 after Wil Cordero knocked it over while looking for something shiny to beat his wife with.

News Flash: The Red Line is Terrible

2008-07-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

The Boston Globe is reporting what everyone already knows - that riding the T is like getting waterboarded, except instead of water the MBTA uses smells, late trains, and bums who apparently speak a lost twin language. Read all about it while you're waiting 20 minutes for the train that the conductor of the last packed-to-the-rafters-car-you-couldn't-shoehorn-into promised was "directly behind this train". Ha.

Why Should I Believe Larry Sinclair?

2008-07-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

With Larry Sinclair’s press conference coming up on 6/18/08, there’s not only a lot of dumbocrats shaking in their Birkenstocks that the man the put their faith in instead of Jesus is about to get exposed for the drug-taking, murderous, lying, Muslim, left-handed, homo, negro voodoo priest that he most certainly is. Still, Americans are a fair people and they wanna have all the information they can get before making the decision they know in their hearts to be true – that “President HUSSEIN Obama” will destroy America’s value and Christian heritage by selling us out to the towelheads or worse.

I was talking with some fella name xjblib over at Big Head DC, one of the best places to find out just how guilty Barack Osama Homo Bin Laden is and not have to listen to a bunch of morons and homos trying to defend him. While I was talking with him, it occurred to me that there ain’t a single document, like the voter’s guide that Dr. Dobson hands out, that’ll really let you look at the facts real quick and make up your on mind based on the information that’s given to you.

So I went ahead and made one.

The biggest thing about this whole dust-up is that fence-sitters say, “why should I believe Larry Sinclair when I don’t know him from Adam?” If you’re stupid enough to ask those kinds of questions, then this chart is gonna show you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Larry Sinclair is a whole lot more trustworthy than Barack Osama Homo Bin Laden.

A dumbocrat thinks he can find truth anywhere when, in fact,
truth only comes from the common sense that God gave you.

The way works is like this – I identified 12 important things that are key to figuring out whether to trust someone or not. For each thing would make you not trust someone, I gave the person a point. It’s really pretty simple. When you add everything up you’re gonna see that Larry Sinclair scores a 2 and Barack Osama Homo Bin Laden scores an 11! So who do you think is the more trustworthy person?

Illegal Citizen – There’s real good proof coming out that Homobama ain’t even a American!! Hawaii might be a state but Rick Warren calls himself a Christian, too.

Foreign Name – Ronald. George . Herbert. Those are names that sound America and that means that you can trust them. They ain’t the names of someone’s who’s gonna kill you in your sleep. Osama. Achmed. Barack. Them’s the names that terrorists have. I ain’t even sure why I gotta point this out but there’s plenty of drug-addled dumbocrats that don’t seem to get it.

Felon – You can’t trust a criminal but people make mistakes sometimes. Larry Sinclair came right out and admitted the dozens and dozens of crimes he committed right out of the gate. Homobama ain’t confessed to ONE of his. If it’s between a criminal that went to jail and one that ain’t, I’m gonna go with the one that has.

Drug user – Larry Sinclair says he ain’t done drugs for a long time and I got no reason to doubt him. Homobama said he stopped doing drugs along time ago and yet he smoked crack cocaine with Sinclair AFTER he said that he hadn’t done drugs for awhile. How do we know that he still don’t smoke crack or heroin or something worse? We don’t!

Murderer – Larry Sinclair ain’t killed one single person. Homobama has killed three homo negros who thought they’d squeal on him. I guess that’s like self-hating Jews or something. One of the first things I teach my kids – DON’T TRUST A MURDERER!

Liar – Larry Sinclair’s been 100% honest about everything he done. Homabama can’t even talk about the weather without lying about it. And he ain’t a good liar, neither.

Muslim – You only have to look at his name to know that Homobama is a muslim. There’s even pictures of him with a towel on his head! Remember when he talked about the 57 states he been to? He weren’t talking about the United States – he was talking about ARAB states! I’m currently talking to a couple of people that claim that he prays to Mecca seven times a day like the devout towelhead he is. Larry Sinclair is NOT a Muslim. He’s white.

Left-handed – It’s a proven fact that left-handed people are lazy, shiftless and wanna live off the government without doing a stitch of work. They buy homes they can’t pay for but still somehow manage to drive around in Cadillacs. Watch Larry’s videos. He’s right-handed and that says a lot about a man’s character.

