Thursday, July 30, 2009
Crowley/Gates
Our legal correspondent's non-funny, barely informed views on the Crowley/Gates affair.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Professor Genius Reviews: Weddings
This week I have decided to review various types of weddings. If you are interested in getting married, or have some friends who are getting married, perhaps you can learn something from this survey. Enjoy! - Walt
1. Gay Weddings - Gay weddings are exactly as their name suggests - quite enjoyable. Unfortunately, very few states in the union allow gay weddings, primarily because frivolity is frowned upon in modern society. I have attended several gay weddings, and they were beautiful experiences. I suggest that if you live in states that tolerate gay weddings, you should attempt to have a gay wedding. Just be warned, the decorations will be fantastic, and often costly.
2. Hindu Weddings - Hindu weddings are to normal weddings as cricket is to baseball. These weddings are very flashy and exotic, but if you have witnessed enough of them, you will understand how interminable they are. Roughly five days in duration, Hindus put the wedding process at a premium, perhaps that is why most Hindus stay married. They have spent so much time trying to get married, that they decide to avoid having to go through the process once more. That is why I have only had one colonoscopy.
3. Dog Weddings - Dog weddings are like human weddings, but cheaper, and often end in heartbreak. Dogs are naturally unfaithful creatures, but by learning from them how to maintain a dog marriage, one can perfect one's own marriage. If you desire to attend a dog marriage, I would recommend golden retrievers. They are quite beautiful, and often give the best gifts to guests. Avoid pugs, as they are disgusting creatures.
4. Second Weddings - Many people enjoy the process of divorce and remarrying, but do not wish to surrender half of their income. This is why second weddings were created by Scott Johansson of Burbank, CA in 1961. This is ideal for married couples who forgot what their wedding day was like (usually because they lost daguerrotypes or could not afford a wedding daguerrotypographer).
5. Military Wedding - Sometimes confused for a shotgun wedding. However, traditional shotgun weddings normally do not involve instruments of torture often associated with the military. But I am told both involve much lubrication by alcohol. The armed forces always have festive occasions, and if you are marrying someone not in the armed forces, I suggest you offer them up for enlistment, as America is always looking for good men (and sometimes women), and you can then enjoy a superior wedding.
1. Gay Weddings - Gay weddings are exactly as their name suggests - quite enjoyable. Unfortunately, very few states in the union allow gay weddings, primarily because frivolity is frowned upon in modern society. I have attended several gay weddings, and they were beautiful experiences. I suggest that if you live in states that tolerate gay weddings, you should attempt to have a gay wedding. Just be warned, the decorations will be fantastic, and often costly.
2. Hindu Weddings - Hindu weddings are to normal weddings as cricket is to baseball. These weddings are very flashy and exotic, but if you have witnessed enough of them, you will understand how interminable they are. Roughly five days in duration, Hindus put the wedding process at a premium, perhaps that is why most Hindus stay married. They have spent so much time trying to get married, that they decide to avoid having to go through the process once more. That is why I have only had one colonoscopy.
3. Dog Weddings - Dog weddings are like human weddings, but cheaper, and often end in heartbreak. Dogs are naturally unfaithful creatures, but by learning from them how to maintain a dog marriage, one can perfect one's own marriage. If you desire to attend a dog marriage, I would recommend golden retrievers. They are quite beautiful, and often give the best gifts to guests. Avoid pugs, as they are disgusting creatures.
4. Second Weddings - Many people enjoy the process of divorce and remarrying, but do not wish to surrender half of their income. This is why second weddings were created by Scott Johansson of Burbank, CA in 1961. This is ideal for married couples who forgot what their wedding day was like (usually because they lost daguerrotypes or could not afford a wedding daguerrotypographer).
5. Military Wedding - Sometimes confused for a shotgun wedding. However, traditional shotgun weddings normally do not involve instruments of torture often associated with the military. But I am told both involve much lubrication by alcohol. The armed forces always have festive occasions, and if you are marrying someone not in the armed forces, I suggest you offer them up for enlistment, as America is always looking for good men (and sometimes women), and you can then enjoy a superior wedding.
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