Gay – My song, The Sodomite’s Lament, is a pretty factual representation of the way homos live. All they care about is sex, drugs and butt sex. When you think about the lying and deviousness it takes to spend your life lusting after sinfulness it oughta be pretty clear that you’d be better off putting a gun to your head than trusting a homo. Now some people are gonna say it takes two to have gay sex. But according to his website, Larry Sinclair say that “he is single, never married.” If he was a faggot, wouldn’t he say that?

Metrosexual – I ain’t sure what this is but I know that Homobama is one, Larry Sinclair ain’t and that you can’t trust someone who is.

Voodoo Priest – Larry Sinclair is a white man. Voodoo priests are negros. Homobama has never allowed anyone to verify that he has a voodoo altar in the basement of his house. Why wouldn’t he want to clear this up? Why would you trust him if he doesn’t?

Negro – Again, Larry Sinclair is a white man. xjblib at BHDC makes the valid point that Homobama may be a Oreo but he ain’t a negro. I had a hard time figuring out how to score this. Originally, I was gonna give him a 2 on this because if you can’t say what race somebody is it makes it twice as hard to know if you can trust them or not. Someone suggested that I split the difference and give him a half point but that made the math a little hard. In the end, my pastor told me it kind cancels itself out so I oughta give him a 0 on it. After praying, Jesus said the same thing.

Those are the facts. Y'all go and do your research and you're gonna find out the exact same thing if you're doing it right.

So make sure you're paying attention on Wednesday, June 18, 2008 from 1-5:00 PM. The press conference will be in the Holman Lounge at the National Press Club. I'm told it's a pretty upscale place, too!

God is Love!
www.billybobneck.com

The Pelosi Premium - How Dumbo-crats Plan To Kill Democracy

2008-07-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Pelosi Premium

If you couldn't have seen $4/gallon gas coming the moment that Nancy "Mafia Princess" Pelosi got "elected" Speaker of the House then you don't read the Bible. I wonder just how much of the money good, hard working Christians pay at the pump goes right into the purse made of the skin of dead pre-borns that Pelosi carries around with her? $2? $3? The straight out fact is that gas went up 70% since the dumbo-crats took over Congress. 70%! That buys a lot of crack, don't it, "Senator" Obama? It's all part of the lie-beral plan to destroy the American economy and set up a Communist dictatorship in the US headed by a murderous, left-handed, gay, negro, crackhed voodoo priest whose name I ain't gonna mention.

See, by driving up the price of gas, they're hoping to start what Pelosi calls "the grand and glorious revolution of the proletariat". They think the American people are so stupid that they won't see through their evil plan, blame the Republican party and vote for a murderous, left-handed, gay, negro, crackhed voodoo priest who'll then declare himself Supreme Commissar for Life, opening the door for Obama bin Laden to waltz right in and make it illegal to have bacon with your eggs in the morning.

If Homobama gets elected, ham, bacon and sausage will
no longer be allowed on the family breakfast table because
we will be forced to be muslims

Americans ain't that stupid, though, and when God appoints the new president, gas prices are gonna fall faster than Michelle Obama fell for the line that her "husband" was a heterosexual.

"How's that gonna happen, Billy Bob," all the drugged out lie-beral zombies are gonna cry, "Lord Obama says it's impossible to bring down gas prices and we believe him cuz he's so handsome!" Well, he's lying! Simple as that! We got oil lying all over the United States of America, just wanting to be drilled and dug up but the dumbo-crats won't let us! They'd rather see Americans suffer and wilt rather than lift a finger to help them After all, John Kerry don't give a fig about ordinary Americans. He justs wants to laugh at their pain!

This is the vision of the American family put forth by the dumbo-crats
for the 2008 election. You think this is why God created America?

And Americans are suffering under the iron thumb of La Cosa Pelosi

A family in Texas had to cancel their cable to pay for gasoline
A family in Maine had to cancel their summer vacation plans just to send their son to Eagle Scout camp in Colorado
A family of twelve in Oklahoma has to get by on a quarter can of beans per person just to be able to afford to drive their Escalade to get the kids to school.
A grandmother in Mississippi died because her son couldn't afford the gas to drive her to the emergency room when she had a stroke.

The number of tragedies wrought by the dumb0-crats numbers into the millions! And all of it could be avoided if they'd step out of the way and let us get the oil God gave us. It's like this spokesman said on Fox News Sunday a couple of weeks ago -

The Creator didn’t leave oil and gas on every plot of land

But he did tell us how to find it and we owe it to both ourselves AND God to use what he gave us.

ANWAR -

Can you find ANWAR? If it's so big, then how come you can't see it?

Now, unless you're home schooled, you probably don't know that this is a map of the world. If you look at the purple part in the upper left hand side - that's Alaska. There's a whole ton of oil in Alaska that the Dumbo-crats wanna tell us we can't use. Why? Because we might kill a couple of snow fleas. Oh, boo hoo! Let all the grandmother's in America die from strokes but please, oh, please save the snow fleas! Y'all can call me anything you want but I would personally hunt down every gol-darned snow flea in the world to save my grandmother.

Save the snow flea or save Grandma? The only possible reason to
spend any kind of time thinking about this question is if you're a drug
addict.

Another reason the commies say we can't take God's oil outta there is that it's so "pristine". That's a bunch of crap because I bet they never been to Alaska since most homos don't like the cold. Can you see Barney Frank up there in ANWAR trying to have butt sex with an Eskimo. I bet they'd be feasting on his blubber in no time flat! I might be able to understand not drilling around the Creation Science musem because there's people there to enjoy it. But ANWAR?! No, sir.

There are some lie-berals that say it'll take 30 years to start getting oil outta ANWAR and it don't help with the short term solution. They're stupid. If we'd started drilling there 30 years ago we wouldn't be where we are now!

SHALE AND COAL OIL-

What would you say to 3 trillion barrels of oil? Think that'd bring down the price of gas? Lie-berals say no thank you. This is the only country in the world where we hold a wake when we find new oild supplies! Shale oil extraction could solve our gas crisis overnight. But the dumbo-crats won't even let you dig a hole in the ground. "We have to respect Mother Goddess Earth", they blaspheme. Let's just remember that God told us that we held DOMINION over the earth! The only thing that we ain't supposed to touch is the forbidden fruit and that dumb broad already messed that one up. So just like the female of the species always does, Pelosi don't do what God wants and does do what He don't want. We are the Saudi Arabia of coal and shale AND we don't wear towels on our heads. That's a win-win in everybody's book except the lie-berals. You see, it don't advance the revolution.

What's wrong with digging holes? Beats me! I bet that
lie-beral parents don't even let kids dig in a sandbox now!

OFF SHORE DRILLING -

What do you care about more - having the God-given right to drive around the corner to the store or taking a ride on a dolphin? That's one of them questions that you don't really answer. It's more to make the point that defeato-crats are so stupid that they don't realize that we are part of the environment too! It ain't the plants and animals that made America the greatest country on earth. It's people! And progress takes energy. Them Greenpeace terrorists don't never think about the fact that it takes gas for to drive their boats to stop Americans from having a nice tuna fish sandwich for lunch. If they was honest then they'd swim. But they ain't. Instead, they wanna let 85% of the oil that that Creator put under the ocean just rot like milk left out on the counter. Why? Because they hate America.

If Greenpeace really cared about the environment like they
claim they do, they'd stop using boats to rob Americans of
the gas that belongs to them and swim instead.

So to sum it all up, if you don't wanna turn this country into a land of commie mulisms sitting around reading the koran by candlelight call your congressman TODAY and tell him that you want every single drop of oil we can get our hands on!

God is Love!
BBN
www. billybobneck.com

We couldn't make this up.

2008-06-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

From the International Herald Tribune (http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/06/25/america/bush.php):

"...a group going by the regal-sounding name of the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco is planning to ask voters here to change the name of a prize-winning water-treatment plant on the shoreline to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant."

We suspect this means that it'll only be a matter of time before Deer Island is renamed Bulger Island. Which, not coincidentally, would make a great title and concept for a reality show-- at the end of the show, two contestants are left standing. One contestant becomes the president of U. Mass, and the other goes on the run. Forever.

I don't know where ye been, but you won first place

2008-06-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Larry Sinclair's attorney Montgomery Sibley showed up at his client's National Press Club conference wearing a kilt today, claiming that his unusually large endowment (read: HUGE COCK/BALLS) made wearing trousers uncomfortable. BNN operatives have been trolling the Internet for pics, and all we can find are photos of Sibley wearing trousers, sans bulge. What gives? Of all the days to go crazy.

Weymouth to Sex Offenders: Stay 1500 Feet From Kids!

2008-06-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

Sex Offenders to Weymouth: We'll Buy Binoculars!

The Boston Globe reports that level 3 sex offenders in Weymouth (as well as other towns in MA) are being required to stay even further from schools, parks, and pools than previously required. Readers should note that level 3 sex offenders are considered to be at a high risk to re-offend. Which, when one considers that they were arrested, convicted, and released, is almost too idiotic to comment on.

Almost! Move them to France, where they can enjoy a life of wine, cheese, and a retrospective produced by HBO. Everyone wins! Or is that no one?

DiMasi Takes the "F" Out of Casual Fridays

2008-06-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

...and puts it right back into "Go fuck yourself", at least if you're one of the few State House employees who toil the week away, waiting for the one day a week when you can celebrate the sense of bad taste and poor decision making that got you that job in the first place.

Yes - the truth hurts. No more Casual Fridays at the State House. Good news is that it looks like Nepotism Tuesday and Unbelievable Are You Kidding Me Bullshit Thursday are in not in danger. Hail to thee, il Padrone.

And Bill O'Reilly still lives...

2008-06-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

Tim Russert, anchor of NBC's Meet The Press and not the asshole that 90% of TV journalists tend to be, died today of a heart attack. He was 58 and a mensch.

Finally the GOP is Embracing the Revolution

2008-06-09T20:15:00.001-07:00

From the Old Gray Lady's lobotomized younger sister:

The red T-shirts worn by Bobby Jindal's supporters declared "Louisiana Revolution," with the candidate's features imposed on the famous two-tone visage of Che Guevara.

That unusual profile - a 36-year-old Indian-American religious conservative - has launched a prospective vice presidential candidacy. Jindal is imagined as a possible counterpart to Barack Obama's novelty, the Republicans' own jarringly fresh front man for a party looking to redefine itself.

At long last, the aging boomer white male's brain may wrap around his head and explode into a Reagan-shaped mist. A red shirted mob referencing Che in support of an Indian (no, not those ones) in Louisiana? And he's the good guy? Religious conservative, too, but what religion? Seems here the only logical thing to do is start spreading the Jindal/Muslim meme. Hell, Barry Goldwater was half Jewish and most 60s Republicans thought he'd be taking orders from Moses or Mel Brooks. Appalachians might stone Jindal.

Mitt Romney's looking better every day, for both parties. Free hairspray for everyone; it's on big government's tab.

McCain Vows to Save the Dehydrated Babies Everywhere!

2008-06-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

Obama Clinches! Hot Flash Sufferers Around the Country Saddened, Achy

2008-06-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

Delicious Black Man and soon to be Republican Swift Boating Victim Barack H Obama has achieved the requisite # of delegates necessary to make thousands of old ladies and people who didn't go to college so very, very sad. The AP reports.

Celtics are Ready For the Summer!

2008-06-03T08:11:00.001-07:00

UPDATE: Ted Kennedy's Brain Tumor Escapes Skull Prison!

2008-06-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, not really. It was removed by doctors, sent to Exeter, and will soon be ready to run for Senate, where it will outperform Patrick Kennedy and provide free health care for all! Hooray.

Boston News Net Producer Ian Brownell Hit By Truck!

2008-05-31T13:32:00.000-07:00

Well, almost. A car that was hit by the truck hit him. He's okay, otherwise this post would be waaaay longer.

And in case you missed the original...

2008-05-30T21:19:00.001-07:00

New Clinton Campaign Video Scouring the Globe For Holdout Gay Votes

2008-05-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

The least important news item of the week in one short sentence.

2008-05-30T17:10:00.001-07:00

Michelle Malkin thought Rachael Ray was Vanessa Redgrave. Full story from the AP, in case you have no idea what I'm talking about. And somewhere, a honey-dip cruller cries.